What a Difference a Year Makes

No, I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth of even a zipline.  It's been a wild ride the last couple of weeks closing up two libraries and having a yoga teacher training weekend.

Today, however, is noteworthy.  A year ago today I was having a cancer riddled thyroid removed from my body after several months of medical testing and arguing with incompetent doctors before finding some excellent ones.  All this began shortly after I started my then new job as a Library Paraprofessional.  It was a job in which I was unclear about what latitude I did or didn't have.  I was afraid to overstep my boundaries.  I was also trying to keep my head above water. I spent the two weeks before surgery on medical leave from my job so I didn't have to sit in a moldy basement at one school while I was trying to prepare mentally and physically for surgery. Those two weeks were spent at home in the embrace of my family and attending as many yoga classes as I could handle, roughly ten classes in two weeks, in order to keep myself calm.

It worked.  I went into surgery physically strong and mentally calm.  I didn't panic until about five or ten minutes before they came for me to give me the pre-surgical sedative.  The sedative took care of the panic.  As soon as I was awake in recovery I began doing deep yogic breathing to begin helping my body get rid of the anesthesia since I knew the respiratory therapists would be telling me to do that anyway.  Apparently, what I considered mindful breathing in a still groggy state, looked labored to the recovery nurses.  They asked if I was having trouble.  When I told them what I was doing they commended me.  Later when I used my foot to pull the bedside table nearer so I could help myself to ice chips they scolded me with the warning that too much too quickly would make me vomit.

The last two weeks of this school year were spent exercising the full latitude of my authority in the library.  In one I was well caught up with the mundane aspects of shelving and repairs and record keeping.  I rewarded myself by reading to the classes with the best library usage of the year in between processing new books.  It's something I enjoy doing a great deal but it's not part of the scope of my job description or even something I ever have time for anyway.  It was a lot of fun to hold the kids' attention and even that of the teachers who opted to take some time away from pressing duties.  Even their faces expressed rapt attention and each of them expressed surprise at how I engrossed their students.  Yes, I can do more than just shelve books.

In my other school it was a flurry of activity trying to catch up with things left undone all year.  I had new books to finish processing and repairs of old books. I also did a major weeding (nearly 500) of the picture books, deleting them from the catalog and removing identifying tags and marks. Then I shifted all those which remained to make room for new subsections for holiday books and books for beginning readers so it's easier for those kids to find something they are able to read independently.  That also meant updating the catalog as to a new subsection and the books located therein.  Oh, yeah, and I inventoried nearly 11,000 books.  Nothing like setting the bar ridiculously high but I really wanted to properly whip this library into shape because it's been so neglected for so long, like years before I arrived kind of neglect.  Thanks to Calypso who came into work for one day and my dear friend and fellow Para, Big Mama, I was able to accomplish almost everything.  I left the repairs for next year and I have to make new shelf labels after having shifted roughly 5000 books.  Otherwise, I finished it all and accounted for all but about 30 books in inventory.  I could not have done so without Calypso and Big Mama, who even dragged a substitute teacher in to help one day as well.  Big Mama is a compelling person.

In looking back over the last year, there's been a lot of change.  A cancer has been excised from me literally.  I think in some ways one has been removed figuratively, though treatment for that is ongoing.  Although one could argue I am a risk taker as evidenced by incidents involving ziplines, I never was in the work world.  This year I have grown in confidence about what I have to offer and I have struck out in an unusual new direction of signing up for teacher training in yoga.  I've also decided to actively look for new employment elsewhere this summer, which is part of why I worked so hard at one library.  I want to turn it over in the best possible shape.  A year or two ago I doubted my professional skills and I NEVER would have considered I could possibly teach anything that could be remotely considered athletic.  I've asked for references from people I respect and they have responded with great encouragement.  I have had two trainings in the yoga program and I have received wonderful feedback for my participation there as well.  Oh, and I even was bold enough to actually SELL some of my tie dye creations instead of giving them away.

It's been quite a year, one with lots of growth...the kind indicative of life rather than the kind leading to death.

2013 Surprise 2014

2013 was just full of surprises.

It began with a new job and I have been regularly surprised by what I encounter therein, both in wonderful and horrible ways.  I try to hold on to the wonderful and let the horrible slip away, though I have considered writing a book about the experience of running two libraries alone in an urban setting.  Don't hold your breath but you never know, I could surprise you...and myself.

It progressed with weight loss I initially thought was proof that diet and exercise were finally paying off.  Surprise, it's not good health...it was bad health!  Surprise again, it's cancer!  Triple surprise, it's such a rare cluster of issues I'm giving my doctors fame and fortune!  I'm just exceptionally grateful the surgery and treatment contained no terrible surprises beyond the gastrointestinal effects of ingesting radioactive materials.  I'm also deeply grateful for the surprise of where some of my most faithful support came from during the scariest and weakest days.

Throughout the year I had frequent surprises in my new yoga practice.  I started looking for physical benefits.  I never expected mental and emotional benefits and lessons that would apply to the trials I was enduring.  I was surprised to find I progressed further and more quickly than I expected, that I was stronger than I thought I was.  I was surprised by how I could walk into class tense and anxious and walk out peaceful.  I was stunned utterly to find it could help me learn how to forgive others and myself.  And then I was surprised by how quickly it all goes away when I don't keep at it.

The end of the year brought the surprise of all three of the Limelets living at home once again.  Mr. Lime and I thought this year it would just be us and Isaac.  Surprise!  the nest is getting fuller rather than emptying out.  However, this brought with it some other surprises in seeing up close how much some have matured...as well as witnessing their surprise at how old rivalries can rear their ugly heads in spite of growth.

It also brought an opportunity for Mr. Lime to meet a long-time blogger buddy and his wife.  His willingness to do so was a huge surprise to me.  He was fine with me having my freak-in-the-box friends but was also quite happy to keep his own distance.  This face-to-face was not only an introduction but an overnight visit to a stranger's house for Mr. Lime.  Was he surprised by the normalcy of this couple?  Perhaps.  I was delighted and a good time was had by all.  I believe his openness to the experience was paved by the kindness so many of you showed to us the year Calypso was so seriously ill and further enhanced by knowing how so many of you supported me emotionally through the scary surprises of this year.  Again, the good is linked to the bad and would not have been revealed in any other way.

Finally, it brought a resurgence of serious back pain and allergies such as I have not suffered in 30 or more years.  I have to admit, I've had a piss-poor reaction to all of this.  It was more or less, "Dammit!  I had cancer and dealt with that.  Don't I get a pass on this shit fer crying out loud???!!"  This is the surprise I probably handled the most poorly.

Ready to paint, the library...not the spouse.

Mr. Lime gave me the truly lovely surprise of a Little Free Library he built from all reclaimed materials to celebrate our 25th anniversary.  I admit it, I cried a little.  I love that he made a dream come true for under $5.  Then he took us away for a weekend of indulgence at a very nice establishment.  Surprise, no running water and worse than that, hotel staff who seemed to think we had no cause for complaint about a lack of water when we'd paid several hundred dollars for a single night's accommodation.

I have to admit I was ready to big farewell to 2013.  Part of me wanted to hasten it on its way for all the trouble it brought me.  But I was surprised when I considered how much growth and blessing came along with those trials.  I would not have experienced the good without enduring the  bad.  They were inextricably linked.

Still I was anxious to get 2014 started well.  Weather surprises and back pain had conspired to keep me from yoga class for weeks.  I was able to get to an intro class on Monday and planned to start New Year's morning with another class.  New Year's Eve night I fell asleep before midnight, set my alarm for early, and slept without pain for the first time in weeks.  That was a delightful surprise.

The alarm sounded painfully early and I was tempted to bag off class for the joy of pain free rest.  No no, go with health.  Get thee to yoga.  I rose before anyone else in the house, ate, dressed, and went out to find I was parked in.  Surprise!  Ok, I can move Mr. Lime's truck.  I did so then got in my own car, turned the key and was greeted with the surprise of an unsatisfying click rather than the purr of an engine.

I was utterly deflated.  I was disgusted because it was due to my own fault in forgetting to shut off the headlights.  I was livid at my plans being thwarted.  I proceeded to start my New Year with a temper tantrum, albeit a quiet one so as to not wake others.  I may be a toddler but I can be a considerate toddler.  I cleaned the kitchen in a quiet furry then sat down to have a great pout.  If you want to set your tone for the year in a fabulous way a tantrum followed by a pout is the preferred method.  By that time I was fed up with my own stupidity.

Mr. Lime woke up and inquired as to the perplexing state of my dress, the kitchen, and the garage as it all surprised him.  I explained and he graciously jumped my car and I was able to get to the second yoga class of the morning.  It was a class I wanted to avoid because typically it is at a harder pace than I can usually manage and given that I am still healing from the back issues I thought it would be a bad idea.  I did note the theme was going to be "Taming the Ego."  I groaned inwardly thinking it meant it would be more physically demanding than usual but determined that I would start taming my own ego by not worrying whether I could keep up or not and just doing what felt right for my own body.

I arrived late and was invited to the very front of the class.  I declined that offer and set up way in the back.  We were exhorted to welcome all the 2014 had in store for us, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Being as slow to learn and as stubborn as I am I thought, "Hell no!  I've had enough bad and ugly.  Only the good is welcome in 2014!"  Class progressed and surprise, surprise it was not at the normal heart thumping pace.  It was designed to be slower and more meditative though still challenging physically, to be sure.

In long-held strength poses we were encouraged to welcome the pain with the thought that we are still standing, it's not killing us.  I thought back to 2013's pain and ugly and how it had not killed me though it literally could have.  Perhaps I could consider welcoming whatever the coming year had in store for me without knowing what that was.

Near the end of class the playlist included Don't Fear the Reaper.  I laughed.  I was ready.  I claimed this song and made it mine when I was going through cancer treatment.  It came on the radio during one of the long drives to the hospital.  At first I thought it was a ghastly harbinger.  I decided it wasn't.  It meant I had a choice as to whether I embraced fear or fullness of life.  And, surprise,  in this class, the one I wanted to avoid, I was finding the peace and health I needed in the time I needed it.

Yep, I can be the slowest to learn, the most stubborn student.  As much as I want to tell 2014 it's only welcome to bless me I think I am beginning to learn it will brings whatever it brings.  It's up to me to make or find the blessings.  Bring it on.

Field Trip to Philly

Last week I had my last visit to the hospital for three months.  It was just time for a scan to make sure my radioactive self was getting back to normal.  Mr. Lime, Isaac, and I decided to make a day of it since the appointment was early in the morning and we had the rest of the day.  I took Boom-boom along.

Our first stop was at Reading Terminal Market for a bite to eat.  This place makes me all sorts of happy.  Where else will you find Amish families selling baked goods, preserves, and fresh meats across an aisle from a sushi chef?  There's obviously an abundance of Pennsylvania German foods but there's a wide variety of other ethnic cuisines available as well.  Organic produce, quality breads, and be still my heart, CHEESES!  There were multiple cheese stands but Mr. Lime and I fell in with the artisanal crew who let us sample several cheeses.  After weeks of no dairy I splurged on some very expensive and very delicious cheese as a way to celebrate the end of my treatment.  Excuse me a moment while I savor the memory.....mmmmmm....


My other way to celebrate was to go to the Mütter Museum in order to see a multitude of medical oddities.  During the course of my treatment it was discovered that my thyroid was quite unusual....like one of four in the last century unusual...so I thought going to see other medical weirdness would be an appropriately warped way to celebrate the end of treatment.  It's not set up as some sort of side show exploiting folks with afflictions but was established as a manner of augmenting and furthering the education of physicians.  I also thought Isaac, whose favorite subject is anatomy and physiology, could be lured to a family outing if he got to see jars of gangrenous limbs and preserved body parts.  We also beheld such wonders as an enlarged human colon which looked like it couldn't possibly fit in a creature smaller than an elephant, an ovarian cyst the size of two soccer balls, a 7'6" skeleton, and a vast collection of skulls.  There was also an interesting exhibit drawing correlations between possible origins of folk tales as related in Grimm's Fairy Tales and human deformities.  I quite enjoyed that part. The museum does not permit photography.  Those of you with more sensitive constitutions may thank me now.  Those of you interested should definitely make it a stop if you ever get to Philadelphia.



After the museum we still had time to wander because we had paid an exorbitant parking fee and I intended to get some degree of its value out of it.  We walked around the city with Boom-boom, much to Isaac's chagrin.  He hates when I have my camera because I make too many stops.  Mr. Lime has learned to accept it.  In fact, we noticed this reflection of one building in the surface of another at the same time and he wanted to make sure I didn't miss it.

 We made it to City Hall after several blocks of wandering.  I had to visit Billy Penn.  I wanted to take a picture of one of us shaking a fist here so I could say we CAN fight city hall but no volunteers were forth-coming.















Across from City Hall is a sculpture park with this work "Government of the People" by Jacques Lipchitz.  It's a messy business, not unlike the sausage-making in the market, eh?

Nearby is Love Park with the famous logo.

Across the way the road leads to the Art Museum, one of my favorite places.

Eventually we headed home passing the Pennsylvania Railroad.  Monopoly anyone?

Finally, one of the other things I adore about Philadelphia is the proximity of old to new.  I'd never want to see the beautiful old architecture completely demolished and removed but time does march on and new things come along.

As my life moves on from here I want to remember to keep the best parts of my old self and ways as I move on in what I am considering a new start with new chances and as I try to make the most of that.

It's the End of the World as I Know It...

....and the beginning of a new one as I start my new job on Friday 12/21/12.  In the evening I intend to give nod to the Mayans by celebrating my first day with a bit of chocolate.  Of course, since it's the solstice there may also be a bonfire and wild dancing.

Good thing with all this apocalyptic madness and the celebrating to go on that I have until after the new year to recover and go back to work for my second day.  Yeah, that still cracks me up but I ain't complaining....I feel fine.

2011- Year of the Roller Coaster

*image from favim.com

Please buckle the safety belt and pull the bar down firmly to your lap until it clicks.  Keep all appendages inside the car for the duration of the ride and secure any loose personal belongings.

It should come as no surprise to you that I enjoy roller coasters...at amusement parks...as a lifestyle, not so much. This past year and a significant portion of the previous year were complete roller coasters.  At times it seemed like a combo pack of roller coaster and spinning teacups (which I loathe entirely, they make me feel like vomiting)

The year opened with chronic mystery illness and a new scary health event  Oh yeah, baby!  Throw those hands up and scream your head off as the coaster car hits the first drop hard!  Heading into the curves we have outrageous arguments with car AND health insurance companies playing the "Not my problem" game.  We have a series of twists, loops, hills, and drops the entire school year never knowing what to expect with Calypso.  Throw in a few more big hills with perilous drops with each specialist we see and one who turns out to be just plain evil. When you think you're about to pull into the straightaway at the end we're going to surprise you with one more upside down loop by threatening graduation.  Just to keep the view interesting all along the way let's add one person loosing a Driver's license, another dropping out of college, hitting a deer, a car crapping out permanently, and just so the year could get its last dig in...a death in the family this week.

Lord have mercy, I want off this ride! Enough! Really!  Just let me go sit on a park bench with my head between my knees for a few minutes.

I stagger to the bench and assume the position.  Moaning, I am sure I'm going to toss my cookies just when I am nudged by someone sitting next to me who offers a bit of refreshment.  If this past year was one of seemingly unrelenting trials it's also one when I was given so much encouragement, love, and support from people and places I never expected.  If the trials were the heart-stopping drops and nauseating twists of the roller coaster, friends were the exhilarating high points or the soothing straightaways.  From one friend who is a licensed counselor and came to teach some anxiety managing techniques to us all, to all the friends who helped Mr. Lime get where he needed to be for six months of not having a driver's license, to those of you who kept in contact and provided encouragement and laughs through dark days, to Susie and those who responded to her request on my daughter's behalf, I do not know how I would have survived without the kindness and love of faithful friends.

Then there were the joyous times spent with friends in contexts not related to crisis at all.  Getting to meet Susie and Logo in Seattle was such a wonderful trip.  The provision of a free airline ticket, Mr. Lime's idea that I go, having vacation days left to have enough time, all of it worked together to make for a fantastically memorable time I never would have thought possible just one year ago.

And now I am coming off the time spent with my Trini family.  Far too many years passed without us being able to see each other but what pure joy it was to spend the holidays together and make memories that will last a lifetime. I have hope that much less time will pass before we can be reunited again.

Of course there are also the blessings within the family.  Seeing Calypso well again is high on the list, not just well enough to get through a regular day but strong enough to get through days involving heavy labor on a daily basis.  She's also come out more confident in her abilities to endure and the provision of God as well as more sensitive to folks around her who are suffering in various ways.  Though she had the exquisite pain of friends who left her in her darkest hour she also has the joy of knowing the ones who endured are as true as they come.  Mr. Lime has clean bills of health and seems to be well.  He has a new openness to my online friendships for which I am grateful.  Isaac has grown (Boy howdy, has he grown!  He hit 6'2" before his 16th birthday!) in ways I did not expect and has begun taking some initiative or at least helping out more willingly now that he's the only Limelet left at home.  Diana is learning some hard lessons from some of her own decisions but seems to be handling them.

I have to admit, most of those good things would not have been as evident or occurred at all if the trials hadn't come so the roller coaster had its purpose.  I can be thankful for that and I am, truly.


Nonetheless, my adrenals are a bit taxed and I would not mind at all if 2012 were the year of the carousel.  Just let me ride along and enjoy the sights to rest a bit and I'll grab for the brass ring when it comes around.

 *image from here

First Days

Many moons ago it was time for Diana's first day of kindergarten. I walked her to the school with her sister and brother. I was not given to tears when Diana climbed the steps of the school to disappear inside. I had been looking forward to giving Calypso more one on one time since her sister would be in school during the afternoon while her brother would be taking a nap.

As soon as the school doors swallowed her sister Calypso became weepy. She trudged home dejectedly. I put Isaac down for his nap and returned to Calypso who was still looking more than a bit glum. I tried to perk her up by pointing out how we could have special time when she didn't have to share me with her siblings. I asked if she wanted to play games, read stories, draw pictures, get out dolls. Every suggestion was met with an utter lack of enthusiasm. Finally I asked if she had some other suggestion. She wailed miserably, "I miss my sister! I just want to watch TV and cry!" It was not exactly the afternoon of bonding I had envisioned.

A couple of weeks later she demonstrated the realization of the new potentials in her sister's daily absence. She tiptoed to me one afternoon and asked me to lean down to her as she looked over her shoulder to make sure there were no spies listening in (even though her brother was sound asleep and her sister was in school). She whispered, "I'd like to go play with all the toys Diana never shares. Is that ok?" I smiled as I whispered back, "Great idea. Have fun!" She skipped off very happily before bringing a few toys to share with me.

Until that point Calypso had been a very shy little girl. During the two years her sister went off to school before her she began to bloom into a more confident and outgoing kid. As much as she idolized her sister it was nice to see her have the chance to become her own person.

Flash forward to last week when we dropped Diana off at college. Again, I was not given to tears at the time (though I will admit to a lump in my throat two nights later when I set the dinner table with one less place). Calypso, however, began to well up as soon as the last unpacked item was put away. The tears flowed freely when she hugged her sister goodbye. She wept almost all the way home in the car and wailed once inside the house. She spent the next day curled up in Diana's bed, crying still. At one point after affirming her right to have any feelings she wanted, I also encouraged a bit of perspective by reminding her Diana was only at school, not dead.

The last couple of years in school for Calypso have been a bit trying. Part of that is related to her own personality and choices. I believe part of it is also due to living in her older sister's shadow. This year Calypso is in a new school where no one has ever known Diana. I'm hoping it gives her another opportunity to grow and develop a bit more of herself in the light and soil of new opportunities...even if it started out being watered by tears.

Slice of Lime-Janita and Bella

This is my guitar, Bella. I inherited her from my grandfather. There are a lot of good memories of him playing her to me when I was little. I always wanted to play but when the kids were small I never had time or money to really devote to lessons and learning. I took this picture after I had been taking lessons for about a year and a half and just shortly before I demolished my arm. That put a fairly abrupt halt to whatever tunes I was putting out.




It took a lot of months before I could even try to curl my hand around the neck. It didn't work very well at all. In fact, it was intensely painful after about 2 minutes and my hand went completely numb. Every 2 or 3 months I'd take her out of her case, get as far as tuning her, and try a few chords only to feel like there was a knife sticking right into the part of my wrist where the bones had once protruded...and then the numbness. Poor Bella would be returned to her case once more. If Andy is reading this I know he's going to be about ready to burst a vein in his head because he has sent me all sorts of ideas from trying open tuning to playing her like a slide guitar. He's been a great encouragement that way. I can't really explain why I continue to torment Bella and Janita the way I do. I have to admit, it defies logic.



A few weeks ago I tried again. I made it through about 15 minutes before the stabbing and the numbness started. I was pretty excited about that. I haven't been at all consistent about working with Bella but we've gotten together several times in the past few weeks. My form is terrible, the sound is not pretty, but Janita is tolerating it enough to try. Of course, after 3 years of no playing I have forgotten almost everything but it's a start. I had to relearn everything else from scratch too. And so Bella, Janita, and I slowly begin again...

Welcome Wee One

My best friend's sweet pea made her entrance on Tuesday. Welcome to the world, little lovely.