The Bad, the Ugly, the Good, and the Funny

Next step for me is to get into a surgeon's office to have my thyroid out.  Calling the one I was referred to I was told they could see me in...August....four months from now...after we've been dicking around for two months already.  I asked if they heard the word cancer at which point the charming woman on the other end of the call asked snidely how I knew I had cancer.  I let her know I was looking at the pathologist's report for my biopsy, I am actually literate, and just in case I couldn't read the ordering physician had explained it all to me.  She grudgingly suggested the doctor fax over my records and maybe they could squeeze me in sooner.  Seriously?  Don't do me any favors.  Really, don't put yourself out.  So I called another office and they wouldn't even answer the phone.  Next up in ideas for Slice of Lime posts I get literal and perform my own thyroidectomy in the kitchen with my steak knives and a bottle of rubbing alcohol....

In other news in the "I can't make this shit up" category, Mr. Lime very lovingly and supportively sent me a beautiful basket of flowers at school the day after my diagnosis.  They were gorgeous and so appreciated.  Since my library is ridiculously small and my desk is student-sized without even enough room to put an extra book on it let alone a large basket full of flowers I asked the secretaries in the office if they'd like to enjoy the flowers for the day and I'd pick them up before I went home.  They were delighted. 

I was wiped out at the end of the day so I just put the flowers in my car without looking too closely at them.  After I got home and went to add water to it I noticed the arrangement was missing 4 roses, 3 carnations, 2 tulips, a skinny iris looking flower, and a significant chunk of filler bits.  That's a LOT of flowers, folks.  The only thing they didn't take any of were the daisies.  What? Too common? Forgive me but my first thought was, "Who the fuck steals someone's 'sorry you got cancer' flowers?!"  Does this lowlife troll funeral homes waiting for mourners to dab their eyes so he or she can make off with lilies and gladiolus?  All I can say is karma's a bitch, baby.  I wish I felt more charitable but I don't. 

Ok, rant over.  Onto the good stuff.

I've been really touched by the kindness and support I have received already from so many people.  I'm humbled by it.  Emails, phone calls, posts full of punchlines to make me laugh, gag gifts and books, prayers and good thoughts offered, and well-wishes from someone I figured would be happier If I didn't even exist.  Some of it has left me speechless it has touched me so much, ALL of it has encouraged me greatly.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

And now, I will end with something I hope makes you laugh they way it did me.

As a preface, you need to know my children now roll their eyes almost audibly when I make some ridiculous request....because I have cancer.  Calypso was describing her love of Jane Austen.  She mentioned the opening line of Pride and Prejudice never fails to make her laugh.  I had to confess I'd never read it.  She went on to extol the virtues of this work against others in Ms. Austen's oeuvre.  I had to confess I'd never read any of it.  I'll pause a moment while some of you gasp in utter horror.........................................and we're back....feel better now?  As I waited for Calypso to regain the powers of speech I admitted I realized I now risked being disowned by her.  She recovered, sputtered, "Well yeah, you do!"  Then she smiled wryly and added, "But I won't.....because you have cancer."

Well played, kiddo!

May Day!

The day started with lovely sunshine and warm weather.  I was at school helping a class of second graders check out books when my phone vibrated in my pocket.  I had called my endocrinologist before classes hoping to get the results of my biopsy. She was calling me back.  I had to play phone tag and returned her call once the class and the substitute teacher filling in for a particularly inept coworker were both gone.

Over the last two months I have gone through many tests and procedures.  I've changed family doctors due to inexcusably poor communication and totally inaccurate information being given.  I've been on medication to deal with symptoms of the whacked out thyroid so I can function in daily life and they have helped greatly.  I have, however, noted changes in my body over this course of time.  I have found reputable sources of information and read up on my situation.  I have read reports of my own tests before doctors have been bothered to communicate with me.  In spite of the odds being in my favor and although I do not tend to consider myself a worrier I came to suspect what the results of the biopsy would be.  Nonetheless, nothing really prepares you to hear the words "confirmed malignancy."   Upon hearing them I called Mr. Lime at work and decided to go home.  One the way I had a bit of a cry.  I am deeply grateful to the friends who let me rant and cry as I made my way home and waited for Mr. Lime to arrive.

He let me rant a bit more, made me some lunch, and we sat down to watch "What About Bob?" together because I needed a laugh.  After the movie we went to the doctor to get the details.  The good news is I am told I have the most treatable form of thyroid cancer and the form which has the best long-term outlook.  For that I am very grateful.  Next step is surgery and if I understand correctly, that's when I will find out how much this thing has or has not progressed.

Because I need to maintain a sense of humor in order to not go nuts and because laughter is the best medicine (and eating an apple a day has not kept the doctor away) I decided to milk this thing for the day and get a few things done I haven't been able to do thus far. 

I needed an extra gooey hot fudge and peanut butter sundae....because I have cancer.

I need my son to pick up his shoes.....because I have cancer.

I need my daughter to clean her room....because I have cancer.

I'm going back to work tomorrow and tell the incompetent coworker he needs to get off his lazy ass and do his own damn job.....because I have cancer.

I need some new pants because mine are falling off me....because I have cancer.

I need a new bookshelf to hold my to-read pile of books...because I have cancer.

I need the holes in the basement wall to be repaired...because I have cancer.

I need the grocery store to run a special sale just for my order....because I have cancer.

I need the electric company to waive this month's bill....because I have cancer.

I need May to be full of perfect weather....because I have cancer.

I need Hugh Jackson to go ziplining with me...because I have cancer.

Ok, your turn.  Suggest some ridiculous or outrageous demands I ought to make.  I need to laugh....because I have cancer.