Calypso needed to go to the doctor. Since her tonsils looked like golf balls I wanted to know whether or not it was strep. She was just there last week for something else. The doctor walked into the room and asked what brought us here today. Calypso deadpanned, "I missed you so much I had to come see you again." The doctor laughed and said, "You know, I think we do need to put your picture on the wall of this particular exam room since it seems to be the one you're always in."
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After that, Mr. Lime wanted to pick up a copy of his MRI report since we can't actually get into the neurologist until next month...unless there's something totally horrifying in the results. Not that we know what it means but apparently he has a Whooziewhatsit's cyst, a sinus infection, and an otherwise "unremarkable" noggin. I welcomed him to the club since I was told after my concussion and subsequent head-on collision that according to the CT scan I had my brain was also "unremarkable."
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Next we stopped to get bananas and soup fixings since those were two foods which appealed to Calypso and little else did. As I was checking out, I noticed Mr. Lime snuck a 2.5 ft pepperoni onto the conveyor belt. I raised an eyebrow. He smiled and said it was good for Whooziewhatsit's cysts. I relented.
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On the way home Calypso wielded the large pepperoni and announced she had found the perfect murder weapon. She could bludgeon her victim to death then eat the weapon. I countered that the pepperoni was likely not hard enough or weighty enough to bash in a skull fatally. It might bruise you but I doubted the lethality of such a weapon unless perhaps it were frozen first. Mr. Lime opined that freezing it would merely make the pepperoni so brittle it would snap on impact.
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So dear reader, now it's your turn to weigh in on this important debate. Could a large pepperoni be successfully used as a murder weapon?
17 comments:
Yes it could!!!
You could cram it down the victoms throut!
OK...
Maybe I can't spell throat...
But I CAN spell YAHTZEE!!!
Hey! G-Man stole my answer from me!
Jazz
Another day with the Hitchcocks.
Glad to hear that Mr. Lime is mostly unremarkable. Keep us posted.
I'm reminded of Yogi Berra, who was checked out by team doctors after a violent collision at home plate. He reported, "They X-rayed my head, but they didn't find nothin'. . ."
And you know, it's probably just best for everyone if I abstain from commenting about 30-inch pepperonis. . .
Well, see, here's the thing: If the pepperoni comes wrapped, you could definitely freeze it and beat someone to death with it. It's structural integrity wouldn't be compromised enough to make it useless as a weapon with the wrap to strengthen it, I would think.
Or, you could break it in two equal halves and shove them up someone's nose. It might not immediately kill them, but they sure would be mortified.
An unremarkable brain is always a good thing! And if you let that pepperoni dry long enough, it might just do the job.
there was a shorty story written years ago...can't remember the author...where a woman clocked her husband over the head with a frozen rib roast, killing him. She put the roast in the oven, walked down to the corner market to get a can of peas, came back home and called the police saying she found her husband on the floor unconscious. The constibles came round and did their questioning and investigation, having no clue what happened to him othat than he was struck with a blunt instrument. Before they left, the mrs. treated them all to a roast dinner....
sorry..it was a leg of lamb...Lamb to The Slaughter by Roald Dahl
Firstly, commiserations to Calypso..I spent the first fifteen years of my life bedevilled with Tonsillitis. Each year, up they would come, red and round and covered in white spots. One year they were so bad I was sent to Isolation Hospital as they thought I had Diphtheria-shows how long ago that was.
Then, so very happy that Mr. Limes head is unremarkable.
As for the pepperoni...cut it up into pieces, stuff it in the hottest peppers you can find, smother with chilli sauce...sit back and watch the explosion.
ack! Tonsillitis can be cruel & does need to be attacked asap!
Pepperoni...with sprinkled pepper might be close to a 'chemical' weapon.
As far as I am concerned, frozen is assumed.
Compressed air should launch a frozen projectile with enough force to star in an adventure flic.
Of course, there is always the handy pepperoni bat to the throat.
Finally, a pepperoni stuffed in the victim's backpack and then released in bear territory is a devious twist.
This is fun, but I gotta go before I'm late for today's counseling session.
Does anyone beside myself remember the toy gun from the early 70's that shot out small plastic disks? I imagine if you upscale that design to fit discs of frozen pizzas it could be an awesome weapon.
It would appear your previous commenters have successfully tackled the murdering, and in a variety of ways, which is remarkable. When it comes to brains, however, I will just chime in by saying sometimes it is nice to be unremarkable!
Perhaps if you could get your victim to sit still long enough you could bore him to death with your attempts to knock him out with the pizza.
Altho, honestly, I have seen some frozen items at the bottom of my freezer that look hard enough to hurt. Maybe Calypso has a mystery book in this idea...
I suspect that if one person were to eat that whole pepperoni it could kill them. Or maybe they'd just wish they were dead. Or everyone that has to be in the same room with them would wish they were dead. Or something like that....
I worked at a practice once where someone sent a giant pepperoni as a gift. The jokes we made were less demure than murder weapon jokes.
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