Sunday, December 20, 2009

All I Want For Christmas

Santa's elves have gone on strike so wish lists are getting mangled left and right. Here's how it goes. One person makes a wish and the next commenter grants it with a terrible twist then lists his own wish. For example...


Lime says...
All I want for Christmas is a new computer.

Suldog says...
Granted. Dollar Bill just bought out a warehouse of Commodore 64s. I got you one for $1.98! All I want for Christmas is for all my female readers to send naked pictures to me in their Christmas cards.

Ananda girl says...
Granted but all your female readers weigh 700 lbs and are covered in horrible skin rashes. All I want for Christmas are the complete recordings of Pink Floyd.

Cooper says...
Granted but they are all on scratched 45s and you only have a Fisher-Price turntable to play them. All I want for Christmas is...


Got it? Good! Now let's hear those wishes and see them granted.

31 comments:

Hilary said...

Sounds like fun. I guess I'll get it started with:

All I want for Christmas is a zoom lens for my camera.

lime said...

granted but the camera it was purchased for was just broken beyond repair, you can't afford a new one and all you have left to use is your old disc camera.

all i want for christmas is a week to sleep in late and not go to work.

Beach Bum said...

Cool! You do get to sleep late but not only do you miss your fantasy man Hugh Jackman go through town and stop at the local Waffle House for its five star Cheesy hamburger Helper but miss the Reader's Digest Prize patrol who knocks and knocks at your door only to give up and give it to your neighbor.

I want a beach house down in Florida and not have to pay taxes.

Craig said...

Granted, but too bad about the termites, and the hurricanes. . .

All I want for Christmas is the complete set of the Beatles remastered, signed by Sir Paul. . .

Michelle H. said...

Granted, except you noticed the album actually says, "Beetles" and it has a bunch of crickets chirping to the tunes Aerosmith, signed by Pauly Shore.

All I want for Christmas is an Apple I-phone...

~Dragonfly~* said...

You got it kiddo! But it was a homemade gift from your 3 year old niece and she gorilla glued two apples to a big plastic I to make it look like a handset.....

All I want for Christmas is a pair of diamond (not lab created or cz) white gold stud earrings!

coopernicus said...

Granted. They'll look just like the diamond in Yankee Stadium.

All I want for Christmas is 8 maids a milking...

Suldog said...

Granted. However, they've been milking diseased yaks and they have hideous viral infections lurking on almost every inch of their bodies now. The yaks ain't doing so hot, either.

All I want for Christmas is a couple million bucks.

g-man said...

Granted!!!
But's its Monopoly Money, and inflation only allows you to buy Baltic Ave. and the Reading Railroad....
All I want for Christmas is an HD-TV....

coopernicus said...

Granted...but the only station available shows reruns of Jim & Tammy Faye Baker 24/7...you'll be able to see the trowel marks on Tammy's face.

All I want for Xmas is Ann Coulter to disappear...

~Dragonfly~* said...

Granted! ... But when she goes into witness protection she takes you with her for company!!!

All I want for Christmas is to be kissed under the mistletoe.... by my true love...

Ananda girl said...

Granted! But she chooses to reappear in your bedroom, wearing her red leather, fir trimmed elf corset and candy cane stripped stalkings... but she's got Rush Limbaugh with her!

All I want for Christmas is a car that runs!

lime said...

dragonfly, granted but he has lost all his teeth and has the most putrifying bad breath ever.

ananda, granted, but it runs on foot power like the flintstone-mobile.

all i want for christmas is a clean house.

Craig said...

Granted, but alas, it was 'cleaned out' by thieves. . .

(and gosh, Suldog, you really left that 'couple million bucks' kinda just hangin' out there; I was sure you were gonna be granted a few tons of venison. . .)

All I want for Christmas is a bottle of a nice Chianti. . .

g-man said...

And some Fava Beans and some liver?

I could also use a gift card from Home Depot...:-)

Craver Vii said...

Ten scrumptious gift cards from Home Depot, how's that G-Man? Except that each card comes with a to-do list of things that have to be finished in the next two weeks.

All I want for Christmas is an external hard drive so I can store my photographs.

~Dragonfly~* said...

Granted Craver... but it's so external that you have to go outside in the snow to plug into it!!!

All I want for Christmas is for Lime to find some joy, peace and reprieve from the daily grind.... Merry Christmas.

(This has been a lot of fun today Lime... thank you.)

S said...

Granted, but after 5 minutes of joy, peace and reprieve, there is a knock on the door and 40 relatives barge in with tacky Christmas gifts.

All I want for Christmas is to be 5 inches taller.

Hilary said...

Granted but you're five inches taller than Billy Barty.

All I want for Christmas is a new mattress for my bed.

lime said...

granted but it's a bed of nails.

all i want for christmas is hugh jackman

EmBee said...

Granted, but it's one of those life size cardboard cutouts... And the local frat brothers used a sharpie to draw glasses, zits, scars and graffiti all over him... Those nasty frat boys!

All I want for Christmas is a gas cook top.

Jocelyn said...

Granted, but there's no stove underneath it, so you're left with nothing more than a lovely set of hardy burners and a tank of gas, both of which are glorified paper weights.

All I want for Christmas is a trip on an airplane that's heading in the opposite direction from Christmas...

crazy4coens said...

Granted, but it's going straight into a fire breathing hurricane headed to Fresno.

All I want for Christmas is a new hybrid car.

Cricket said...

Granted, but it's a hybrid of a Yugo and a Gremlin.

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth capped.

misticblu said...

Granted. Please enjoy your diamond crusted gold caps.
All I want Christmas is all squirrels within a half mile of my house to drop dead......... right......... now!

Suldog said...

Granted. But they've all dropped dead in your backyard and attracted the most gigantic flock of buzzards ever seen. The buzzards feast on the squirrels and leave tons of buzzard poop all over your house. Not only that, they don't leave! They figure this is the best feed they've had in years, so they stick around to see if more squirrels will die there. Nobody will come near your house now, and the accumulated buzzard poop is clogging up everything and smells hideous and is all squishy and nasty. Then, by the time the buzzards figure out that no more squirrels are coming, it's too late for them to fly away because they've lost the strength to do so. They all die and sit in your backyard festering, at which point gangs of roving feral cats pick up the delectable aroma and head to your place, where they eat the rotten buzzards. But the buzzards were really, really rotten, so all the feral cats get sick and die. Then, a gigantic horde of hyenas descends upon your property to eat the cats. They're not picky, however, and when they run out of cats, they eat you. After a while, they poop you out, and you fertilize a big oak tree, which - as oak trees are wont to do - produces acorns, which, in turn, attracts whole bunches of squirrels from all over the country. But, you're not there any more, so it doesn't bother you.

All I want for Christmas is psychiatric help.

lime said...

LMAO @ suldog!!!

wish granted but it's from lucy van pelt.

all i want for christmas is someone to come do my baking.

Hilary said...

Granted but the ingredient list included items found in crazy Suldog's comment.

All I want for Christmas is to have some good photo opportunities.

Michelle H. said...

Granted, although it's at a colonoscopy convention.

All I want for Christmas is a really good hairstyle...

EmBee said...

Granted but it's performed by Lady Gaga and it's 'her' idea of a 'really good hairstyle'... Um, good luck with that!
X:-P

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