Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Fair to Middling

Ok, all you smartypants people who guessed I went to a county fair type event were right. This was not a small town fair though. This is the biggest one in Pennsylvania and I love it. I'm still working on making my computer and my camera play nice together. Ok, I haven't worked on it at all. I've been busy. Ok, today I am busy and yesterday I was just trying to move because slogging around in the rain for 5 hours and then slingshotting myself made for some very sore muscles, muscles I didn't even know existed until they hurt and all conspired to make moving an activity requiring intense effort. That's not a complaint, mind you, I'd do it all over again if I had the chance. It's a good kind of sore and you all know I am a little bit touched in the head anyway when it comes to death defying feats.

Anyway, let me introduce my first little Fair vignette with a joke.

What's 50 feet long and has 4 teeth?

Any guesses?

The funnel cake line at the fair.


Fine, call me insensitive to the dentally challenged. The joke only employs a tad of hyperbole.

I did not go to the fair alone. I went with my mother and Diana. As I mentioned, it was raining. At times it was pouring. That's ok. As far as I am concerned it just keeps the fair-weather fair-goers away thus keeping the crowds down. It was not especially cold and I had my rain poncho so I was happily dry from the knees up. Mom had a raincoat and umbrella. Diana had an umbrella and rain boots. The three of us tromped around for about 3 hours before Mom and Diana decided during a break in the sheep barn as a great downpour commenced that they were waterlogged and had tired feet. I might add, the sheep barn is where I witnessed the enormous testicles referenced yesterday. Stallions and bulls may get all the hype for being well hung but sheep and goats, pound for pound, win in the massive balls category. I was going to take a picture for all you urban folks who think I am joking but Diana was already mortified by the Quasimodo look I cultivated with the rain poncho over my backpack. Had I squatted to aim my lens at a humongous set of sheep nuts she would have disowned me on the spot. Anyway, I was undeterred and I slogged on as Mom and Diana departed for drier locales.

As I splashed down the midway where nary a soul was braving the elements to waste stupid amounts of money trying to win cheap toys made for 50 cents in China, I foolishly made eye contact with a very bored, somewhat dampened, and noticeably dentally challenged carnie. He smiled his gapped grin and thrust out a dart in my direction, "Free throw for cute girls." I laughed quite loudly at the notion that in my soggy state with my plastic rain burqa anyone could find me cute. The rest of the conversation follows:

Me: Uh, yeah, right.

Carnie: Seriously, come throw the dart, no charge. You're cute. You think I am saying you're cute just so you'll play, dontcha?

Me: Yep, pretty much.

Carnie: Naw, You're cute.

Me: (Wondering how exactly he could even determine my gender under the yards of plastic I was wearing before realizing I might not be having this conversation had I not recently waxed my upper lip) You must like your women bedraggled and hunchbacked.

Carnie: (Leering as he eyes me head to toe) No, but I like 'em meaty.

Me: (Arching a single eyebrow and thinking, "What a charmer. Why IS this guy single?")

Carnie: Just throw the dart, It's free.

Me: What do I get if I hit the target?

Carnie: A prize? Whaddya think?

Me: (Thinking, "Ask a dumb question...") Ok, gimme the dart.

Carnie: (In what I am sure he thought was his most seductive tone but what really came across as just creeptastic and as I aimed) If you meet me during my dinner break I'll give you any "prize" you want, baby."

Me: (Tempted to aim the dart at what would have been a decidedly larger target on a ram but opting to release it toward the board and nowhere near the bullseye) Think I'll pass, thanks. Stay dry.

Ah life's great pageant...

21 comments:

Cocotte said...

One word: GROSS!

Jazz said...

Had I squatted to aim my lens at a humongous set of sheep nuts she would have disowned me on the spot.

I think it would've been worth your "disownment". Then you could have joined the fair and lived happily ever after throwing darts at the dentally challenged carnie!

G-Man said...

Trini...?
Limey...?
Meesh...?
Now Meaty?
I can't keep all your names straight.... :P

EmBee said...

Sounds to me like that carnie had bigger nuts than those sheetp... or is it a ram? I know a female sheep is a ewe but isn't a male a ram? Or is it just a sheep? Oh, I'm so confused.

Suldog said...

Oh, man, there is nothing creepier than a creepy carnie. And I know. I was a carnie for a year. Slime of the earth, some of those guys.

for a different kind of girl said...

Ah, carnie come ons. The most romantic of them all!

Desmond Jones said...

So, do I win a prize for guessin' the fair?

Gettin' hit on by a toothless carnie. . . Ewwwwww. . . Makes you kinda glad you had the poncho on, just for the sake of all the slime flyin' around, don't it?

And sheep balls. . . Um. . . I'm sure I should have something just piercingly witty to say about that, but for the life of me, I'm drawing a blank. . .

Craver Vii said...

How could you pass on such a charming offer?!

S said...

plastic rain burqua

ack
ack
ack

you slay me

Logophile said...

Thank you for not subjecting me to sheep shlong photos, or their balls
:p

As for the carnie, ACK
There is a reason clowns and carnies are my phobias

~Dragonfly~* said...

OMG!!! What were you thinking woman?!?!?! You smiled at him didn't you? You showed him a full set of prime whites!!!! You know you can't be flashing no full toothed grin within 20 miles of that Fair!!! That whole neck of the woods is filled with "hoofties" just waiting on fresh blood to come to town... and they knew you were fresh blood with all those beautiful teeth!! Good thing you WERE wearing a poncho... no telling what he would've done/offered had he seen you in your tie-died best!!!! You carnie tease!!! :)

DK @ Knucklehead! said...

Carnies score just below clowns on the Creep-o-Meter. And I loved the funnel cake line joke.

BTW, Lime, this is Chris from M-ville . . . I've taken my blog underground to a new (anonymous) site so shhhh...

The address is: www.knuckleheadhumor.com.

Hope you'll visit!

jinksy said...

Hope you've all dried out now...

(M)ary said...

you could have been a National Enquirer headline: "Carnie worker injured in freak dart accident!"

Ananda girl said...

I'll be laughing at this one all night.

secret agent woman said...

Meaty? Oh my Lord. How could you resist?

VE said...

Hey, how come we can't comment on the meme post ahead of this one?

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

as usual your memes are crazee and funny...l guess you are too....best way to be..as usual l will steal it...

TLP said...

Well, I'm from PA but I don't know which fair is the biggest this time of year! York? Kutztown is big, but it's an art fair.

The Farm Show in January is probably the biggest, but you weren't there in Sept. Bloomsburg maybe????

(My word verifier is insest. That would be close if we were living in TN maybe.)

Jocelyn said...

No matter how gross he was, a little flattery never hurts. Plus, your charms clearly shine through any covering you put on yourself. Try wearing cling wrap and nothing else next time, and he won't even make you wait for his dinner break to get your PRIZE.

~Dragonfly~* said...

TLP.... Bloomsburg!!! I'm fairly certain it is the largest in the state... at least it brags to be.