Sunday, May 05, 2013

The Bad, the Ugly, the Good, and the Funny

Next step for me is to get into a surgeon's office to have my thyroid out.  Calling the one I was referred to I was told they could see me in...August....four months from now...after we've been dicking around for two months already.  I asked if they heard the word cancer at which point the charming woman on the other end of the call asked snidely how I knew I had cancer.  I let her know I was looking at the pathologist's report for my biopsy, I am actually literate, and just in case I couldn't read the ordering physician had explained it all to me.  She grudgingly suggested the doctor fax over my records and maybe they could squeeze me in sooner.  Seriously?  Don't do me any favors.  Really, don't put yourself out.  So I called another office and they wouldn't even answer the phone.  Next up in ideas for Slice of Lime posts I get literal and perform my own thyroidectomy in the kitchen with my steak knives and a bottle of rubbing alcohol....

In other news in the "I can't make this shit up" category, Mr. Lime very lovingly and supportively sent me a beautiful basket of flowers at school the day after my diagnosis.  They were gorgeous and so appreciated.  Since my library is ridiculously small and my desk is student-sized without even enough room to put an extra book on it let alone a large basket full of flowers I asked the secretaries in the office if they'd like to enjoy the flowers for the day and I'd pick them up before I went home.  They were delighted. 

I was wiped out at the end of the day so I just put the flowers in my car without looking too closely at them.  After I got home and went to add water to it I noticed the arrangement was missing 4 roses, 3 carnations, 2 tulips, a skinny iris looking flower, and a significant chunk of filler bits.  That's a LOT of flowers, folks.  The only thing they didn't take any of were the daisies.  What? Too common? Forgive me but my first thought was, "Who the fuck steals someone's 'sorry you got cancer' flowers?!"  Does this lowlife troll funeral homes waiting for mourners to dab their eyes so he or she can make off with lilies and gladiolus?  All I can say is karma's a bitch, baby.  I wish I felt more charitable but I don't. 

Ok, rant over.  Onto the good stuff.

I've been really touched by the kindness and support I have received already from so many people.  I'm humbled by it.  Emails, phone calls, posts full of punchlines to make me laugh, gag gifts and books, prayers and good thoughts offered, and well-wishes from someone I figured would be happier If I didn't even exist.  Some of it has left me speechless it has touched me so much, ALL of it has encouraged me greatly.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

And now, I will end with something I hope makes you laugh they way it did me.

As a preface, you need to know my children now roll their eyes almost audibly when I make some ridiculous request....because I have cancer.  Calypso was describing her love of Jane Austen.  She mentioned the opening line of Pride and Prejudice never fails to make her laugh.  I had to confess I'd never read it.  She went on to extol the virtues of this work against others in Ms. Austen's oeuvre.  I had to confess I'd never read any of it.  I'll pause a moment while some of you gasp in utter horror.........................................and we're back....feel better now?  As I waited for Calypso to regain the powers of speech I admitted I realized I now risked being disowned by her.  She recovered, sputtered, "Well yeah, you do!"  Then she smiled wryly and added, "But I won't.....because you have cancer."

Well played, kiddo!

23 comments:

Leave It To Davis said...

Please don't use the kitchen knives to perform surgery on yourself. Get your husband to do it for you. (was that funny enough?)

If you find out who stole your assorted flowers, please let us know so we can infect their computers with viruses. pronto.

I think that you and Calypso need to go have a pedicure and go to a concert somewhere and scream and yell for the band....because you have cancer.

And then, please find some hospital that has time to see you and get you in quickly...but go to the concert first...don't know what kind of music you like...my daughter and I went to see Bon Jovi last month and they were awesome...and we screamed and yelled and danced and had so much fun....I'd be willing to bet it would make you temporarily forget about the C word. temporarily.

I lost my dad to cancer 5 years ago today. He had lung cancer that had metastasized. I miss him everyday. He always knew how to make me laugh...and look on the bright side of things.

Hugs.

Beach Bum said...

Stealing flowers is beyond the pale, although I have been known to crash any function that has free food, and yes that means a funeral.

As far as Jane Austen and her literary compatriots are concerned, after sliding through high school lit on Cliff notes I have been trying to catch up on the classics.

Bijoux said...

I don't know what is more shocking, that someone who you could confront would steal your flowers, or that you've never read P&P!

Sailor said...

Based the "school secretaries" that I remember from when I was *IN* school, (or my memory of them), I would immediately assume that the flowers were eaten for lunch.

Now, as an adult, I don't think they ate them- but still a pretty lowlife thing to do.

Daryl said...

brava Calypso ...

and seriously i would love to meet the charming people in the school's office ... i have several choice words i would share ....

i cannot believe you are encountering so many assholes in your healthcare network ... i do believe a letter to whoever is the top dog at the healthcare provider ..no it wont change anything but it would make me feel better .. and it is all about me ;)

Craver Vii said...

I don't believe in karma, so tell me who these flower thieves are, and I'll send my cousins out to work them over. On the other hand, maybe these pretties were absconded for their trade-in value. Let's see, what can you get for 4 roses, 3 carnations, 2 tulips, a skinny iris looking flower, and a significant chunk of filler bits? Oh, I know... an extra large can of @$$-whooping!!

Hilary said...

Clever Calypso! (I've never read it either). ;)

Someone in your school office stole from your flowers? Seriously? That is just beyond believable.

haphazardlife said...

They stole your flowers? Asshats!

(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip, said...

The best revenge is gained from praying that those who've sinned against us get everything they ever wanted and more.

I don't wish cancer on anyone.

I don't understand why it's necessary for you to have to find your own surgeon.
Our docs here may not talk to each other much, but they at least handle referrals so the patient doesn't have to go begging.

Anyhow, there are prayers coming your way from here.

Stephen Hayes said...

Sorry about your flowers. Some people are just scum to do something like that.

Is it your thyroid that's the issue or is it your parathyroid?

Jocelyn said...

If cancer offers a slap that says "Life is short," and Austen offers a slap that says, "You must read my books," then take note of that convergence and get to reading already.

I'm insane for Austen. And you. Converge!

Suldog said...

Give me the school address and I'll send those fucks a bouquet of poison oak, ivy, and sumac.

lime said...

thanks everyone! just to be clear, i don't believe it was one of the secretaries who took the flowers. our school is an inner city school. i think it was some lowlife, scumbag of a parent who came in and swiped my blooms.

snowelf said...

I am just shaking my head at the flowers... sigh... some things in this world make no sense.

Do you need anything? Let me know if I can help. You know where to find me. :)

Looking forward to the post where we can make a list of things to do because you DON'T have cancer. :)

love,
--snow

Secret Agent Woman said...

Well, that's just lousy. WHo steals someone else's flowers? Jeez.

But I've never read any Austen either. Sue me.

~Tim said...

I've never read P&P either, but I do have a copy of it on my Kindle so, you know, I could. And I have seen every episode of the Lizzie Bennet Diaries on YouTube. [oops, did I just say that out loud?]

Muhammad Khalid said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
(M)ary said...

Oh shit! I just read this. I am so so sorry. I am sending you good good thoughts.

G-Man said...

Trini....?
Maybe the florist can't count!

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Kat said...

Seriously! Who the frig steals someone's cancer flowers? Wth is wrong with people. That is just CRAZY.
You should leave a bill for the flowers on the same desk you had the flowers sitting on. Bunch of turds.

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