Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Overheard in the Office

When last we left one of my favorite patients he was struggling with staples poking him in the derriere. This week we have another chapter of "Overheard in the Office" starring Bob.

Bob sees one of our massage therapists who has developed a reputation as being directly descended from the Marquis de Sade. Even when working on muscle groups that are not generally considered painful to work deeply with she has been known to elicit pleas for mercy. When working on a muscle such as the Iliopsoas she earns every bit of the reputation that causes patients to tremble in fear. I've had her work on my Iliopsoas, or Psoas (SEW-az) for short (Almost makes it sound like a beloved pet with a cute little nickname, doesn't it? Do not be fooled!). I know well the pain she can inflict.


In order for you to appreciate this in some small way let me give you a brief anatomy lesson. This muscle attaches to the lower back at one end and the femur at the other. This means it goes from the back of the body to the front of the body. It is buried under a few other layers of unpronounceable muscles. In order to access it the massage therapist lays her fingers on top of your hipbone as you lay face up. She then slides her fingers down your hipbone toward your innards, actually slipping under some of your innards to finally reach the Iliopsoas. You should more or less imagine being slowly eviscerated with a spoon. This is before she ever touches a sore muscle. Once she hits that muscle, which she is only trying to access because it is already causing you pain, she is going to make it hurt even more. You are either going to want to punch her, let loose with a torrent of profanity, or both. Our pal Bob was heard to yelp then growl. Much like Inigo Montoya remarking on Westley's shrieks at the hands of the Six-fingered Man in The Princess Bride, I intoned to alarmed office dwellers, "This is the sound of ultimate suffering."

A little while later Bob was overheard telling the Six-fingered Massage Therapist, "I used to think you were a nice person." SFMT responded with a deranged chuckle and by countering she had learned something new about anatomy that day. I asked what that could possibly be. She informed me, "Well, Bob here demonstrated conclusively that the Psoas is connected to the middle finger." He smiled triumphantly as he proudly admitted flipping her off during the torture massage. I told him he was my hero.



19 comments:

Craig said...

Hmmmmm. . . You know, I think I know that muscle. Something about the way us cyclists crouch when we get down on the drops of our handlebars. . .

And right at the moment, I think I'm glad that I'm a few hundred miles from your office. . .

". . . eviscerated with a spoon. . ."

(*shudder*)

Jazz said...

Ah, but I bet he was feeling a million times better afterward.

g-man said...

Loved your demo pic...
But that person seemed a bit anorexic???

Kat said...

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! That is hilarious! But only because she isn't MY massage therapist. ;)

Suldog said...

Ugh. I hope I never need my illewhosis worked on. It sounds as though death by a thousand paper clips shot in your eye would be preferable.

Cocotte said...

This does not encourage me to ever visit you at work!

Craig said...

Actually, you know, now that I think on it, this reminds me a bit of when 8M was presenting breech, and Jen saw the 'baby-flipping' doc before giving birth. . .

Mona said...

Yikes! That is a massage? I felt the pain while reading!

coopernicus said...

my name is domingo montoya...you killed my father..prepare to die...

S said...

Oh yeah one time I slipped on a rock in Cascadel Woods, and I pulled that muscle in a big way....took a while to heal too, but then I was in my early 30's, if it happened now I would probably limp forever or end up with Miss Six Fingers!

Have a great day!

Craver Vii said...

I don't do the middle finger thing. Ever. But that was pretty funny!

Ananda girl said...

Hahahaha... good for Bob!

secret agent woman said...

I don't believe I'd let that person touch me - I'm not so much into unnecessary pain.

Hilary said...

Go Bob! I've had my rotator cuff worked on in a similar manner. At least it works.

I'm trying to catch up with blog reading.. I fell way behind in just two weeks. Glad to come back to your amusing post. :)

crazy4coens said...

owww! this is supposed to be good for a person?

Moosekahl said...

LMAO!

Jocelyn said...

Bob has restraint; I kinda thought he'd have been justified in socking her (inadvertently, as a muscular reaction, of course).

cathy said...

That explains why I get a pain in my groin when my back is hurting. I'll be sure to find a male therapist if I need it massaging. That way I can do the old grab a bag and tell him, "I won't hurt you if you don't hurt me."

( funny and imformative, cheers Lime.)

(M)ary said...

I sense a pick up line in a S&M bar here...something like 'would you like to touch my Psoas?' or 'you have been a naughty boy, lets go back to my place and i will massage your Psoas!'