Sunday, October 07, 2012

I Have a Confession to Make

Last week I brought attention to Banned Books Week.  However, I must admit...I have been a book burner in the past.  It's a confession I made six years ago but in the interest of full disclosure I think it's important for my current readers to know the story.


As much as I love books and value intellectual freedom, there is one book so heinous, so dark, so atrocious in every way that I felt I had to burn it. It was the cause of such suffering and needless heartache I had no other recourse. Even though that dark chapter in my life was over so many years ago, I am remorseless enough about it that I'd do it again given the chance.

I read the book cover to cover. I did not come to my decision lightly or merely as a result of secondhand information. I did seek others to join me in casting copies of the book into the bonfire. I actively encouraged others to gather whatever copies of this horrendous volume they could find in order to offer them to the flames. You may be happy to know that I failed in my endeavor to gain partners in this destruction. I was undaunted in my determination to rid myself and others of this scourge of a book.

Alone in my fury, I prepared the altar upon which this wretched text should be offered. My hatred for the book grew as the flames lept higher. I cackled in maniacal pleasure as I fed the fire a leaf at a time. I was going to enjoy every second of this book burning. I slowly ripped each page from the book, dropped it into the blaze and watched in glee as the flames consumed it. I savored each moment until finally I had only the cover left. I stoked the fire and finally tossed in the cover. I felt a burden lift from my shoulders and sighed deeply in relief....




Never again would I suffer through my college statistics textbook!


18 comments:

Stephen Hayes said...

Love it! Love it! Love it!

Secret Agent Woman said...

When I finished my college stats course I happily ditched the book and practically did a dance of joy over the knowledge that I'd never take another stats course. Until I got to grad school and found out I had to take FOUR more stats courses!

Bijoux said...

I'm certain as a very poor college student, I sold mine back and probably got a whooping $2

Bijoux said...

Should have been whopping

Craig said...

Aw, now see, that's just malicious. . .

Sailor said...

LOL, but at least you haven't confessed to calling for the author to be chased down and chastised- you know, concentration camps, or torture- or, making them eat at McDonalds or something evil.

NoRegrets said...

Very well done! The title drew me in and the text kept me going...

Beach Bum said...

Hate to say it but there was a time I would have gladly burned the collected works of Henry James. Oh God I remember how bored I felt trying to muddle through "The Portrait of a Lady."

Even the Cliff notes were painful.

Daryl said...

snort ..

Uncle Skip, said...

Hah!

Kat said...

Heh heh. I understand. :)

G-Man said...

Farenheit 451 Baby!!

david mcmahon said...

G'day Lime. You realise you are in the majority - statistically speaking!!

Dave said...

Ha! I think I can understand that Michelle. Wasn't it the situation rather than the book though? - Dave

Cricket said...

One eye is crying tears of laughter. The other... well, let me just say that statistics is my special area of mathematical expertise.

An as geeky as this sounds, my dad and I can watch tv news and be reduced to tears laughing everytime statistics are cited, by almost any source: left, right, neutral, or advertisers, in the sure knowledge that most folks have no idea how many numbers were used that had absolutely no meaning.

7 out of 10 customers who switched to Allstate saved money?

What happened to the other 3?

Heh, heh. If you're ever in the mood, try How To Lie With Statistics by Darrell Huff.

Craver Vii said...

Books, books, books! Of the making of books there is no end.

I don't have a problem with torching one's personal copies of a book. What scares me is the eradication of libraries, civilizations, etc.

I once felt anguish over the decision to get rid of a Bible. It was in storage, where there had been a flood. Those boxes were moldy, and it's not like we don't have enough NIV's to go around any more. Ah well... sensible thinking and years of counseling prevailed, and I'm almost okay now.

coopernicus said...

i loved my psych stats course.....(sob, sob)

Other Mary said...

Hahaha - I'm totally against book burning: however, if there is one that deserves burning it would a college stats book!