Monday, June 08, 2009

I Cried

Friday at 2pm I was involved in a head on crash when my van hydroplaned into the other lane. I am very fortunate that I only sprained my neck, and left wrist, and I extended my healing time from the concussion. I'm still very achy and sore. The other driver was not injured. The biggest hit for me was emotional. I cried...a lot. People say you see your life flash before your eyes. I didn't see the past. All I could see was the future and all the problems this will cause and it overwhelmed me and swept me away like crashing wave followed by a strong undertow.

I cried as soon as I raised my face up from the airbag knowing things were bad but afraid of how bad they might be.

I cried as the steam rose out of the crushed in front of my car and the other car.

I cried when the other driver got out and began taking countless pictures of the whole scene.

I cried when I called 911.

I cried when I called Mr. Lime and the whole time he kept me talking.

I cried when the police arrived.

I cried because I wanted to stop crying and couldn't.

I cried knowing I am going to have to deal with an insurance company again and I have had so many arguments with them in the past 2 weeks.

I cried harder worrying how badly I may have hurt my head since head on collisions don't really fall under doctor's orders for concussion patients not to re-injure themselves within the first couple of weeks.

I cried worrying how badly I may have messed up my back, which took so long to get strong again.

I cried wondering if my migraines are going to become unstable again since it was a car accident 8 years ago that started them for me in the first place.

I cried worrying how I'd manage a new job for the first time in 19 years if I am offered one and my head, neck, and migraines conspire to make me not very functional.

I cried wondering how we will afford to either fix this car or get a new one because we don't have collision.

I cried because we have Calypso's birthday and Diana's graduation and I felt like I just ruined part of their joy.

I cried because my mother-in-law was arriving the next day and staying for a week to take part in the kids' milestones.

I cried because what do we do without a car to get everyone around.

I cried when I got into the ambulance and the other driver was there glowering at me all the way to the hospital.

I cried at the hospital sitting alone in a room with people walking around.

I cried and cried and cried when Mr. Lime and Diana got to the hospital.

I cried when the youth pastor arrived because Diana had sent a text message to him and all her friends.

I cried when the xray techs looked right through me the same way the xrays did as they pushed and pulled me into position.

I did laugh a little when Diana said my shuffling in the hospital hallway sounded like Graham Chapman in Yellowbeard when he does his stagger, stagger, crawl, roll bit as he follows his treasure map.

I cried when the doctor wouldn't tell me why he didn't seem worried about my head. I'm worried. Don't you understand? I can't even form the questions I need to ask. All I can say is I am worried.

I cried when they wanted me to take painkillers. I cried because I knew I wasn't supposed to take things that make your brain dull when you have a concussion and now they want me to take narcotics.

I cried on the way home.

I cried a flood when I found my mom there and I fell into her hug. I cried all over her and soaked her shoulder and sobbed big sobs while she just held me and let me cry.

I cried whenever anyone touched me not because it hurt but because it was like jostling a glass that is full to the very brim with the meniscus stretching in an arch over the height of the glass. One tiny vibration was all it took to send water streaming down the sides of the glass or tears down my cheeks.

I cried more when the kids asked why I was crying because I didn't cry like this when I had bones sticking out of me.

I cried because I didn't have any words. My rattled brain couldn't begin to find the ones I needed to explain. All I could do was cry.

I cried because Mom understood and explained it for me.

I cried when Mr. Lime asked me if I was going to call the insurance company or if he needed to. I said I needed him to.

I cried when my cousin Lisa called and told me she wished she were with me.

I cried when my best pal Gwen called and said the same.

I just cried.

And then I slept.

Ultimately I am very thankful I wasn't hurt any worse. My brain is back to being foggy again and I need naps. All the rest of the crap is going to have to wait its turn. We made it through Calypso's birthday dinner with her grandparents. Since I was not up to single handedly producing a full meal for 10 people Diana, my mom, my stepmom, and my mother-in-law all pitched in to learn how to make cake and the Trini food Calypso requested for her birthday so she could still have a special day. I answered the technical questions of how to do certain things none of them had ever done and got a few things started before turning them over. When you consider the history of divorces and contention that exists in my family and Mr. Lime's the coming together of all the mothers in cooperation out of love for Calypso and for me...well, it makes me cry...this time for good reasons.

48 comments:

Rurality said...

I'm glad you found one little laugh in the midst of all that. :)

Glad you weren't hurt worse, too!

Shadow said...

i'd cry too... hugs and love!!!

~Dragonfly~* said...

I'm so very sorry. I know how frightening an accident like that can be... Sounds like those obnoxious teenagers that were complaining before about helping out have stepped up to the plate along with all the mom's!!!! Feel better... take naps... but make sure someone wakes you every couple of hours.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...
DF

EmBee said...

I have MORE bowls... Do you need another bowl?

I hate feeling helpless when it comes to relieving the pain of another... I'll be you're family feels the same.

The good news is, automobiles are ... No, there is no good news... Just hope you feel better soon.
:-)

Cocotte said...

LIME!!!! Glad you are ok! I would have cried too!!!!!!

Ananda girl said...

Wow. No wonder you cried!

Funny how when dark things happen... that's the time that somethings shine the brightest. Sounds like your family was really burning for you.

Geez... feel better. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Jazz said...

Of course you cried. So would I, and everyone else it seems.

You weren't hurt badly, that's the only thing that counts.

Kat said...

This makes me want to cry!
Yipes! How scary!!!! I don't blame you for crying. It is just all overwhelming. And the worry.
I'm so glad it wasn't more serious. I hope you heal soon. And definitely cry if you want to. :)

Sis B said...

Oh, honey, I am crying with you. I am crying because of the shock of nearly losing you. I am crying because I relate so well to the things you have said here after this crazy year I've experienced. I am crying because I want to smack the crap out of those x-ray techs and doctors because they didn't see you.

I am so very glad you are intact but rattled. I am glad that your family has pulled together to take care of not just you but those responsibilities you take on to make everyone else's life better.

I am happy for your family that they still have you to fend for them. And I'm selfishly happy for me because you make this world a brighter place, even for those you've never met in person.

You're strong, beautiful and tenacious, and you're going to overcome this and all its obstacles the way you have overcome everything else. It's ok to cry along the way.

Thinking of you.

Moannie said...

So all I have to do to get rid of all the tears that are squashed up inside of me for the past numpty years...is have a motor accident on top of a concussion on top of migraines...a bent car...no end of family commitments...crappy unfeeling medics, clamouring insurance co.THE OTHER DRIVER and old uncle Tom Cobley and all rushing to your aid. Good Golly miss Lime-how do you cope?

Desmond Jones said...

Oh, Meesh. . . I am so sorry. You really didn't need and extra helping of crap in your life right now. . .

Take your naps, get yourself better. And 'be anxious for nothing, but in all things, with prayer and thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God'. . .

Glad you weren't hurt any worse. You will be in our prayers.

{{{hugs}}}

for a different kind of girl said...

Oh, I know that cry.

I pray you'll take the time to rest and heal, even though there's so much going on around you at the moment, and I'm glad it wasn't worse than it could have been.

Phaedrous said...

Dear Lime,

I hope this finds you on the mend and feeling a little better. Jeeze girl, please stop trying to compete with me in the trauma category. I don't need the competition.

Seriously, I read your post in shock and added a few tears of my own as I did so. Time for the pendulum to start swinging the other direction I think. And it will.

Take care of yourself and let others do for you where they can. No more owies, OK?

P.

Craver Vii said...

Sorry, I can't think of the right words to say just now, but I'm here.

S said...

OMG no way!

I am so sorry this is happening to you.
There is only one way to look at this sort of stuff when it happens. You are alive and not seriously injured.
That is very very good news.
The rest can be dealt with.

Take it easy, girl.
Hugs and kisses

XXXOOO
Susie

Suldog said...

I'm saying a prayer for you as soon as this posts, and I'll keep you in my nightlies.

You know, funny thing is, as bad as this whole scenario has been for you, I couldn't help thinking, "Poor Beulah, the minivan of looooove!" Roddy The Wondercar sends his condolences...

misticblu said...

my my what you will do to get those kids and the rest of the family to work together. You should not have been doing all this alone anyway, even tho we both KNOW you could with one bad arm tied behind your back.
I shall pray that the migraines vacate, never to return ( a la the second head bum on gilligan's Island character that would end the amnesia:)

PLEASE relax and count your blessings.

I wil be sending you good vibes!

Lapis Ruber said...

So glad you survived what could have been a dreadful accident and I do hope you recover fully and quickly.

Gledwood said...

THANK GOD YOU'RE OK ;->...

mssolitaire said...

Oh goodness!!! Big hugs! It's good to hear you and the other driver are not seriously injured, but this cannot be good for your stress levels and balancing.

I hope this gets easier for you!

EmBee said...

Reading through these lovely messages I stopped for a moment and had to re-read Suldog because I thought he said he was keeping you in his 'Nighties'... Oh mY!

coopernicus said...

LOL - EmBee - I did the same thing...made me do a double take...

One thing at a time....and slowly...

airplanejayne said...

I am so glad you are (relatively) okay. Do not worry about the car, the insurance, etc., etc.

YOU are what matters.

San said...

Michele, I'm grateful you survived the accident with enough energy to cry it all out. You needed to cry. I would have needed to cry too.

Don't let this setback steal the joy from your celebrations. Your family is glad they have you! So are we bloggers!

Fred said...

I'm sooo sorry, Lime. I'm glad you were able to walk away, albeit somewhat banged up.

The good reasons will get you through all of it.

(M)ary said...

OMG!!! I am sooooo sorry that this happened! I hope you get some needed rest.

That dr is a dumbass. Of course he should be concerned about someone who has a concussion getting another hit.

Take care of yourself~

The Zombieslayer said...

Car accidents suck.

I really wish they'd teach hydroplaning in driver's ed. I've been in them a few times.

One lesson for future reference - actually find someone who races cars and have him or her teach you what to do in a skid. Same concept.

My worst hydroplane incident was in snow and almost literally going off a cliff (which would have been certain death for my two passengers and me).

I hope the concussion isn't too bad. And hope your neck and back are fine. I'm now worried for you. Car accidents are never things to take lightly. I'll say a prayer for you tonight and wishing that it's nothing - that your neck and back are 100% soon.

The Zombieslayer said...

Oh, by the way, your family is cool.

G-Man said...

xoxox....

Seamus said...

"OUCH"!!!!!! No way to start the weekend, eh? Sounds like that cry was exactly what was needed. That is a lot to deal with, but I'm glad you found a little laugh in the hospital. Too bad we can't raise our hand and just call "time"!

Cheesy said...

Oh my sweet friend.... Crying is the body's way of releasing toxins and stress. You will have to let yourself cry dear girlie. It is healing for the soul. Please rest and LET others do. You need to let the responsibilities lay in others arms lime. Please rest all you can and heal up.

[[[M]]]]]

Sis B said...

Just came back to say I've thought of you all day and am sending healing energy in your general direction. Take it slow and don't forget to breathe (like, really breathe, ya know?).

Mona said...

You had an accident!!! O Dear!!!

I am so sorry!

It seems that your floodgates opened up , triggered by the incident for the much needed crying.

I hope you will be better soon. Thank God, things are not worse as they could have been...

VE said...

Sorry to hear about your accident! Remember, crying is a necessary release of emotion. Just drink some liquids or you'll dehydrate...that was a lot of crying. Dried up Limes are just no good, you know! Perhaps it was like the old cliche...first accident - migraines appear, second accident - migraines go away...

Craver Vii said...

"You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?" Ps. 56:8

Mike Golch said...

Great blues. Cliff said to come for a visit.so I did.Hugs!

Sheri said...

aw - tears are very healing. omg - I am so glad that you were not hurt worse. Heal quickly ♥

Polt said...

My GOD, I'm sorry! but look at the bright side, you probably kept Kleenex in business for another week. :)

Really glad to hear you weren't more seriously injured! Take it easy, get rest and recover, that's the most important. Everything else can be sorted out in due time.

BIG HUGS....

Hey, my word verification was "umends" You mends! ironic, eh? :)

clean and crazy said...

it's ok to cry, i came by from cliffs blog and wanted to wish you a speedy recovery and hope you are feeling better. take care of you and the rest will take care of itself.

Beach Bum said...

I am so sorry to hear about the accident. Rest and take care, good vibes and prayers coming your way.

Palm Springs Savant said...

Oh Michelle- what can I possibly say? I'm just now catching up on things. I am sorry it has been so traumatic. I will keep you in my prayers to heal your soul and mind.

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

not sure how I missed these last few posts, 'cept to say when its a work day and l'm juggling..I feel a bit like this post...need l say more, nah you get IT!!

Sos orry that you felt like that and this is awful, but you are alive and the car is just metal and the hassles that the ripples this cause will pass babe...

I;m so glad your mum and friend 'got it' too....I dont get that except for in blogland..
arent we lucky?

James Goodman said...

OMG! How horrible. Thank goodness you weren't hurt worse. I hope you heal quickly, both physically and mentally. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Hilary said...

Tears can be healing. Here's hoping that was the medicine you needed. Sending best thoughts your way.

gab said...

I understand so well. I wish even I could have been there for you. Last Oct when I had my car accident I called my daughter and then Mr Gab. I couldnt call my mom even though I needed her so badly and I knew she could have calmed me. But unfortunally there are no lines to heaven. I for some reason couldnt cry. even though I hurt so badly I just couldnt cry. My main worry had 1st been for someone to go pick up the two boys who were getting off the bus right about that time(which was where I was headed when I got it)Then my next worry was the two boys I did have with me. I couldnt worry about me. My grandsons were more important than my hurt. I worried about me after I knew they were ok (well not 100% but close)They gave me the drugs and I went flying so badly I said I dont care how bad I hurt dont give me that stuff again. The thing they worried about me the most was even after giving me comazine I was still throwing up. So they kept me for 3 days as thats how long it took before I stoppped. I think if you look back in my older post you will see what was left of the hippie van. God bless I hope you are doing well. HUGS

Ameratis said...

I am a little late because I am having to catch up on everyone but I am glad to hear you are safe and somewhat sound. I just want you to know that I consider you someone I care for even though we have never officially met and I will be praying hard for clearing of minds, healing of bodies, and helping of circumstances (especially with insurance companies).

Jocelyn said...

Crikey, dear, darlin' honeybear. Just crikey.

Or cry-key?

Anyhow, I'm sorry I've been on the road and haven't read this post 'til now...I've been thinking of you with the concussion and had no idea this other life junk was going on. My only hope is that by now the catharsis of the tears has mellowed; I'm often never better than after I've been an emotional wreck (and you, so deservedly so).

HUGE huggles.

TorAa said...

How to comment - properly - I ask my self.
I can't but one sentence:

You are alive.

Hugs from across the Pond
Tor