Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Dear Family

To my darling progeny,

It is summer vacation, which means we are spending a bit more time together...that is, when someone is not in another state, or at camp, or off spending the few precious dollars they made babysitting. I am actually glad to be in your presence most of the time. There are a few things getting under my skin though.

You are all big people now and presumably old enough to take care of a few basic things yourself. If you use something, put it away. If you make a mess, clean it up. It's that simple. I am not your maid. I spend enough time stepping over your stuff and I am rather tire of having to tell you the living room is not your personal dumping ground. Children, you have bedrooms, which I have permitted you to turn into toxic waste sites. The containment field will remain tight though. I don't care if you give audible eye rolls or grumble under your breath when I tell you for the 80 kazillionth time that I don't want half a dozen pairs of your foul smelling shoes all over the living room, artistically interspersed with sweaty tee shirts and stacks of other detritus. PUT.IT.IN.YOUR.OWN.ROOM. If you can't fit it in there may I respectfully suggest you clean your room to make room.

Which brings us to that matter. For many years I have told you that during the week you each go to camp I will be attacking, disinfecting, and reorganizing your bedrooms. You cry over the invasion of privacy. I have told you if you don't want the annual invasion of your caves then do it yourself. One of you has taken to preempting my annual sweep-out with your own semi-annual event. That's fine. Another of you has actually kept his New Year's Resolution of a clean room. Bravo! I am most impressed. The remaining offspring has not gotten the message. Yes, there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth. Too bad. When your bedrooms invite vermin you forfeit the right to privacy.

At this point I must clarify that my expedition into the dangerous territory of your bedrooms does NOT ever give you the right to go rooting around my room or to take my stuff. Months ago, one of you took 4 jump drives with 4 years of family photos on them. No one has confessed, though 3 of the drives were found in one pit of a bedroom. The 4th remains missing. I can't even tell you how this infuriates me. They were not in a location where they'd accidentally be stumbled upon and thought fair game. I explained what they held and that I was putting them in a safe place.

Also, my CDs. Yes I have an iPod. I also still have a big pile of CDs. If you want to listen to them or put them on your own iPod, I am completely fine with that. You will note that you NEVER find my CDs sitting outside their cases. Listen to them or download them and PUT THEM BACK! Although I personally like them alphabetized within genre I won't require you to do that. I do require that each disc is in the correct case and on the shelf with all the other CDs. While they aren't as delicate as vinyl they don't like to be used as drink coasters or to be walked upon.

Next we have the kitchen shears, sewing scissors, crafting supplies. Number one, if you want to use it this stuff let me know. Number two, PUT IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE. Crap on a cracker, how many times do I have to repeat myself?! It doesn't go in your room. It doesn't go on the floor. It doesn't go on the dining room table. It goes back where you found it. And so help me God, if you ever use my sewing scissors on anything other than fabric I will finish the dulling of the blade by performing an amputation on you.

Have a lovely summer.

Mom

26 comments:

Hilary said...

You gave me my morning laugh. Crap on a cracker just topped it off.

EmBee said...

Crap on a cracker... I HATE it when folks around here don't put the tape back where it belongs... Along with the kitchen shears!

Ananda girl said...

Are you sure that you aren't raising my kids? Sounds an awful lot like them.

You go lime! You've hit most of the pet peeves I have against my own brood.

lecram said...

That was so effective.... I started cleaning MY room! lol!

G-Man said...

Well....?
Show this to THEM!!

Desmond Jones said...

Hey, how'd you like to come stay at our place for a week? Or a month?

You pushed so many of my own buttons here, Lime. It was depressingly familiar. I don't know if it was comforting, or discouraging, that your kids are apparently so much like mine. . .

The CDs - AAARRRGGGHHH! Especially the 'hard-to-find' ones, that my kids evidently have a special fascination for - I didn't spend $50 to have 'em shipped from Australia because they're BAD, right? Just PUT 'EM THE HELL BACK WHEN YOU'RE DONE!

Sorry. . . I'm just repeating what you already said, aren't I?

And - I am not making this up - one time we found a missing pair of Molly's kitchen shears (70-freaking-dollar kitchen shears!) on the compost pile, after having spent a snow-covered winter there. . .

OK. . . better now. . .

Craver Vii said...

My pulse jumped when I got to reading about dulling scissors. I feel your pain. My hedge shears have been left out numerous times, and now after repeated reconditioning, someone has bent them, too! Grrr...

Elle Dubya said...

my kids aren't old enough to care about an invasion of privacy. they just convulse with happiness if i get in there and clean it up for them.

however, it is (not) comforting to know it gets better as they age.

and crap on a cracker? yeah, i'm stealing that one.

Suldog said...

Ah, yes. My own Mom threatened me with throwing out my baseball cards, for a long time, but I suppose I never got the message because she did, indeed, toss them one day. I bemoaned the fact and she said, "Well, I told you I'd do it."

She was right, of course, but I still rue that day. I could have been filthy rich by now if she hadn't done it. Instead, I'm just filthy.

mssolitaire said...

Congrats indeed for Issac in keeping his room clean! :) (why am I not surprised he's the one with the clean room?!?)

I hope this summer you don't go crazy, and I have to laugh because I've heard similar words from my mother's mouth when I was a youngin :)

Lulda Casadaga said...

This could be the reason why I never had any kids...I'm a slob enough without sharing it with others! :D I have to laugh, because when I was visiting my cousin last week I was yelling at her kids to clean up the house, after I found a icecycle wrapper on the couch tucked neatly between the cushions! :P I feel your pain...

coopernicus said...

and you're going to read this to them....right????

Mona said...

I hope you have taken print outs of this and stuck them to their respective doors!

TorAa said...

I could not have written it better than you. At least not in English.

Twenty years ago. With 4 kids between 12 and 21. Even papa, could have written - sigh - the same.

Now they struggle with the same challenges - more or less.'

Nothing new under the the Sun.
But so helpful to write about it.
Right?.

btw. Still working long days. Before Vaction in 10 days time.

Have a great rest of the week.

(M)ary said...

oh. that reminds me. i still have a sweater i "borrowed" from my mother 25 years ago.

Beach Bum said...

This is a glorious manifesto for all parents plagued with semi-grown urchins.

Parents unite! We have nothing to lose but the chains of perpetual cleaning and missing items borrowed and lost by our children. Onward too liberation.

Logophile said...

ok
the scissors, holy COW!

I am the only left handed person in this family, you wouldn't think it would be THIS HARD to keep my scissors where I can find them

AAAARGH

misticblu said...

Alphabetized within genre.... LOL. You are too much! But, yes, dear I feel ya.
I have held cell phones hostage until my missing things were "found".
Feel free to use that one.
:)

Cheesy said...

My kids hated the yearly room clean by mommers... They got better at it as the years went by cuz I tossed a lot of their chit!

Sounds like it is time for a chore list! [to be completed before meal or bedtime] Always worked here as they were walking stomachs!

Jocelyn said...

I feel like I should send this to my mom, as I'm pretty sure she felt this way for about ten years. Her best attack was to pick up all our crap and put it in a box in her own special locked place. If we wanted something from that box, we had to do a chore to earn it out.

I got shoes back by scrubbing the toilet one time.

Malicious Intent said...

Yes, crap on a cracker is a keeper for sure. I must start using that.

Sooooo, you finally got tired of talking to yourself (as evident by the conversation you just had with yourself here) so decided to just post it to the world? I understand, as I think most mother's do.

I do like the invasion plan, that certainly will get a full 5 minutes of their undivided attention. That is going to have to happen here with offspring #2's room this summer as he starts a new school that requires uniforms and a lot of unnecessary wardrobe will need to GO. So does a lot of toys that he refuses to let go, they need to be donated.

I like you, good Mommy....I cannot stand parents who do it all for them, or make up excuses for their kids. When #2 in 3rd grade turned up at the end of the year with 2 library books missing and had to pay $30, I made him take it out of his summer savings of $60 to pay for it. Too bad. You lost the books, you know the rules, you pay for it. Not my books, not my problem. How else are they to learn?

He also does chores including cooking, laundry and dusting. I told her he was not to grow up expecting a woman to do these things for you if you cannot do it yourself first. In today's world it should be a 50/50 deal.

Malicious Intent said...

P.S. send me your email so I can add you to the list to get in, would love to have your company.
http://findingmaliciousintent.blogspot.com

I have never found a bad blog from Beach Bum over at The Life and Times of a Carolina Parrothead.

We are practically neighbors, I am in DE.

Cocotte said...

Scissors, staplers, scotch tape...people around here just lay them down wherever the hell they feel like it.

AAARRRGGGHHH!

The Zombieslayer said...

You will note that you NEVER find my CDs sitting outside their cases. Listen to them or download them and PUT THEM BACK!

My pet peeve. The punishment for this is a spray in the face with tear gas. Needless to say, my CDs get back inside their cases.

S said...

LMAO...crap on a cracker.

I must have told Hannah 10 times yesterday to bring her shoes/socks into her bedroom, the LARGEST room in the house.

for a different kind of girl said...

My house was clean and well put for three days while all the boys around here were gone. They got home yesterday at 3 p.m., and by 3:10 p.m., it was a disaster. As much as I had missed them, I was wondering when they'd step back out again!