Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Wacky Resolutions

I gave up making real resolutions years ago.  Some call me a cynic.  I prefer realist.  Why set myself up for self-loathing with a bunch of promises I make to myself and break within days or weeks?  However, I'm always up for some fun so let's make some entertaining resolutions.  Here's how it will work. One person makes a resolution and the next person explains the ramifications in a twisted sort of way and makes his or her own resolution, which is in turn fouled up by the nest person and so on....  Like so...

Lime: I resolve to loose 20 lbs this year.

Susie: Congratulation on loosing 20 lbs.  Unfortunately, it was because of a heavy lice infestation and had to shave all the hair on your entire body.  I resolve to boost my textile business.

Logo: Congratulations on your booming business.  I hear you've cornered the market on Rick Perry campaign t-shirts.  I resolve to get up early every morning.

Suldog: Congratulations on becoming an early bird.  I hope you enjoy your daily morning bowl of meal worms for breakfast.  I resolve...


Got it?  Ok.  Go!

I resolve to exercise regularly.

22 comments:

Maddy said...

So sorry to hear you wore your legs out into stumps by over exercising, I plan to eat 24 mini croissantes tomorrow [although I shall have help.] I resolve to sow some corn in the Spring and launch myself into the bakery business with my own home-milled flour.

coopernicus said...

So sorry you lost the bakery to the employee who sued you for getting his hand crushed in the stone mill wheel. I resolve to learn to ride a motorcycle.

Jocelyn said...

Oh, Maddy. What a bummer all your hard-sown corn was bought up by corporate farms and turned into high fructose corn syrup infused into cans of Coke and M & Ms. In better news, your home-milled flour was recently snorted by Russell Brand as therapy for his divorce from Katy Perry.

For me, I resolve to develop a better attitude about the mandatory in-service "duty days" that are part of my teaching job.

(thought I'd toss a particularly difficult resolution out there...all apologies to the him/her who has to twist something already so twisted)

G-Man said...

Thanks Coopernicus...I think I will Ride My Hog hahahahaha!
And speaking of Hogs, My cholesterol is runnin a bit high, Maybe I should eat healthier,
I Resolve...

Beach Bum said...

For me, I resolve to develop a better attitude about the mandatory in-service "duty days" that are part of my teaching job.

It was tragic that your better attitude was broken, eviscerated, burned to ashes, and then irradiated because the school district saw fit to hire the now in hiding Kim Jong-il as a motivational expert who forces everyone to wear the same brown jumps suits he likes along with watching all the Rambo and Elizabeth Taylor films on the weekends.

Beach Bum said...

Oh yeah, I resolve to lose weight.

Bijoux said...

So sorry you lost all that weight after the latest wave of listeria hit all root vegetables in North America. Better stick with processed foods next year.

I resolve to travel to Europe this year.

Suldog said...

Unfortunately, all air travel and cruises have been halted due to terrorist alerts. The only way to get to Europe is via specially-trained scuba-outfitted donkeys. The crossing takes five years. And, by the time you get there, you look like a big prune, so you can't get a date.

I resolve to give more to charity.

haphazardlife said...

Too bad you gave to a bogus charity that gained access to all your assets and wiped you out, Suldog. You now have to live off the charity of others. That's not going well.

I resolve to get back into shape.

Craig said...

Hap - round is a shape. . .

I resolve, in a spirit of brotherhood, not to vomit at the mere mention of anything Wolverine. . . (uh. . . that would be Michigan Wolverines; not the delectable Hugh. . .) ;)

g-man said...

Go Blue!!!
The green eyed monster is a terrible thing to overcome!
Seek help ASAP!!!

Craig said...

See, now, I'm tryin' to do better, in a spirit of brotherhood, an' all that, an'. . .

(*hoo-boy*)

(*RETCH*)

(*easy, now*)

(OK, better. . .)


So, uh, no help from you then, G-Man?

;)

Logophile said...

Craig, your success at not retching occurs because movement of your digestive tract has ceased and you end up with an infected intestine, bloated bowels, and end up watching them win from a hospital bed.

I resolve not to smoke

Hilary said...

Congrats for giving up smoking. Unfortunately you still sizzled, crackled, burned and made a complete ash out of yourself. But no smoke.

I resolve to read more.

silly rabbit said...

Oh Hilary! I am so sorry that I did not reach you in time before all those romance novels burned out the last of your brain cells and you began searching for a man who would verbally berate you as he swept you into his arms then swore his undying love. He really is only a fantasy hon.
Meanwhile, I resolve to eat fewer sheep.

Craver Vii said...

Eat fewer sheep? Goodness gracious Silly Rabbit, how many sheep have you eaten? Congratulations. Now if we could only have the same thing for one Roxy the dog, who not only has an insatiable appetite for fresh sheep, but keeps leaving half-eaten sheep all over the house.

All I want is to keep my snack drawer at work stocked with Dove dark chocolates for sharing and Quaker instant oatmeal for not sharing.

lime said...

craver, thanks so much for sharing all your chocolate with me and saving all the prune and liver flavored oatmeal for yourself.

i resolve to keep the house cleaner.

Craig said...

Yes, but you shouldn't keep her tied up in the basement. . .

I resolve to keep away from aspartame. . .

Craig said...

(And thanks, Craver, for taking up the one about 'eating sheep'. No one would've appreciated if I posted what came to my mind on that one. . .)

WordVer = 'psypees'

(*sigh*)

Why does this stuff always happen to me?

VE said...

I resolve in water...oh wait...that's disolve...why do I always get that mixed up...

Craver Vii said...

VE, I wish comments had a "like" feature a la Facebook. That was funny.

Prune and liver oatmeal, Lime? I'm drooling; that's my favorite!!! Of course, it's served best when drizzled with fresh bat guano. Mmmmm...

Now, who will congratulate Craig?

Craig said...

I dunno, Lime. . . you say 'prune and liver' like it's a BAD thing. . . Guess I can never invite you for dinner at our house. . . ;)

And VE, if you resolve. . . uh, dissolve (dang it!) in water, I might stay away from the beach, if I were you. . .

And Craver. . . bat guano? That's just sick! (I'd say that's a pretty shitty thing to do to yer prune oatmeal, but I might lose my congratulations) (and wasn't Bat Guano the hero of one of those old TV westerns?)