Susie has a shop over at Etsy, which is a wonderful online resource for finding beautiful and unique handmade items. Some are more beautiful, such as Susie's creations. Some tip more toward the "unique" side of the scale....Some go way beyond unique and slide right into disturbed territory. At Susie's request I am reviewing some of the unique and disturbed finds just in time for your holiday shopping.
Right off the bat, with about 10 seconds worth of searching the site I found Vagina Soap Favors. There is even a choice between Caucasian and African-American skin tones or, if you prefer, there is also a Butt-shaped soap. What guy wouldn't want to find this in his stocking on Christmas morning? I can't even bring myself to post a picture of the Bride/Penis Soap. Go look. I'll wait. I am not even sure which gender that's intended for. It's the stuff of nightmares, folks.
The Golden Brown Beard would seem a normal sort of thing for the harried mother who needs a Halloween costume for her kid and wants it to be handmade without making it herself. However, Halloween is past. Also, take a look at the texture of the fake beard. I've never seen a man's beard grow in and look so much like fish scales but the description for the beard is what truly perplexes me.
The perfect fall beard. You’ll look great on your stroll through the park, as your new beard complements the changing leaves. A real autumn beauty; vibrant, yet demure. This beard would look especially handsome on a redhead, but is perfect for anyone wanting to add a little spice to their normal autumn attire.
So the maker views this as a fashion statement for women? (or I am the only one who thinks the model is a girl?) Oooooookay...Moving right along.
Here is the Love Heart Fake Dog Poop Gift for when you care enough to shit the very best. The scary thing is, I know men who would think this would be a wonderful gift for the special woman in their lives. These are the kind of men who send Valentine's Day card where the punchline is a reference to dog genitalia. I swear if any of you hips Mr. Lime to this entry I will have to hurt you before I send him to the Doghouse (Thanks, Cooper, for that little gem of an idea.)
Apparently beer can hats did NOT die the death they should have way back in the 70s. They have come back with the new and exciting textured yarns and are now made of soda cans so they are age-appropriate across generations...or perhaps the inappropriateness can span the generations. Notice the festive holiday color theme of this Mountain Dew Hat with Fun Frills.
Gads, I don't know. It makes my head hurt thinking about it...makes it hurt like there's a razor sharp can panel slicing into my scalp.
Next we have the Embroidered Phrenology Pin Cushion. It's kind of a voodoo/19th century pseudoscience meets fashion design piece that no deranged seamstress should be without.
Now we have something that really makes me wonder. The Voodoo Bottles themselves are wonderfully crafted pieces or art. It's the part of the description that says, "Each bottle has a mysterious thick liquid inside," that concerns me. I have visions of some sicko potter killing and dismembering some enemy. After sending the victim through the blender the psycho puts a little bit inside each of these bottles before mailing them off. Eeeeewwww.
Moving right along...How about something for the kiddies? Reindeer Snot! According to the seller it's a generous portion attractively packaged in an organza bag. (Anyone besides me gagging already as they consider the inability of organza to adequately contain snot?) Oh, it also comes with a poem. Won't the kids enjoy reaching into their stockings to find this!
And that concludes this year's review of all the weirdness one stocking could hold. Only 17 more shopping days so hurry and order now!