1. Have you ever witnessed/been in a wet t-shirt contest?
2. Hot dogs or hamburgers?
3. What's your favorite kind of chips?
4. Have you ever twisted up a swing and then untwisted it and spun around?
What kid hasn't done this?
5. What was your favorite contraption at a playground when you were a kid?
Swings. I always wanted to see if I could swing high enough to get it to go all the way around. I'll pretend all of you are shocked by that.
6. What's a helix lucorum?
Do you speak to your mother with that mouth?
7. What's your favorite aquatic creature?
Hugh Jackman walking out of the surf.
8. Who's the best teacher in your school?
I don't own or accept personal responsibility for any schools
9. Would you ever eat hufu?(FYI...Hufu is a tofu-based product that is meant to resemble, as realistically as possible, the taste and texture of human flesh.)
The more appropriate question is who on earth invented hufu and why? Additionally, who would even ask this question?
10. How far away do you live from Ontario, Canada?
As the crow flies or driving distance? And why are crows the measurement standard in terms of bird flight anyway? Why not as the duck waddles?
11. Have you ever been to Alaska?
Nope. I can't even see it from my house.
12. Ever drive your car on a sidewalk?
I don't drive drunk.
13. Would you rather bake brownies or cookies?
What sadist is making me choose between two delights. If I'm the one baking and cleaning up after myself I should get to bake both if I want.
14. Do you like to make s'mores at a campfire?
Have you forgotten smorgasms already?
15. What's your favorite flavor coffee?
16. Do you own a knife?
No, I just puree my steaks before eating them. I spread PB and J with my fingers. For Thanksgiving we will all just rip into the turkey with our bare hands.
17. Are you pro or against the death penalty?
I am pro-grammar and I think the author of this question needs to be remediated or shot at dawn in a hail of punctuation.
18. How many scars do you have on your body, that are non-surgical?
Big one on my right shin from tripping over a baby gate while carrying an overly full laundry basket. Not all of my scars have groovy zipline stories to go with them.
19. What is one turn-off of someone you are interested in?
I'm sorry, I just can't get past the horror that is the syntax of this question.
20. What is one turn-ON of someone you are interested in?
For the love of Strunk and White, make it stop!!!!
21. Do you own a fish?
There is some cod in my freezer. Does that count?
22. Do you think there's other life in the universe?
There's plenty right here to keep me entertained and interested for a good while.
23. Are you afraid of cemeteries?
Nope. I actually enjoy them and find them peaceful.
24. Ever been in a bar fight?
Well, since you took all my knives up in #16, I had to start using bars as weapons.
25. Do you wear hats/beanies?
When it's cold.
26. Do you sleep with your bedroom door open or closed?
I don't sleep with the door. It's not very comfortable sharing the bed with it.
27. What are you mostly addicted to?
Mostly? So that means partly not addicted to? Doesn't that mostly negate the concept?
28. Are you supposed to be doing something else instead of this survey?
29. Where's the last country you think you'd ever go on vacation to?
Well, if I am travelling alphabetically, I'd say Zimbabwe. Of course Robert Mugabe's policies doesn't make it all that attractive a destination anyway.
30. Have you ever eaten anything that was inside a garbage can?
Dumpster diving is an art.
31. How many times do you say fuck a day?
I don't think I've ever said "fuck a day."
32. How bored are you, exactly?
This is quantifiable? Can I use English measurements or must I use metrics? Do I measure it in volume, length, or weight?