Thursday, June 24, 2010

Slice of Lime-the Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nuthin but the Truth

And now...without further ado...I bring you the big reveal as to the truths and falsehoods in my list from Tuesday.

1. When I was 5 I threw myself out of a tree in an attempt to break my leg so I could have a cast like my best friend had. I was sorely disappointed to merely twist my ankle.
True, every word of it.

2. I slept on the porch of the governor's mansion on Mackinac Island, Michigan.
False. During the Pennsylvania to California bicycle trip I was on in 1987 the group of us asked to sleep on the porch of the governor's mansion on Mackinac, Island, Michigan. Our request was prompted by missing the last ferry back to the lower peninsula and having no money for lodgings with us. We were denied permission. Imagine that! Instead we slept on the floor of the Lions Club under a dusty, musty crushed velvet stage curtain. Yes, all of us were under the same gigantic curtain.

3. I have only mowed a lawn once in my life and it was only so I could have a place to sleep that night. I did the job poorly due to my inexperience and I am sure the folks thought I was just being sloppy and didn't care, but I really did try my best.
True, same trip, different state. This occurred in Oregon.

4. In college I was stopped by a photographer as I was leaving class one day. He ran over to me and begged me to pose for him simply because I didn't have bangs. I was a student back in the 80s when that scary mall hair fad was all the rage. You know the style, the one where girls teased and curled their bangs and used an entire can of Aquanet to make them stand up like a threatening claw. Well, I never succumbed to that and it served me well because the money I made posing for that guy put me through the rest of my time at college. If I'd been a slave to fashion I'd still be paying student loans.
Only partially true. I was stopped by a photographer and due to having long hair and no bangs. He was a fellow student though so no money was involved since it was just for a class assignment of his.

5. I'm a book burner who has encouraged others to join in this activity.
True. Here's where the "statistics" part of the title to my "lies" post comes in. I burned my college statistics text book at the end of the term rather than sell it back to the school store for 42 cents. I invited classmates to join me. No one opted to join me. I savored the experience alone.

6. I was part of a carload of gringos who drove in the Chapare region of Bolivia. The Chapare is one of the main producers of cocaine in the world. After passing through one of the open air markets where I was told cocaine is sold like flour we went swimming in a local river. I was more nervous about swimming in the river than by being conspicuously American in that part of the world. My reluctance was due to a misunderstanding about the level of pollution in the river. I thought the local guy we spoke to said it was highly contaminated due to the cocaine production. What I misunderstood was that he was speaking in the past tense but reassuring our local hosts the river was no longer in such bad shape but was now safe.
Every word of this is absolutely true.

7. I once shared a hot spring in Yellowstone National Park with Christie Brinkley.
Embellishment. Friends and I were in a hot spring in Yellowstone with a guy and his girlfriend. Someone remarked that he looked like he could be Christie Brinkley's brother. He laughed and said that's because he was. Who knows if it that was true or not?

8. On a trip to England I succeeded in getting a Beefeater at Buckingham Palace to crack up during the changing of the guard. Then I watched him get a right proper dressing down from a superior.
Complete fabrication. I've never been to England.

9. During the processional into the stadium for my high school graduation I wore a pair of those gigantically over sized sunglasses even though it was strictly forbidden. When I got caught I talked my way out of having to give them up then donned them again once the coast was clear. It was my way of expressing my displeasure over the stupidity of school administrators who felt the need to hold the ceremony in a much smaller venue than normal (thus limiting the number of guests who could attend) only so they could show it off because it was new. My mother and grandparents were mortified. My father beamed with pride.
True story.

10. I have a strange birthmark on my right butt cheek. Since I knew I was adopted I used to imagine, when I was little, that it marked me as the daughter of a princess who would find me after years of searching and I'd be able to prove I was royalty by mooning the king.
False, but I do have a birthmark on my...

11. The first time I got pulled over by a cop while I was driving I was 14 years old.
True. My 19 year old cousin was teaching me to drive in the parking lot of the local farmer's market late one night. I was lurching the car all over the place which drew the attention of a cop. He pulled us over and said he thought I was driving a stick shift because of the way the car was jumping around. It was an automatic. Oh yeah, when he asked how old I was I told him I was going to be 16 the next week. I saw my very brief life flash before my eyes as I imagined being hauled into jail and having them call my mother, who would assuredly end my life before I reached legal driving age. My terror was augmented by a cousin who got quite lippy with the cop because her mother was dating the chief of police at the time.

12. I was once offered $200 to eat calamari...one of the pieces that actually looks like a mini octopus. I.could.not.do.it. Just couldn't get that thing past my lips. Not for $200. Not for $2000. Yes, I just heard the collective gasp of all of you calamari lovers out there.
True. My dad put the cash on the table and handed me a fork with a vile invertebrate on it. He and Isaac LOVE calamari. I.just.can't.do.it.

13. I did lick ice cream off the kitchen floor once when I was pregnant though. Cravings, ya know? I dropped my hot fudge sundae on the floor. We had no more ice cream. I was desperate.
False. Listen, I may have licked Dorito crumbs out of my dad's briefcase when I was pregnant but even I have my limits and licking ice cream off the floor crosses them.

14. I was frisked and threatened by armed military in Caracas, Venezuela because I took a picture in the airport.
True. Sad, but true. Ain't no way I'm telling you what I did in the Oakland, CA airport that got me frisked though.

15. I once aspired to being a parametrician.
False. Have you been shopping in the Chapare region of Bolivia if you think this could ever be true????






19 comments:

Craig said...

Hey, I think I did pretty well!

Craig said...

Careful, tho - my feelings might get hurt if you keep hammering the 'I hate math' thing. . .

:P

Cricket said...

Interesting. I knew it about the book-burning, so out of character it just had to be true, sort of.

I also knew I'd enjoy your take on this. You and Sul both have a gift for BS that I don't have. Really, I tried that route. It was so lame I just wound up thinking of odd things that were true.

Weren't college bookstores the biggest scam? We'll sell you this book new for $50, buy it back from you for $5, then sell it again as used for $40. 42 cents sounds low, but I'd believe it.

One of the schools I went to had a cute trick of buying hardcover, deluxe editions of ordinary books like Hamlet or Ulysses - ones you could buy in paperback, new, for a few bucks. Grrr.

Cocotte said...

Good call on the statistics book! But I'd like to know how exactly you were 'in' a hot spring at Yellowstone? Those things are HOT!

coopernicus said...

ok...now you are going to HAVE to give up the Oakland tale...

Suldog said...

Way too good, all of this. And I'm glad to see that #5 was, indeed, done in such a way as to not offend my libertarian sensibilities!

I still want photos, vis-a-vis #10, even if the original statement wasn't true. As a matter of fact, I want photos to validate what you say about it NOT being true. How else do we know you're not lying to us?

#11 - What happened after that? Did you have to go to the station? Were you ticketed? Or did you get off scot free? And, if so, how did Scot feel about it?

#14 - They frisked you because they heard that tale you were telling in #10 and they wanted to find out if they could tell by feel. The photo thing was just a handy excuse. Same thing for Oakland, whatever it was they told you.

#16 - You were once served a glass of water with more lemons in it than water. You forgot that one.

Sarah said...

Dude..

You have had an amazing life!

Come visit me in Portland.

Craver Vii said...

You are equal parts fun and crazy. :-)

lime said...

craig, i am careful to distinguish between hating math and mathematicians. hate the first, love the second.

cricket, the 42 cent price tag was me employing hyperbole, but yeah it was one of those total racket deals.

cocotte, some of them are too hot for people but others are nice like a bathtub.

coopernicus, even mr. lime doesn't know the oakland story.

suldog, i think when the cop realized what was really going on he was so amused by my stark terror he let us off with a warning. and yeah, that water was an absolute hoot!

sarah, send the plane ticket and i'll be there!

craver, some people would suggest the balance leans toward crazy ;)

crazy4coens said...

that was fun to read! thanks!

Logophile said...

I knew the truth of the book burning because of our annual workbook blaze for the summer solstice.
I knew the answers to some of the others for sure but as always,
girl,
you so cray-zy

(M)ary said...

Ugh...I am having problems commenting. Will come back later.

Moannie said...

They all sounded plausible to me, Lime...no woman with that lustrous hair could live a quiet life.

Beach Bum said...

I was part of a carload of gringos who drove in the Chapare region of Bolivia.

Now that is a book just begging to be written.

VE said...

Hey...what happened? I had a lengthy comment on here with my guesses and I saw it there after I submitted it but now its gone...

VE said...

Do'h...it was an earlier post. Silly me...

Oh...and I did pretty damn good on the test too. Funny...one of the few I got wrong was the governer's porch and I suspected that might have been from the cycling adventure you mentioned in a comment on my blog. I don't approve of the half truths though....that smacks of government! ;)

(M)ary said...

I only got 1 out of my 3 guesses correct!

Well, the book burning was a trick question. I totally appreciate the idea of not giving the store the satisfaction of paying a pittance for you text book.

Lawn mowing: I feel like I should have gotten that one correct. Oh well, if you want to mow my lawn stop by FW Indiana any time. I am not picky about how well it is done, just ask my neighbors.

Polluted river: whew, I am glad that one is true because otherwise we would need to get Freud in here to analyze the symbolism. Luckily in this case the polluted river is just a polluted river!

secret agent woman said...

Mmm, calamari. You're missing out.

I never mowed a lawn until I bought this house a couple of years ago.

Michelle H. said...

I so would have faked the calamari for the $200 smackers. Sorry.