I Cried

Friday at 2pm I was involved in a head on crash when my van hydroplaned into the other lane. I am very fortunate that I only sprained my neck, and left wrist, and I extended my healing time from the concussion. I'm still very achy and sore. The other driver was not injured. The biggest hit for me was emotional. I cried...a lot. People say you see your life flash before your eyes. I didn't see the past. All I could see was the future and all the problems this will cause and it overwhelmed me and swept me away like crashing wave followed by a strong undertow.

I cried as soon as I raised my face up from the airbag knowing things were bad but afraid of how bad they might be.

I cried as the steam rose out of the crushed in front of my car and the other car.

I cried when the other driver got out and began taking countless pictures of the whole scene.

I cried when I called 911.

I cried when I called Mr. Lime and the whole time he kept me talking.

I cried when the police arrived.

I cried because I wanted to stop crying and couldn't.

I cried knowing I am going to have to deal with an insurance company again and I have had so many arguments with them in the past 2 weeks.

I cried harder worrying how badly I may have hurt my head since head on collisions don't really fall under doctor's orders for concussion patients not to re-injure themselves within the first couple of weeks.

I cried worrying how badly I may have messed up my back, which took so long to get strong again.

I cried wondering if my migraines are going to become unstable again since it was a car accident 8 years ago that started them for me in the first place.

I cried worrying how I'd manage a new job for the first time in 19 years if I am offered one and my head, neck, and migraines conspire to make me not very functional.

I cried wondering how we will afford to either fix this car or get a new one because we don't have collision.

I cried because we have Calypso's birthday and Diana's graduation and I felt like I just ruined part of their joy.

I cried because my mother-in-law was arriving the next day and staying for a week to take part in the kids' milestones.

I cried because what do we do without a car to get everyone around.

I cried when I got into the ambulance and the other driver was there glowering at me all the way to the hospital.

I cried at the hospital sitting alone in a room with people walking around.

I cried and cried and cried when Mr. Lime and Diana got to the hospital.

I cried when the youth pastor arrived because Diana had sent a text message to him and all her friends.

I cried when the xray techs looked right through me the same way the xrays did as they pushed and pulled me into position.

I did laugh a little when Diana said my shuffling in the hospital hallway sounded like Graham Chapman in Yellowbeard when he does his stagger, stagger, crawl, roll bit as he follows his treasure map.

I cried when the doctor wouldn't tell me why he didn't seem worried about my head. I'm worried. Don't you understand? I can't even form the questions I need to ask. All I can say is I am worried.

I cried when they wanted me to take painkillers. I cried because I knew I wasn't supposed to take things that make your brain dull when you have a concussion and now they want me to take narcotics.

I cried on the way home.

I cried a flood when I found my mom there and I fell into her hug. I cried all over her and soaked her shoulder and sobbed big sobs while she just held me and let me cry.

I cried whenever anyone touched me not because it hurt but because it was like jostling a glass that is full to the very brim with the meniscus stretching in an arch over the height of the glass. One tiny vibration was all it took to send water streaming down the sides of the glass or tears down my cheeks.

I cried more when the kids asked why I was crying because I didn't cry like this when I had bones sticking out of me.

I cried because I didn't have any words. My rattled brain couldn't begin to find the ones I needed to explain. All I could do was cry.

I cried because Mom understood and explained it for me.

I cried when Mr. Lime asked me if I was going to call the insurance company or if he needed to. I said I needed him to.

I cried when my cousin Lisa called and told me she wished she were with me.

I cried when my best pal Gwen called and said the same.

I just cried.

And then I slept.

Ultimately I am very thankful I wasn't hurt any worse. My brain is back to being foggy again and I need naps. All the rest of the crap is going to have to wait its turn. We made it through Calypso's birthday dinner with her grandparents. Since I was not up to single handedly producing a full meal for 10 people Diana, my mom, my stepmom, and my mother-in-law all pitched in to learn how to make cake and the Trini food Calypso requested for her birthday so she could still have a special day. I answered the technical questions of how to do certain things none of them had ever done and got a few things started before turning them over. When you consider the history of divorces and contention that exists in my family and Mr. Lime's the coming together of all the mothers in cooperation out of love for Calypso and for me...well, it makes me cry...this time for good reasons.

We Shall See

So yesterday was the big day, my first face to face job interview in 19 years. I was nervous beforehand and felt like throwing up after it all. I felt reasonably calm during the interview, which was loooong. Then again this is the only interview I've been on in forever so what do I know about what's long or short. It seemed long to me. I know I dazzled in a couple areas and fell very flat in a couple. The rest I think I was at least ok. In addition to sitting with the hiring committee, I had to later meet with the library director, who is himself relatively new. He was not messing around and threw a couple of hard balls. He was direct with me so I was fairly direct with him. I know they are interviewing into next week so I won't know anything before that.

Once I got home I kept rolling things over in my mind and trying to wrap my brain around what a monumental shift it will be if I get this job. Then there were a couple of situations that cropped up which sent me right into meltdown mode. Then the self-flagellation commenced.

Ok, no more neurotic silliness. I'm pronouncing this Dance Party day, because that's a good antidote. Everybody dance now! (And then tell me what you think is a good tune to bust a move to. I like this one and Santana's Jingo.)