Setting: Last hour of the business day. Office has only a couple other patients when one walks in.
Me: (cheerily) Hi, Bob! How are you tonight?
Bob: (slumping over the sign in sheet) Ya got about an hour?
Me: Sure, we're not busy. What's up?
Bob: I'm too freakin' tired to spend the hour telling you.
Me: S'alright. You're here to be taken care of. Take a deep breath then let's get you adjusted and have your therapies then you can finish up with the massage therapist and walk out of here feeling a little relaxed.
Bob: Sounds great. I'm gonna go use the restroom first.
(Bob exits to the restroom then returns to the desk a few minutes later.)
Bob: (Leaning over the desk) Ya got a stapler I can use?
Me: (Picking up the stapler and wielding it in a menacing fashion) Sure, whaddya need me to staple?
Bob: (Looking alarmed before leaning in to whisper) Uh, my pants...I just split them.
Me: Yikes! Ok, Bob, I'm gonna trust you to use this stapler in a responsible fashion and without my assistance.
Bob: I appreciate you not insisting on stapling anything so close to that part of me.
Me: Not a problem. I aim to please.
(Bob exits to the restroom again. He walks somewhat carefully [so as to avoid being poked in the behind by staples] to the desk a few minutes later to return the stapler with thanks.)
Later as Bob checks out at the end of his visit...
Me: Feeling more relaxed now?
Bob: (Walking a bit gingerly) Yep, but I'd feel even more relaxed if staples weren't poking my rump.
15 comments:
I don't think a stapler, even of industrial variety would have much hope of holding mine up.
At one point, several years ago, I used to wander around wearing horrible cauldroy/however you spell it. Held up by an old pair of tights. (Don't ask.)
OK well if you insist on asking, the tights went round the waist and were tied there, all stretchy yet sagging increasingly as time went on...
Sounds like Bob was just havin' One of Those Days. . .
I was gonna make some manner of smart-assed comment about staples, but after seeing Gledwood's comment above, I, uh, lost my train of thought. . .
How come stuff like that never happens at my office?
That sounded extremely painful, I think I would suffer the split pants.
Was Bob a big boy?
You can't make this kind of stuff up. I suppose it's better to be observing this kind of day than having it yourself.
Strangely, last Saturday night as I was putting my wallet in my back pocket after paying a restaurant check, I realized I had a big hole in my own pants, right along the back pocket seam. Oy. Fortunately, my t-shirt was covering it.
I think the only time I ever actually split my pants was in grade school - I'm sure you remember those cheesy plaid rayon pants that were all the rage in the 70s? Yep, right in the middle of gym class.
On the plus side, they sent me home, so the teasing and embarrassment was turned to envy and joy. Ha. Score one for me.
Poor Bob. I think you were the most important part of the day for him. You do such a good job with your customers!
Does Bob need to lose weight? I guess you are going to have to keep some extra pants in stock at the office...:D Too funny!
You need to add duct tape to your office supplies. ;)
Thank you for not stapling Bob's pants to his ass.
I'm sure they would have stayed up but I bet he would have been even more uncomfortable.
That's when you go home, crawl into bed and just start fresh the next morning.
I play a little game with my husband wherein I identify my favorite supporting characters on television (Kenneth on 30 ROCK being one of them).
Now I have a new game: my favorite supporting characters in Lime's office. I hope he's a recurring one!
Nevermind the duct tape, how 'bout an acupuncture needle and a comment thread?
That is hilarious!
As much as I like to make stuff up, and as much as you have a talent for the odd semi-fib, O Queen Of Memes, nothing beats the funny stuff life drops in our laps. Nothing.
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