Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Welcome to the Lime-a-lympics

I missed the opening ceremonies of the Vancouver Olympics but I've been catching the games here and there since then. I've realized I get the biggest kick out of the events on ice. I love the skill, speed, and grace. The events on snow don't interest me quite as much because of the dominance of faddish things like snowboarding. The biathlon seems like fun though. Cross country skiing and shooting just strikes me as practical from the hunter/trapper days and yet slightly goofy in an endearing way.

Curling cracks me up entirely. I don't mean that in a mocking way. It's the one sport in the games I'd really like to try and could possibly put together a version out of items I have on hand. I have a broom, a bunch of sawdust, and I figure I could either fill my tea kettle with sand or use my iron as the curling stone. It looks like the sort of game a bunch of guys sitting around drinking Labatt's invented because none of them could stand up on skates. They must have been the handful of Canadians who can't ice skate and yet they succeeded in getting it to be an Olympic sport, one a woman in the second trimester of pregnancy is even competing. What other sport sees middle aged guys and pregnant women competing side by side at a world class level? That's the sort of thing that gives a klutz like me some real hope.

It is in this spirit of inventing sports I could actually succeed in I am going to propose a few new ones. I invite you to submit your proposals as well.

1. Yesterday I started with a horrid head cold. It could bring a whole new level of meaning to "hockey." Alternately, I could be a loogie-er instead of a luger.

2. I wound up making 50 fastnachts yesterday. I have a few leftover. I suggest instead of discus or horseshoes we have the donut toss. We can have events for both distance and accuracy. Freeze them and they'd make dandy hockey pucks too.

3. Another donut related idea is to take the guns away from biathletes and replace them with small donut cannons. Make the fastnachts big enough and we can replace the skis with donuts as snowshoes. Maybe we could even dip the donuts in gold, silver, and bronze to use as award medals. Have I mentioned I made a LOT of fastnachts?

4. At work the boss seemed pleased with how quickly I reconciled billing statements and collated piles of forms. There's another new girl at work too. Poor thing had a terrible time with the paper shredder yesterday. I think we could easily come up with some sort of triathlon event involving shredding, collating, and reconciling. Style points could be awarded for staple placement and colorful highlighting.

Ok, you're up. What sports do you want to invent and see added to the next Olympics?


18 comments:

Suldog said...

Co-Ed Naked Snow Jogging!

(Which, as you know, MY WIFE and I have actually done. We would probably be the preeminent favorites since we're probably the only ones with experience. At least, I assume that's the case, since so many people search for that term in Google and end up at my blog. If there were others doing it, they'd go there, instead.)

By the way, we actually went to the World Curling Championships. You may have read this piece before, but since I didn't put in a gratuitous link for the snow jogging thing, I feel like I've earned one for the curling piece.

http://jimsuldog.blogspot.com/2006/04/curlers-have-big-stones.html

Jazz said...

I have nothing to offer - especially after reading Sully's comment.

Cocotte said...

I've become quite adept at running out to the mailbox and back without a coat or boots in 18 degree weather and 3 feet of snow.

Craver Vii said...

I'm typing by memory, as Suldog's comment left me temporarily blinded.

How about father-and-son lightsaber duels? I have practiced that for years, and am quite confident that my skills have been honed well enough to defend my home from an invading army, provided that they were all under ten years old.

Shooting rubber bands is underrated. I even made my own rubber band pistol. It's great for shooting little plastic army guys, and it's helpful also to make the lazy cat move away from the heating vents.

Oh, my eyes still burn...

Cricket said...

Well, this isn't original but I forget where I heard of it: I once heard it suggested that PBS sponsor the Olympics and include events such as the 100m harpsichord-carry. Now that's an event I think would be fun to watch.

coopernicus said...

donut ringtoss???

S said...

Well, I just dont know. We dont have fastnuts or snow here....

I'll just come and watch your olympics, ok?

Craig said...

Well, shoot, any group of guys (especially if enough of them are under 30) can generate an impromptu 'olympics' with whatever happens to be at hand - throwing ping-pong balls into beer glasses from across the room, eg.

My first job after college, there were three or four of us, all under 30, with our desks in the same 'back room', and every time somebody managed to throw a wad of trash into the wastebasket from behind his back, it was declared a 'New Event', and a half-hour of lost productivity ensued. . .

And, with Suldog in mind, isn't there an actual Naked Olympics, already?

Suldog said...

There's an actual Naked Olympics?!? Excuse me, I have to go call my pay-per-view provider.

Kat said...

Now I want a donut. Grr...

San said...

Yesterday I performed a marathon of file conversions--ancient Appleworks spreadsheet files to Microsoft Excel. I had to scurry to download a trial application of i-Work, which in turn disabled my oldest Appleworks word documents. So I had to pick up speed in my file conversions, then rush to remove every trace of i-Work from my computer and re-open the old text files. I believe this is some kind of techno triathlon and I believe I'm a champion simply for surviving it. I will take a donut for my medal. Please hang it around my neck.

misticblu said...

Please tell me you have heard of the Redneck Olympics hosted in Dublin, Ga!!

http://summerredneckgames.com/about

Never been myself, but hear that it is a hoot.

Moosekahl said...

You know, I have 24/7 access to the curling club to use at any time I wish as a member of the Fairbanks Curling Club. Not playing on a actual team this quarter but can go to sub anytime. I throw first on our team, our skip (the last curler of four and the one that helps tell us where to aim) moved to a new league. You should come visit and I would take you curling. Fill the tea kettle with cement, it will be more weight appropriate :)

Beach Bum said...

A sport added to the winter Olympics? I'm always up for more ladies beach volleyball, this time in the snow.

Cosima said...

Aiya, I had a head cold when I was ten years old and remember it to this day. Hope you are well on the road of recovery.

Biathlon is big in Germany. It's cool too watch them shooting and skiing in ice cold temperatures in your well heated living-room.

My proposal for the next winter Olympics is snow angel drawing. The A note is for speed (flap, flap, flap...), the B note is for originality of your contortions.

Anonymous said...

Dog food hockey...where dogs dump their food pellets on the kitchen floor their kitty buddies wack the pellets around and the humans step on the dog food in bare feet and grumble....Mary (ox)

secret agent woman said...

Don't know, but anything with donuts sounds good.

Jocelyn said...

I think there's still some biathlon left...the guy doing the commentating is Duluthian Chad Salmela. My hubs coached cross-country running with him for five years, and every time Chad starts calling the biathlon races, Hubs says, "This makes me feel like I'm on a two hour drive home from a cross-country meet somewhere. We're in a big bus; we all just ate Subway; and now Chad's monologuing." Chad's a great guy, but he DOES talk.