Tuesday, April 05, 2011

There's a Reason I Shop Alone

For many years it was not the norm.  I'd schlep along all three of the limelets to the grocery store to get the job done.  They were under strict orders to keep one hand on the cart at all times.  I did not tolerate kids running up and down the aisles of the supermarket and causing mayhem.  Once they all entered school I did my trips solo....with an ordered list.  I do not especially enjoy shopping so I am in and out with as little fuss as possible.

This week there was a deviation when I had to pick up Mr. Lime from an engagement he had and then do a shopping trip at the local bulk warehouse store.  I offered to drop him at home first since he hates shopping even more than I do.  He said it was silly to make the extra trip since the store was on the way home so he'd come with me.

Here then is how the trip went.

(Walking from the parking lot, grabbing a cart and heading to the door. Once through the door, Mr. Lime offers to push the cart.  I walk quickly toward my destination and turn around to find Mr. Lime still barely past the entrance and sauntering along.)

Me: (waving) Uh!  over here.

Mr. Lime: (catching my eye and still moseying)  Yeah, I see you.  There's a lot to see here. (picking an item off a display) Look a giant pack of batteries!

Me: Yes, that's what they hope you notice so you'll buy more stuff.  Moving on....(I stop for a can of stuffed grape leaves)

Mr. Lime: Those are disgusting.  I don't like them.  They look like cigars and don't taste much better.

Me: (placing them in the cart) More for Calypso and me then.

Mr. Lime: Can I get cigars for Isaac and me then?

Me:  Clearly you've been smoking something else already if you think I'd consent to actual cigars.

(The trip continues in starts and fits as I rush ahead for what I want and know is there then wait for Mr. Lime to catch up to me.)

Me: (standing in the middle of frozen foods looking down the aisle as Mr. Lime bounces on something)  What are you doing?

Mr. Lime: (excitedly) We gotta get one of these!

Me: (giving up and walking back toward him and the cart with an armload of frozen berries) What is it?

Mr. Lime: (bouncing happily)  It's a squishy mat.  It feels good!  You could have one at the sink.  I could get one for work.

Me: (taking a turn bouncing)  It's a chef's mat.  How much are they?  (looking) $39.95!  We'll pass.

Mr. Lime: (slightly whiny) But it feels good on my feet.

Me: Yeah, and you see all these bulk sized boxes of cereal and things?  The boy is going to scarf through them in no time flat.  $39.95 is about a week's worth of cereal, milk, and bananas for this kid.

Mr. Lime:  (shocked into reality)  Crap, you're right.  Ok, when we have the money.

Me: Ok, so maybe in about 10 years when he graduates college...wait, no...then we'll be eating ketchup sandwiches while we finish paying off parent loans to get him through college.

Mr.Lime: (picking up a pack of frozen fish to read)  China!  It's from China!  I knew it!

Me: (grabbing some flounder) Very good, Kreskin.  Where's the flounder from?

Mr. Lime: (waving the frozen fish in disgust) Chinese Tilapia!  It's ruining the American Catfish industry!

Me: (glancing at the back of another package) How do you feel about Ecuadorian Mahi Mahi? (I am ignored while he mumbles under his breath about Chinese fish.)

Mr. Lime:  (picking up the next object that interests him and puzzling at it)  I don't get it.

Me: (grabbing a bulk pack of cheese and looking over my shoulder) It's a pastry brush with rubber or silicone bristles or something like that.  Not natural bristles.

Mr. Lime: (raising eyebrows suggestively)  I don't really think it's a kitchen gadget.  I think it's a bedroom gadget.

Me: (looking at him like he's crazy) Uh, it's next to barbecue tongs, spatulas, and large knives.  What on earth would make you think it's a sex toy?

Mr. Lime: If I took this thing to school and left it in the faculty lounge every single guy in the place would think that's what it is.

Me: Then every single guy needs to spend some time in home ec. class.  I mean ok, it could be used for your purposes sure, but that wasn't the original design intent, I'm thinking.

Mr. Lime: (grabbing a two-piece hinged spatula) Oh look!  An itty bitty flipper....Oh wait, no, it's two pieces so it's a grabby flipper.

Me: (looking over the rim of my glasses)  You do realize we could have been done and at home already if you didn't need to touch and play with every shiny object, right?  I mean who are you?  You typically hate shopping more than I do.  A trip to the mall makes you break out in hives.

Mr. Lime: (trying to pick up a box with his grabby flipper)  Yeah, but the mall has herds of punks and people squirting you with stuff.

(Eventually we manage to finish the trip.  Mr. Lime helps me unload the heavy stuff onto the conveyor belt.  We pay and he pushes the cart out to the car where we pack the bags.)

Me: (reaching for things from the cart) Hand me a couple boxes, please.

Mr.Lime: (with an air of superiority) You forget I once did this professionally.  Fastest pack in the west.  All the old ladies on senior citizen day headed for my line.

Me: Ok, lay it on me, Mr. Packing Whiz.

(He finishes with a flourish and puts the bags in the car.)

Me: (on the drive home)  Thanks for your help with the cart and the bags.

Mr. Lime: (suddenly breathing a dejected sigh) Well, I figured I may as well be useful since I was being held hostage.



Craig said...

Stockholm Syndrome. . . It's a wonderful thing. . .

Actually, these days, for Jen and me, shopping together counts as a hot date. . .

Hilary said...

I so know his type... fun. Thanks for the laughs. :)

Anonymous said...

God I hate food shopping as much as cooking. Thankfully Mr. Jazz not only cooks, he shops.

I must have amassed tons of great karma in a previous life.


Rob said...

I foresee that on future shopping trips, YOU will be pushing the cart and Mr. Lime will be required to keep one hand on the cart at ALL times! Just a guess... :-)

Good thing you didn't make it down the Automotive aisle. Talk about AWESOME bedroom toys!

Never a dull moment at (or near) the House of Lime...

Craig said...

And I've seen that brush thingy with the rubber 'bristles'. Never thought of it as a sex toy, tho.

Hmmmmm. . .


S said...

LOL that is so funny!
He's worse than the kids.

Cricket said...

Heh, heh. Around here it's the reverse. It works out for the best. Since I cook, I shop, which makes the cooking easier in the end.

I make my lists by need, but then revise the draft according to the order I'm going to encounter the items in the store.

I'm a great one for realizing we need milk, checking some other staples, making a list, shopping, and returning home with everything but the milk I went out to buy in the first place, you see.

Even so, on the rare occasion I ask Mrs Cricket to pick something up, I'm guaranteed at least one phone call from the market. At least. Her "personal best" was three calls in one trip.

There were four items on the list, including such exotica as baked beans and canned peaches.


lime said...

craig, i gues now that i've opened your eyes to pastry brushes those shopping trips could become even hotter dates

hilary, they do keep it lively don't they?

jazz, oh you very lucky woman!

rob, yes, and if he behaves very well i will let him pick a treat at the end.

s, you have no idea...

cricket, are your wife and my husband in any way related? likewise i'm kind of an OCD list looney like you describe too. a little scary.

Dave said...

Ha ha. Yes, as an obedient husband who supermarket-shops with his wife every week I can understand your problem Michelle. I'm trained now to push the trolley and just keep following... :-) - Dave

Suldog said...

Eerily reminiscent of the one or two times a year when I take MY WIFE grocery shopping with me, except the genders are reversed. Hilarious.

Bijoux said...

My husband goes to the grocery store once a year at Xmas. He is like a kid in a candy store, amazed at every turn. Drives me insane.

Craig said...

You remind me of an old joke which, alas, I don't have time to post in its entirety. But the punch line (in Michigan form) is -

"They won't let us into Meijer's anymore, either. . ."

secret agent woman said...

I think you'd have been justified in smacking him with the grabby-flipper.

slommler said...

Oh yeah...he was useful alright!! Ha!!
Mine talks to everyone in line!! Sheesh!!
Good one!!
Congrats on your POTW award

Anonymous said...

It's sort of the opposite with Hubby and I when we shop. I would be the rubber flipper grabber and the mat bouncer person. Life's too short not to have a teeny bit of fun. ;-0

Great post and congrats on your POTW from our Miss Hilary at the Smitten Image. You both rock!


Sandra said...

What a fun read, and so relatable! Congrats on POTW. :)

MaggieGem said...

Great to post and had me laughing! Funny thing is last week I went to the local warehouse store for milk and cereal.... came home with a new TV, oops.

Congrats on POTW!

Out on the prairie said...

It is hard not to get a few extras sometimes.I save hundreds not having the big store like that nearby.Very nicely told.

Cricket said...

Just a quick revisit to congratulate you on your potw. I was hoping for "The Elephant..." myself ;-) but this one's good too.

Maggie said...

Congratulations on your potw....and thanks for the moments of reality. LOL

Gaston Studio said...

Congrats on your POTW! So well deserved; great laugh!

Kat said...

This is hilarious! I hate taking my hubby shopping with me. He is worse than the kids! It always takes twice as long and I end up spending twice as much. It is crazy!
Too funny. Glad I'm not the only one. :)