Monday, December 08, 2008

Weird Gifts

Susie has a shop over at Etsy, which is a wonderful online resource for finding beautiful and unique handmade items. Some are more beautiful, such as Susie's creations. Some tip more toward the "unique" side of the scale....Some go way beyond unique and slide right into disturbed territory. At Susie's request I am reviewing some of the unique and disturbed finds just in time for your holiday shopping.




Right off the bat, with about 10 seconds worth of searching the site I found Vagina Soap Favors. There is even a choice between Caucasian and African-American skin tones or, if you prefer, there is also a Butt-shaped soap. What guy wouldn't want to find this in his stocking on Christmas morning? I can't even bring myself to post a picture of the Bride/Penis Soap. Go look. I'll wait. I am not even sure which gender that's intended for. It's the stuff of nightmares, folks.







The Golden Brown Beard would seem a normal sort of thing for the harried mother who needs a Halloween costume for her kid and wants it to be handmade without making it herself. However, Halloween is past. Also, take a look at the texture of the fake beard. I've never seen a man's beard grow in and look so much like fish scales but the description for the beard is what truly perplexes me.

The perfect fall beard. You’ll look great on your stroll through the park, as your new beard complements the changing leaves. A real autumn beauty; vibrant, yet demure. This beard would look especially handsome on a redhead, but is perfect for anyone wanting to add a little spice to their normal autumn attire.

So the maker views this as a fashion statement for women? (or I am the only one who thinks the model is a girl?) Oooooookay...Moving right along.



Here is the Love Heart Fake Dog Poop Gift for when you care enough to shit the very best. The scary thing is, I know men who would think this would be a wonderful gift for the special woman in their lives. These are the kind of men who send Valentine's Day card where the punchline is a reference to dog genitalia. I swear if any of you hips Mr. Lime to this entry I will have to hurt you before I send him to the Doghouse (Thanks, Cooper, for that little gem of an idea.)





Apparently beer can hats did NOT die the death they should have way back in the 70s. They have come back with the new and exciting textured yarns and are now made of soda cans so they are age-appropriate across generations...or perhaps the inappropriateness can span the generations. Notice the festive holiday color theme of this Mountain Dew Hat with Fun Frills.
Gads, I don't know. It makes my head hurt thinking about it...makes it hurt like there's a razor sharp can panel slicing into my scalp.




Next we have the Embroidered Phrenology Pin Cushion. It's kind of a voodoo/19th century pseudoscience meets fashion design piece that no deranged seamstress should be without.










Now we have something that really makes me wonder. The Voodoo Bottles themselves are wonderfully crafted pieces or art. It's the part of the description that says, "Each bottle has a mysterious thick liquid inside," that concerns me. I have visions of some sicko potter killing and dismembering some enemy. After sending the victim through the blender the psycho puts a little bit inside each of these bottles before mailing them off. Eeeeewwww.







Moving right along...How about something for the kiddies? Reindeer Snot! According to the seller it's a generous portion attractively packaged in an organza bag. (Anyone besides me gagging already as they consider the inability of organza to adequately contain snot?) Oh, it also comes with a poem. Won't the kids enjoy reaching into their stockings to find this!






And that concludes this year's review of all the weirdness one stocking could hold. Only 17 more shopping days so hurry and order now!

28 comments:

Cocotte said...

Wow - that stuff is not normal!

I will admit to putting one of those plastic reindeer that poops out jelly beans in my son's stocking one year. He loved it!

G-Man said...

I dated a girl once that must have used the salmon flavored vagina soap...
Crazy post here Limey...G

Desmond Jones said...

Yeah, at first glance, I thought it was Vagina Soap *Flavors*, and that kinda left me scratching my head, until I looked again.

I tell ya, Dave Barry has got nothin' on you for a Holiday Gift Guide, Shelly. . .

lime said...

cocotte, a friend gave my husband a moose that poops jelly beans. they are kind of funny.

gman, crazy is as crazy does

lime said...

desmond, as dave barry would say, "i am not making this up." it's phenomenal the "creative direction" some minds take.

barman said...

Vagina soaps? It really is true, there is a sucker born every minute.

Until you mentioned it I had not paid attention but that sure looks like a woman that is modeling the beard. Personally I think it would be a fine addition to some young boys Halloween costume next year. Just paint the "fish scales" a greenish/grayish color and the costume is half way done. I can not say this thing looks anywhere near real at all.

Love Heart Fake Dog Poop. Oh no, I am so tempted. We used to have a bunch of characters where I work. One person once got a small pile of fake dog poop and it would turn up on some ones desk. Then that was shared with someone else, and so on. That poop circulated for over a year before being retired. I so could see getting this for him and not saying where it came from. Of course his wife would probably be gifted it from him and I am not sure I want to feel her wrath should that happen. It is so tempting. Maybe he could pass it around where he works now. They would all LOVE me for this!

OK, I have a serious addiction to Mountain Dew, I have for over 35 years. Lately I have tried to go cold turkey. But I think this would be perfect for me and possibly this one lady at work who is a big fan too. Yep, could have a future. But where are the straws coming out of the cans?

I like the voodoo bottles. You have not watched enough B rated science fiction, obviously. That liquid is going to get out of the can and stalk you. When you are not looking it will enter through you ear or nose and take over. Be warned, the Voodoo bottles are not to be messed with.

I will pass on the snot but kids would LOVE it.

Flash said...

Those are the coolest white elephant gifts in the world...

Although the soap va-jay-jays might come in handy for a quick holiday party pick me up.

S said...

LMAO SOAP VA JAY JAYS?

Very well done, my dear! I have to tell you, I have never seen any of those weird gift items on etsy. You have a knack for finding them.
The beards....OMG, they are so weird I jsut cant imagine wanting to wear that.

You heard the girl, get on over to ETSY and shop!

furiousBall said...

just think of the trauma you could cause a child by washing their mouth out with that soap

Suldog said...

There is little I can add to this.

Well, OK. My aunt lived in Alaska when I was a child. One Christmas, she gave my Mom earrings that were fashioned from real, honest-to-goodness, moose poop. It was encased in acrylic, to be sure, but still. As a young boy, I (of course) laughed for minutes when I saw them, and I showed them off to all of my pre-adolescent friends later on, which lifted my stature in the neighborhood for a while.

lecram said...

I am just wondering how long it takes to train a dog to poop like that.

eve cleveland said...

Lime....
I think I will give my mother in law the vagina soap and not say a word about the shape. Just wait....and wait...and wait. Oh, that will be so much fun. I heart awkward silences!
Now, the pin cushion is really kind of cool.I wonder if it has a voodoo like property.
Eve

lime said...

barman, please promise me you will not order one of those mountain dew hats.

flash, i don't think i want to imagine the sort of party where vajayjay soaps would be a good idea.

s, it really wasn't hard to find any of this stuff. the soaps i literally found within 60 seconds of searching the site.

furiousball, i think i just heard a psychoanalyst somewhere sigh over the potential business that would lead to

suldog, what inquiring minds want to know is whether or not your mom ever wore the earrings.

lecram, LMAO!!! more patience than i have, that's for sure.

eve, your name is short for "evil" i think. LOL. have fun executing that idea.

david mcmahon said...

I'm asking Santa for reindeer snot!

Beach Bum said...

The vagina soap is a little bizarre for me but I think I'll show my wife just for laughs, she thinks I'm crazy already.
And I buying the fake dog poop for my brother.

coopernicus said...

And here I was wasting all my time on the Sharper Image and Victoria Secret's sites...I'm disappointed tho, no whoopee cushion that spews raccoon roadkill pus????

Jocelyn said...

You remind me of Elaine (on Seinfeld) writing for the J. Peterman catalogue.

I wish the voodoo jars had a "bubbly, happy liquid" inside, like strawberry jam. Just for the contrast.

Charles Bjørnsen Ravndal said...

Hahahha that vagina soaps are quite hilarious! And those voodoo jars are also good if you are planning to scare some people.

misticblu said...

LMAO @ furball.
Girl, I got lost for an hour following links.
The doghouse was the best!

lime said...

david, i want to be there when you get it.

beach bum, i am beginning to think your wife may be correct in her diagnosis, lol

coopernicus, eeesh, i WAS going to go eat breakfast...

jocelyn, i like your idea of juxtaposition.

charles, it's all a little frightening

misticblu, any doghouse candidates you know of?

Ella said...

go back to etsy and search "bacon" - there are some seriously funny things like crocheted pieces of bacon to carry around in your pocket and the best was the bacon scarves.

Cheesy said...

OMG I am SO getting that hat for my son's Birthday!

Lulda Casadaga said...

This is all a great find lime!
Now I don't need any reindeer snot because there is probably some still on my front end of my car!!

The poop is cute, but I can get the real thing in my backyard...um maybe I can encaust my doggies poops and sell them. My lab comes up with some wicked piles! LOL

Beard is def a chick...

Suldog said...

I truly cannot recall My Mom wearing those earrings. She may have, though. My Mom is not easily embarrassed by fashion.

Palm Springs Savant said...

OK Lime, you DEFINITELY get the prize for featuring the strangest Christmas gift ideas EVER! MAde me chuckle, thanks
-Rick

(M)ary said...

Cool. I bookmarked Susie's Etsy page. Let me know when you get an Etsy page, Michelle!

The Zombieslayer said...

Nice. I like that Phrenology pin cushion. I'm all about Phrenology. Actually makes more sense than Astrology (which doesn't say much of course) but at least Phrenology is a pseudoscience based on the brain.

Moosekahl said...

I can easily supply fresh Reindeer poop to accompany the Snot if needed :)