Overheard in the Office

When last we left one of my favorite patients he was struggling with staples poking him in the derriere. This week we have another chapter of "Overheard in the Office" starring Bob.

Bob sees one of our massage therapists who has developed a reputation as being directly descended from the Marquis de Sade. Even when working on muscle groups that are not generally considered painful to work deeply with she has been known to elicit pleas for mercy. When working on a muscle such as the Iliopsoas she earns every bit of the reputation that causes patients to tremble in fear. I've had her work on my Iliopsoas, or Psoas (SEW-az) for short (Almost makes it sound like a beloved pet with a cute little nickname, doesn't it? Do not be fooled!). I know well the pain she can inflict.


In order for you to appreciate this in some small way let me give you a brief anatomy lesson. This muscle attaches to the lower back at one end and the femur at the other. This means it goes from the back of the body to the front of the body. It is buried under a few other layers of unpronounceable muscles. In order to access it the massage therapist lays her fingers on top of your hipbone as you lay face up. She then slides her fingers down your hipbone toward your innards, actually slipping under some of your innards to finally reach the Iliopsoas. You should more or less imagine being slowly eviscerated with a spoon. This is before she ever touches a sore muscle. Once she hits that muscle, which she is only trying to access because it is already causing you pain, she is going to make it hurt even more. You are either going to want to punch her, let loose with a torrent of profanity, or both. Our pal Bob was heard to yelp then growl. Much like Inigo Montoya remarking on Westley's shrieks at the hands of the Six-fingered Man in The Princess Bride, I intoned to alarmed office dwellers, "This is the sound of ultimate suffering."

A little while later Bob was overheard telling the Six-fingered Massage Therapist, "I used to think you were a nice person." SFMT responded with a deranged chuckle and by countering she had learned something new about anatomy that day. I asked what that could possibly be. She informed me, "Well, Bob here demonstrated conclusively that the Psoas is connected to the middle finger." He smiled triumphantly as he proudly admitted flipping her off during the torture massage. I told him he was my hero.