Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose

I believe I may have mentioned my enjoyment of The Writer's Almanac and the daily poem I get in my email. Sometimes I'm less than impressed with the selection. Sometimes it sings to me. Today's gem rang so true I had to share.

Change

by Louis Jenkins

All those things that have gone from your life,
moon boots, TV trays and the Soviet Union, that
seem to have vanished, are really only changed.
Dinosaurs did not disappear from the earth but
evolved into birds and crock pots became bread
makers and then the bread makers all went to
rummage sales along with the exercise bikes.
Everything changes. It seems at times (only for
a moment) that your wife, the woman you love,
might actually be your first wife in another form.
It's a thought not to be pursued….Nothing is the
same as it used to be. Except you, of course,
you haven't changed…well, slowed down a bit,
perhaps. It's more difficult nowadays to deal with
the speed of change, disturbing to suddenly find
yourself brushing your teeth with what appears
to be a flashlight. But essentially you are the
same as ever, constant in your instability.

I tend to really hate change. I'm a creature of habit. I find comfort in routine and safety in ritual. And yet changes comes. Sometimes it is foisted upon me without warning and I rage against it like a spoiled child who has had her playtime interrupted for a nap. Sometimes I know it's needed but still I avoid it with every ounce of strength. If I see it coming from a distance and I am convinced of its value it's easy to embrace but I know I can be a hard sell. I'm not a gambler and I tend to think, "better the devil I know than the devil I don't know." I can move like a glacier when faced with the prospect of monumental shifts.

Then I am faced with the mirror in the bathroom, or the look in my children's eyes, or the thoughtful insight of a true friend and I recognize that even the glaciers march forward and recede with time and leave unmistakable marks on the landscape.

So tell me, what marks change in you and your life? How do you react to change?

Friday 55 & Da Count-Do You Love Me?

FRIDAY 55

Do I matter?
Is my absence a vacuum that no other can fill?
Does my presence bless you, will you bless me?
Do you act on my behalf grudgingly or gladly?
Does the thought of me warm you on a cold day?
If you were choosing again would you choose me?
Do you love me?


*image from http://www.films42.com/columns/DLT-T_Golde.jpg




DA COUNT

I was struck by the ruminations in John Michael's post this week when he asks how to interpret the question Tevye and Golde ask each other "Do you love me?" in The Fiddler on the Roof. They've spent the better part of their lives together after an arranged marriage, raised a family, and seem generally content but the question of love arises.

One of my favorite Norah Jones songs is What Am I to You?. She talks about how she will express herself to one she loves and then poses the title question. I love you and these are the lengths I will go to. Do you love me and how will I know?

I've read about the Five Love Languages and how we each speak and want to be spoken to in what is our "native language." It could be words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, or physical touch. We probably enjoy all of them to some extent but one will be the most preferred mode.

There are individuals I love but I wonder if that is returned. I wonder what I am to them. I feel as if we speak two different languages and there is no interpreter in sight. There are those who speak a very different language and yet we find a way to "communicate" the most important truth of mutual love. There are other people with whom I feel no doubt and I know we speak the same language. It's like coming home from a foreign country and finding a familiar and easy comfort you've craved.

Today I'm counting the ones who strive to make sure we understand each other well even when it's not easy, and the ones who need no interpretation.

Now tell me, how do you let people know you love them? What lets you know you are loved?

Conversations with my 13 Year Old Self

I saw where Beach Bum had written a letter to his 13 year old self and it rather intrigued me. A letter was just not working well for me so here's the conversation instead.

39: Hey kiddo, whatcha doing there?

13: Drawing.

39: Make sure you don't stop.

13: Well, I do have homework and chores ya know?

39: Yeah, I know. I mean when you're all grown up. Make sure you still draw or paint or write or do something creative.

13: Well, duh!

39: Yes, I know that seems painfully obvious now but there will come a time when you put it all aside because the people who call you 'a dreamer' say that as an insult. And then there is marriage and family and young children that all sort of take away a lot of time and you feel guilty about pursuing things like this. I'm just saying, don't feel guilty and don't let others make you feel silly and unproductive for having dreams and a need to create. You're going to put it all down for a while and be miserable until you figure out you need to pick something back up. Save yourself the miserable stage.

13: No problem because I am never going to be like THEM. They all just walk around looking dead all the time anyway, like they don't have a single bit of joy in life, like everything is pure drudgery.

39: Well, life happens and people don't wake up and suddenly decide to be joyless. It sneaks up on them slowly. Things will sneak up on you too.

13: Oh yeah? like what?

39: Well, these hips , thighs and belly for one thing. I mean look what a little slip of a thing you are now. I bet you never thought we'd get this wide did you?

13: (hunching over) I hate the curves I have now. I can't ever find jeans to fit. You know everyone wears 501s but they are so straight up and down and I'm not! And I hate that I got boobs early. The other girls hate you and the boys just want to feel you.

39: (hugging 13) It's ok. Everyone evens out in a few years. But let me warn you about that Wood Shop class you take in 2 years when you are the only girl. Don't walk down the hall to get wood without asking Steve R. to guard the entryway for you.

13: Steve? He hates me!

39: He doesn't hate you. He's just quiet, but he's also a gentleman, unlike a couple of the other guys in that class. In addition to getting Steve to cover your back don't be afraid to give a knee to the groin or the heel of your hand really hard to the nose. Ok?

13: Gees, sounds like a great time I'll have in that class.

39: You'll be ok. Just mind what I said.

13: So what other awful things do I have to look forward to?

39: Well, I'm not hear to tell you everything that happens in your life.

13: Well, what good are you then?

39: I just want to give you some helpful hints. Warn you of some things. Nudge you in the right direction.

13: Now you sound like my mother. Do me a favor and don't become her when you have kids, ok? And definitely don't become our dad! Gees!

39: (laughing) Well you know what she has always told us right?

13: (mocking) "Whatever I did right make sure you repeat it. Whatever I did wrong, do better."

39: That's it. You got it. And you know, she's right. That's the best piece of advice she's ever going to give you. There's a lot of wisdom in it.

13: It's a cop out.

39: No, hon. It would only be a cop out if she didn't try her hardest or if she didn't care. She's taken her own advice and done better than her folks. It's a bit of advice that opens the door to forgiving shortcomings and not being hobbled by them. You know she had it rough growing up.

13: Don't you even start in on my grandparents! She told me about it and I don't believe it! They have always been there for me. ALWAYS! Grandpop just died and I don't want to hear any nastiness about him.

39: I know, kiddo. I've been there. I remember? I know. Just believe me when I tell you you're going to wrap your head around the fact that they weren't necessarily there for her and she had to get past all that in order for YOU to have them be the wonderful grandparents they are. Lesser people would have walked away from them. Her bit of advice is what allowed for that and the sooner you can understand it the smoother things will be.

13: Well I'm DEFINITELY not going to make the mistakes she makes with her boyfriends.

39: (stifles guffaws) Oh, good gravy! On that you are sooooo wrong.

13: (sniffling) I know, because I will never HAVE a boyfriend. I'm not popular enough.

39: No, you'll have some boyfriends. Don't worry. You'll pick some real...erm...winners too.

13: Ooooh, are they cute? When do I get my first real kiss?

39: (laughing) They're cute. A couple of them are complete losers though. Don't be swayed by a handsome face. Don't figure you can inspire paternal instinct by picking horrible fellows either. Have respect for yourself. The first real kiss is quite lovely since you're not counting that one at the wedding reception this summer when you got completely schnockered?

13: I never had beer before and the older kids kept giving it to me.

39: Learned quite a lesson that night didn't we?

13: (sheepishly) Yes.

39: Yep, stick to your guns, kiddo. Your gut said no. You even said no the first time they offered you the beer. Then you let them talk you into a yes and you kept sucking it down until you were legless. Make your own choices and stick to them.

13: (Turning back) Gees, now you REALLY sound like mom.

39: (Putting a hand on 13's shoulder) No, hon. You learned that lesson well as it applies to alcohol. I just want you to know that sticking to your guns has a much wider application. You're no fool. You have a conscience and you have a brain and you have a will. I'm just here to tell you to listen to your gut. You have some folks who try to tell you to be more logical than that and yes, apply your logic...but when you don't listen to your gut, when you try to silence that nagging voice...that's when you run into real trouble.

13: What kind of trouble?

39: Well, you know, I already told you I can't reveal all the details. But when you make a couple of major life decisions and there are bits and pieces that don't sit well with you, don't let anyone convince you to ignore those bits that nag at you. Pursue those details until you are satisfied with the answers. At least then if things still fall apart you're not going to drive yourself crazy with some of the 'what ifs.' One thing in particular though. You're going to go overseas. Don't tell your Pop-pop you're going away until after November. And make sure he is physically healthy when you speak to him.

13: Wow! I'm going overseas to live and I can't tell Pop-pop? Why?

39: You can tell him. Just wait until at least the following Spring, if he's still living. If he's not, then you just spared yourself and him a lot of pain and...you'll either have an answer I won't ever get or you won't even know to ask the question. Either way is better. I know this is cryptic. I'm sorry. Just trust me on this, ok?

13: (leaning against 39 to hug her and speaking softly) Ok, I promise.

39: Thanks, I needed that.

13: I know

39: (laughing) Yes, I guess you did. So have I given you enough to work with?

13: Well, you said I run into real troubles. I'm a little scared. Can't you tell me what they are so I can avoid them completely?

39: Well, I warned you to listen to your gut. That will go a long way. But you can't avoid every bad thing in life, that's just not reality.

13: Like this conversation is even real, come on!

39: I think you know what I mean. We just have to go through some things for the sake of growth. Yes, there are some awful things coming up. But out of some of the worst come some very good things. You're going to have to endure some unpleasantness to get to the good things on the other side. I've given you general warnings, the things I learned that I wish I learned a little bit earlier.

13: Ok, so keep being creative, listen to my gut, stick to my guns, and mom isn't such a dummy after all, and that cryptic bit about Pop-pop.

39: Right, that's about it for now. Oh yeah, and always use a harness on ziplines.

13: What's a zipline? Never mind, I'll figure it out. Ok, so can I give you a word of advice?

39: (laughing) I was waiting for this.

13: Don't let them suck the joy out of you. Don't be some boring old lady whose most exciting adventure is reading 'Cat Fancy.' Don't forget what it's like to be a kid. Ok?

39: I'll do my best.