Sunday, February 12, 2012

Act of a Desperate Mother

I believe I have mentioned that since Calypso and Diana are no longer at home I am swimming alone in a sea of testosterone.  This is frequently manifested in the TV being tuned to football or zombie shows.  Isaac attempts to reassure me  of his enduring affection by telling me he'd totally blast a zombie in the head with a shot-gun to save me or that I'd be welcome in his compound when the zombie plague hits.  Recognizing that different people express love in different ways I understand that in 16 year old boy-speak this is evidence that I am held in high esteem.  I have attempted to repay the kindness by joining him as he watches his new favorite show The Walking Dead.  As much as I adore my son I do NOT enjoy the show even a little.  I have tried.  It's grotesque and horrifying in its excessive depictions of the savagery of both the dead and undead. However, Isaac and Mr. Lime have been anticipating the season premier for months.  That would be tonight...at the same time as the Grammy Awards.

The fellows were out so I put on the Grammys.  When they returned Isaac curled up next to me and enjoyed some of the show but announced at 9pm he'd be watching the zombies.  About the time Rhianna came on stage to perform, he asked if I wanted to change the channel or should he go to the den. Wanting very much to continue to enjoy the presence of my son but NOT endure images of the lumbering, partially-dismembered undead I had to think fast.  As Rhianna pranced around in her slinky outfit I directed his attention to her taut abs revealed by the tight outfit, the curve of her firm backside, and the succulence of her bosom before suggesting he might find that a far more pleasing sight than the aforementioned zombies.

I suggested some of the tasty morsels on the Food Network since it's a channel he regularly enjoys.  I appealed to his seemingly unending hunger and said the gourmet delights (heck, even some of the awful things Andrew Zimmern ingests on Bizarre Foods) would be more enjoyable than rotting brains and innards.  My son was unswayed.

That's right, I sought to arouse lust in the glands of a teenage boy through the visual stimulation of a hot chick writhing on stage in tight clothes.  I hoped to stimulate a desire for food in a young man who sucks down a gallon of milk a day, who makes a batch of pancakes from scratch and eats the entire batch in one sitting...and I FAILED.

Kids today....lust and gluttony just aren't what they used to be.

19 comments:

Craig said...

Somewhere, in the reptilian corners in the back of my brain, I'm sorta wishing you were my mom. . .

;)

G-Man said...

The Walking Dead is Kick Ass!!
And he does love you!!

silly rabbit said...

After rearing three sons until very recently, I am very familiar with The Walking Dead... and admit to watching it with my youngest when he comes to town to visit. I too am on the "A list" for protection from the zombie apocalypse. IN fact, as I type, my youngest is writing his first novel... yes, about zombies!

Frankly I think the zombie apocalypse is already here... its in their heads.

Dave said...

Yep. You stand on their foot and their mouth opens - just like a baby bird or a rubbish can. All teenage boys are like that, especially 16 year olds. I know I was,,,, You will get used to it. Another couple of years and you will rareley see him... - Dave

Beach Bum said...

This off subject but "The Walking Dead" really needs to speed up the tempo of the stories, my wife watched "Downton Abbey" on PBS at the sametime and it is often more exciting.

But yeah, my son and I watch the zombies.

Moannie said...

Ah, Lime! I have been so out of the loop lately, well five fecking months actually and have been warmed by your presence in my comments box and now I realise what I've been missing. Your humour. And Isaac. You rock.

Bijoux said...

I suffered through the Walking Dead marathon yesterday, courtesy of my husband!!!! And even that couldn't pry my son away from his computer. Semi-naked, writhing women don't have a chance here, either!

haphazardlife said...

I'm with Isaac on this one. The Walking Dead rules!

Craig said...

And, uh. . .

". . . the succulence of her bosom. . ."???

Sheesh. . .

lime said...

craig, didn't you have enough moms? lol

gman, yes, i do realize it was love

silly rabbit, i could not agree more about the arrival of the zombies already

dave, that trash can imagery is perfect!

beach bum, i haven;t seen downtown abbey. may have to check that.

moannie, glad i could welcome you back with a chuckle. big hugs

bijoux, this is a disturbing turn of events

jazz, le sigh...

coopernicus said...

ahhh..but you failed to mention that Rhianna is a zombie..in every sense of the word...

last year's Westminster show was on in anticipation of this year's event which starts tonight...the grammy's and zombies didn't stand a chance.

lime said...

craig, i was pulling out all the stops

cooper, damn! you're right! but all the more reason he should have wanted to watch her....though she hasn't reached the dismemebered blood dripping stage

Suldog said...

You are a Mom for the ages. I can't wait to see you in-person again, if you make it to Boston in March.

Just Me said...

So sorry... It just makes you wonder where you went wrong, doesn't it?

Craver Vii said...

Playing the carnal card to avoid carnage? Wow, you sure were desperate, weren't you.

Hey, when he gives you that trite talk about "allowing" you in his compound, you should explain to him how much he'd NEED you. Then smack him upside the head. ...at least that's how I'd handle it with my kids. ;-)

lime said...

suldog, thanks and i look forward to seeing you and YOUR WIFE again too. wonder how much mayhem we can cause this time???

just me, i blame his father, lol

craver, i was truly desperate! you make an excellent point about him NEEDING me in the compound. i shall have to remember that for next week's episode.

Jocelyn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jocelyn said...

Wow, and she had significant side boob going on. Let's just pretend your boy is gay?

That WALKING DEAD is supposed to be such a good show...really. Can't watch it, though. I've realized recently I can't tolerate gore anymore.

Craig said...

I suppose more to the point is that Jen doesn't need another MIL. . .

;)