The Crafty Lady Retires....For Now

Every year for the last I dunno how many years I've organized the crafts for the VBS program at our church.  Long time readers may recall how some of my plans have been somewhat ambitious or skewed or just outright jokes.  Some have just amazed me to watch them unfold.  Well, this year since I have a job I was only going to be able to be there part of the time. Then it became apparent I wouldn't be there any of the time due to covering for a coworker who is on vacation.  So it seems there will be no crafty hijinx for me this summer.   This time of year though I do get the itch for arts & crafts mayhem though so even though there's a whole site devoted to the weird or awful things found on Etsy.com I was doing periodic posts like that long before others capitalized on it (if only I'd thought to make a whole website on such mockery I might have a few more bucks in my pocket today...).

Let's see, I could have had the kids make Maniacal Mutant Muskrats.  What mother wouldn't be completely charmed to have this sitting on the mantle so she could proudly display her child's handiwork.  I think this is what happens when you listen to too much of The Captain and Tenille.  I dunno if the concept or the expression on the muskrat's face is more disturbing.

Too gruesome for the kiddies?  Hhhmm, ok.  How about the Loch Ness Monster Toilet Decal?  Sure you could decorate your bathroom with a seashore motif or rubber duckies or some other boring theme that's been done to death. Why not conjure up images of some monster lurking in the inky depths of your plumbing though.  So much more soothing, dontcha think?  Either that or it will scare the crap out of folks, which could be helpful in cases of constipation.

We're always being encouraged to stop and smell the flowers.  Well, now they can return the favor for the low, low price of $375.00.  What a bargain!  I think we should have one for every room in the house and a few for the garden.  Ok, someone turn that thing around now.  I don't like when the flowers stare at me.

All I can say about the maker of the Plush Prick Cushion is the maker has some MAJOR issues with men and violent tendencies.  I'm betting she doesn't get too many dates.  I'm wincing on behalf of all the guys out there. (Well, unless you're into that sort of thing, but if you are I really don't want to know about it.)  Seriously, lady.  Get some help!

And just to demonstrate my own level of weirdness (as if the rest of this post hasn't) here is something I actually understand, Owl Pellets.  I think Etsy is probably not the best place for selling these but in the past I have dissected them with Isaac during a nature program on raptors.  They are the stuff owls can't digest so they hork it back up.  The fun in dissecting them is finding itty bitty rodent and bird skeletons inside.  The most exciting thing was finding a skull.  No, I'm not kidding.  We actually got excited about that sort of thing.  Hey, don't be hatin'!   It's educational and Issac and I have fond memories of counting mouse bones together.

Da Count -Big Orange Splots

One of my favorite children's books, which I always enjoyed reading with my kids, was The Big Orange Splot by Daniel Manus Pinkwater. If you are not familiar with it, get thee to a library and check it out. It is wonderful. It;s about Mr. Plumbean, who lives on a neat street where all the houses are the same. One day a seagull flies over his house and spills a can of orange paint on Mr. Plumbean's roof. The neighbors are in an uproar because the neighborhood is no longer neat. they implore Mr. Plumbean to do something about this problem assuming he will conform to the old pattern. Instead he preserves the big orange splot and paints the rest of his house in wild colors and patterns. He also includes elephants, pretty girls, and steam shovels. When the neighbors express their outrage his defense is, "My house is me, and I am it. It looks like all of my dreams." One by one, Plumbean's neighbors begin to convert their houses into their own dreams as respect for creativity and individuality spreads. They discard the notion of a neat street and find community in the idea that, "Our street is us and we are it. It looks like all of our dreams."

Yesterday's craft project was to make a log cabin bank out of a Chinese take out box. One helper covered them all in brown paper for me. Another helper made a sample. We put out the boxes, a bunch of construction paper and markers, and some glue and scissors. I told the kids they could make their bank houses any way they wanted. I absolutely loved watching the different ideas they all had.


One fellow's dreams didn't consist so much of a house as a fortress. (And check out the hairstyle he sported for crazy hair day and mismatch day. Rock on!)

For some people, their dreams included trees, shutters, and pets they could indulge.

For some, the dreams include sliding boards that start at the roof. I hope he invites me to visit someday.

Just being allowed to work on your own dreams is a cause to smile.

And then there are a these girls who have dreams of books so they didn't make houses at all. One made a library, the other made her own Border's Store. They are girls after my own heart. Oh, and the newest Borders franchise owner has much more fun making funny faces when she is asked to smile and show what makes her happy about her house. Rock on, girlfriends!
When I planned this craft I have to admit, I only had vague notions of 50 little log cabins. Mind you I never require conformity in my craft projects. I just didn't imagine so many kids would go so far from the cabin idea and add so many other embellishments. When I began to see the fabulous divergence I got as excited as the kids. I just had to fan that flame. It reminded me of Pinkwater's book, which I had not thought of in a long time. It was a very good and timely reminder. So this week I am counting such a sublime chance to peek in the windows of many dream houses.

Now tell me how a house that is you and you are it would look if it looked like all of your dreams.

Why Rush into Things?

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. ~Mark Twain

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. ~Spanish Proverb

I do my work at the same time each day - the last minute. ~Author Unknown

Procrastination is something best put off until tomorrow. ~Gerald Vaughan

You may delay, but time will not. ~Benjamin Franklin

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment. ~Robert Benchley

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. ~Don Marquis

Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday. ~Author Unknown

Procrastination is like Masturbation. At first it feels good but in the end you're just screwing yourself. ~Author Unknown

It's that time of year again. It's time for me to come up with crafts ideas to fill up a week of activities for the 5-8 year olds during Vacation bible School. In spite of my subversive suggestion of having kids make penis gourds, in spite of using dead fish as an artistic medium, and in spite of the great wind spinner disaster of 2008 the organizers of the week keep asking me back. I think they know a cheap deal when they see it. For crying out loud I get a budget of roughly $200 to come up with crafts for 50 kids five days in a row. It's artistic fishes and loaves the way I multiply that little bit to cover the multitudes.

This year I was waaaaay behind the 8 ball. The insanity starts today. I began planning on Thursday. I bought supplies on Friday and Saturday. Sunday night at 7:00 pm I started constructing samples. And what am I doing after midnight instead of getting to bed ASAP to be well rested? I'm sitting here to type up this blog post. Well, I wouldn't want to let that slide now, would I?

Lime's Last Minute Valentine Gift Giving Guide.

Forget about chocolates, cards, and roses. Everyone is doing that. Do you want to be truly original this Valentine's Day? Let me share some fabulous gifts you could bestow upon that special someone. Everything here is for sale right on Etsy.com.


Here we have the Bright Yellow Banana Blanket, which is labeled "mature." Later the maker refers to is as a Cock Cozy sized to fit up to 8 inches and stretching to accommodate various girths. The knitter also apologizes for the potential tobacco smell this item may carry but speculates if you are ordering such a thing that may be the least of your worries. This unique item can be given by the thoughtful woman in Arctic climes wanting to make sure her significant other's tender bits are kept warm. Alternately it makes an attractive cover for the toys belonging to the unattached modern woman.




For the gentleman wanting to give his sweetheart jewelry but unable to afford diamonds here's a seriously creepy opportunity. These disturbing Arm Earrings will also appeal to the ecologically and socially conscious since their creator indicates she made the earrings to use of leftover parts from some other upsetting project. Plus, there's no worry about gems in jewelry being used to fund horrific wars using child soldiers in third World countries. You can wear these body parts proudly knowing you haven't contributed to anyone else loosing their arms in war.




Next we have an item which, according to the seller, is great for men who can't grown their own moustache or women who want to know how the other half lives. We are also told this Moustache Disguise is for the young at heart but not suitable for those under 14. I can't imagine why on earth that would be but I do agree they are far more potentially upsetting than a PG-13 movie.








Of course, if finances are too tight to afford any of these lovely suggestions you can just allow the bird on this Magnet to inspire you in your gift giving. Actually, I quite like these magnets. I think they are an amusingly snarky avian version of lolcats.

Weird Gifts

Susie has a shop over at Etsy, which is a wonderful online resource for finding beautiful and unique handmade items. Some are more beautiful, such as Susie's creations. Some tip more toward the "unique" side of the scale....Some go way beyond unique and slide right into disturbed territory. At Susie's request I am reviewing some of the unique and disturbed finds just in time for your holiday shopping.




Right off the bat, with about 10 seconds worth of searching the site I found Vagina Soap Favors. There is even a choice between Caucasian and African-American skin tones or, if you prefer, there is also a Butt-shaped soap. What guy wouldn't want to find this in his stocking on Christmas morning? I can't even bring myself to post a picture of the Bride/Penis Soap. Go look. I'll wait. I am not even sure which gender that's intended for. It's the stuff of nightmares, folks.







The Golden Brown Beard would seem a normal sort of thing for the harried mother who needs a Halloween costume for her kid and wants it to be handmade without making it herself. However, Halloween is past. Also, take a look at the texture of the fake beard. I've never seen a man's beard grow in and look so much like fish scales but the description for the beard is what truly perplexes me.

The perfect fall beard. You’ll look great on your stroll through the park, as your new beard complements the changing leaves. A real autumn beauty; vibrant, yet demure. This beard would look especially handsome on a redhead, but is perfect for anyone wanting to add a little spice to their normal autumn attire.

So the maker views this as a fashion statement for women? (or I am the only one who thinks the model is a girl?) Oooooookay...Moving right along.



Here is the Love Heart Fake Dog Poop Gift for when you care enough to shit the very best. The scary thing is, I know men who would think this would be a wonderful gift for the special woman in their lives. These are the kind of men who send Valentine's Day card where the punchline is a reference to dog genitalia. I swear if any of you hips Mr. Lime to this entry I will have to hurt you before I send him to the Doghouse (Thanks, Cooper, for that little gem of an idea.)





Apparently beer can hats did NOT die the death they should have way back in the 70s. They have come back with the new and exciting textured yarns and are now made of soda cans so they are age-appropriate across generations...or perhaps the inappropriateness can span the generations. Notice the festive holiday color theme of this Mountain Dew Hat with Fun Frills.
Gads, I don't know. It makes my head hurt thinking about it...makes it hurt like there's a razor sharp can panel slicing into my scalp.




Next we have the Embroidered Phrenology Pin Cushion. It's kind of a voodoo/19th century pseudoscience meets fashion design piece that no deranged seamstress should be without.










Now we have something that really makes me wonder. The Voodoo Bottles themselves are wonderfully crafted pieces or art. It's the part of the description that says, "Each bottle has a mysterious thick liquid inside," that concerns me. I have visions of some sicko potter killing and dismembering some enemy. After sending the victim through the blender the psycho puts a little bit inside each of these bottles before mailing them off. Eeeeewwww.







Moving right along...How about something for the kiddies? Reindeer Snot! According to the seller it's a generous portion attractively packaged in an organza bag. (Anyone besides me gagging already as they consider the inability of organza to adequately contain snot?) Oh, it also comes with a poem. Won't the kids enjoy reaching into their stockings to find this!






And that concludes this year's review of all the weirdness one stocking could hold. Only 17 more shopping days so hurry and order now!

Farm Days

Today a few more pictures from the Harvest Festival.

The spring house where root vegetables would have been stored.

Onion skin dyed eggs. After dyeing the eggs the designs are scratched on with a pin or other sharp tool. I can remember my grandfather doing this when I was a child and I have done my own eggs in the past.

Dried flowers still bursting with color.

Our baker placing loaves in the outdoor bake oven. It can hold 60 loaves at once.

A nearly full bake oven.

Mmmm, can't you just smell the warm bready goodness? At the festival you can get a slice with fresh butter or fresh apple butter also made at the farm in the 19th century way.

A five strand braid of rye straw. The woman working this braid has completed 6 yards. She will need 25 yards of tightly braided rye straw to complete a sun bonnet for herself. The bits sticking out are where new pieces are added in. Each length of straw is approximately 12 inches. After the braid is completed the entire length will be put through a press to flatten it even more before it is sewn into the bonnet.

Here is an example of a competed bonnet. The string on it is a narrow woven tape which was made on the inkle loom.

Now comes the reader participation portion of the post. Can you guess what this picture is?

Note to Self...

Even if you pre-assemble this craft so all the kids have to do is string the beads in...

Even if you gather together 6 extra volunteers to help the kids do the stringing...

Even if the schedule gives you 10 minutes more for arts & crafts time than you had before...

This craft should not be attempted with 29 five and six year olds because when you plot them out on a bell curve for manual dexterity, attention span, and frustration threshold you will have about 5 who can do this and 6 who declare they cannot before standing up from the table and leaving. The remainder will try but not have much fun and wind up all yanking your arms, legs, and tee shirt or poking you in the ribs or beating you on the back as they whine, "Mrs. Lime, 1)my string is tangled, 2)Jimmy's beads are all on the floor, 3)my plastic needle came off the string, 4)I want more pink beads instead of green beads 5)I don't like this and I want to go home." As you are calmly trying to sort out the various difficulties one of your adult helpers will become as demanding as the 5 year olds and you will snarl at her to PLEASE give you a moment to deal with the little people grabbing at you because for crying out loud she has had over 5 decades to learn how to take turns and wait patiently. When the 5 & 6 year olds trudge off with tangled messes 10 minutes late to their next activity you will be filled with mortal dread at having to repeat this particular brand of hell with 22 seven and eight year olds a few minutes.

You will come to realize in roughly a decade of doing arts & crafts for VBS week that this was your single worst idea for a project ever. You will remember fondly the trepidation you felt prior to letting the kids paint with dead fish or mess with 5 gallon buckets of tie dye chemicals. You will announce your need for a good stiff drink within earshot of the most temperate and sweetly pure pastor's wife. You will engage in self flagellation because you don't like any kids to go away from arts & crafts feeling frustrated.

However, at the end of the day one of last year's 8 year olds who has moved up to the older group this year will come find you sitting at your table feeling like today was a complete failure. She will say how coming to your arts & crafts time was her favorite part of VBS and she wishes she was still in the lower grade so she could come this year. Her eyes will sparkle as she speaks animatedly of tie dyeing and painting with dead fish. She will give you a hug and say you are the best craft lady ever. You will be very thankful for such a fond remembrance shared with you at that moment.

You will give her the sample you made of today's project...

Partly to say thanks for her kind words...

Partly to see the smile it puts on her face...

Partly because if you ever lay eyes on another one of these cursed projects it may kick in the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

At the intersection of dead fish, textiles, and Jesus

Last week, I was a busy girl who didn't get around to visit you all very much. Why? I was busy coming up with and executing outrageous arts & crafts projects to cause alarm during our church's annual Vacation Bible School. Last year I jokingly suggested having the kids make penis gourds to acknowledge our visitors from Papua New Guinea. They called my bluff and presented me with my very own to keep forever and ever. This year I just decided to stick with dead fish and tie dyeing with the kids. No burnt match crosses or Bible verse bookmarks for this crafty lady. I have to entertain myself when I plan this stuff because if I am not enthused about it there ain't no way the kids will be.

So first off, here I am mixing up my concoction of tie dye brew chemicals after the kids have dumped their tied up doo rags into the bucket. This stuff has to be stirred forever and a day so we used child labor and enthusiasm for that dull bit and they all were happy to be a part of the process. I took home a couple buckets of dye wet rags and washed them all up that night.

They were REALLY happy when I brought back their washed doo-rags the next day and they saw all the groovy designs that came out. I let them each pick one of 4 patterns, stripes, circles, swirls, or scrunches. I was tickled with how well it went and the kids were happy. Score!

Next we have here fish print t-shirts. Yes, real fish covered in real paint and printed onto real t-shirts.

There were one or two who were kind of skeeved out by the process but none to the extent that they refused to participate.

I did warn the kids ahead of time that any terrorizing of neighbors with dead fish or shoving at the tables or general flinging of paint and wet shirts would result in the loss of craft time for the day. No one wanted to escape dead fish enough to resort to bad behavior. Several were digging the various anatomical fish bits as they showed up on the t-shirts. It's art! It's science! It's fun!

Even though I was pretty strict about what I wouldn't tolerate during fish painting day I'm still goofy enough to pause and make fish lips with the kids.

Weird Wednesday-Babies, Prom Gowns, and Accessorizing

It seems I caused some degree of consternation on Monday by mentioning shopping for prom gowns when I was postpartum. Allow me to clearly state for the record that I was NOT going to the prom at that time. I had my first baby when I was 22, so I was well past prom age.

I had been on bed rest due to preeclampsia for 5 weeks before having Diana. In the dead of winter I had her by emergency c-sec after two days of labor. Given that I had listened to every muscle in my body atrophy for 5 weeks prior to that marathon I was fairly wrung out by it all. Apparently I healed quickly because at the 6 week postpartum checkup the doctor declared me in perfect health. I asked him why I still felt like a dishrag.

I had gone quite stir crazy between bed rest and trying to recover from the c-sec in the middle of winter. The first week home my mother took me to the mall so I could just get a change of venue. I shuffled along clutching my sore belly while she pushed the stroller. After about 20 minutes I was exhausted and we went home. Too much too soon.

After the 6 week check I was talking to my dear friend I wrote about in 'Tumors, Pork chops, and Blueberry Buckle.' She had shared with me the slightly wacky tradition she had of dressing up for the Miss America Pageant and throwing a party. At 6 months into my pregnancy I put on an old prom gown with an empire waist, fashioned a sash out of toilet paper (Miss Abdomen, winner in the stretch mark and mood swing categories), and wore a pair of plastic baby pants on my head as a crown when I joined her party. As I was bemoaning how exhausted I felt all the time and how I didn't even recognize my own body anymore, nor could I even begin to squeeze it into any familiar clothing she suggested we go shopping.

Off we went to the mall. I tried on some things that I hated and moaned some more about not being able to fit into anything I liked. Then we spied the prom gowns and she got a twinkle in her eye and dragged me off. I caught her drift quickly and we each loaded our arms up with the most outrageous styles we could find and spent the next half hour laughing like crazy at each other as we crammed our flabby selves into slinky gowns. When the sales lady looked askance at us I assured her my mother had agreed to watch the baby so I could attend prom.

Now as a segue allow me to present a very special accessory I made all by myself....

The fabulously crafty Susie sent me a bra some time ago so I could fashion it into a purse. It has taken me several months to get around to it but at long last I have completed the project. It seems the perfect accessory after my postpartum prom gown shopping no?

Allow me to share the comments I've gotten...

Diana: It's like the Depression. She's so poor she has to make a purse out of some old bra...Only...it's the Depression so she doesn't even have money to carry. So why does she even need a purse. It's just stupid.

Calypso: Mom, that is so weird and gross. Can I use it for church on Sunday?

My mother: You're not actually going to let her take it to church are you?

Me: Grinning wickedly

Weird Wednesday-Creativity Gone Awry

Susie has opened for business over here at Etsy.com. I went over to check out her lovely handwork and found a treasure trove of weirdness in other departments.


Inhaler Coin Purse Because when you are gasping for breath, risking the inhalation of a coin because you've confused your medicine with a coin purse is a GREAT idea!










Pear Cozy We can't have our pears catching a chill can we? And in case you are concerned about frigid apples, you can buy a little sweater for them too. I can just see little pear wives asking their apple husbands, 'Does this sweater make me look fat?'








Stuffed testicles This is from the maker herself...'why stuffed testicles? why not. i made some of these partly as a joke and i thought i would share them with you.these beauties are great for hanging anywhere you see fit, your rearview mirror, bedroom door, chritmas tree....they are each about the size of a lemon, and make great gifts....'

Ok, lemon sized?? Those are some serious cajones! Although I am thinking of getting a set for the rearview mirror of the car Diana and Calypso will be driving when they get their licenses....This is what happen to dates who don't take no for an answer....




Personalized stuffed vulva Holy Moses on a pogo stick! I'd be a bit afraid if my vulva looked like this. What sort of disease makes it look like that??? And what sort of person buys something like this? I mean I get the concept of sex toys, got my very own thankyouverymuch, but this? It's not looking terribly effective for the frustrated male and I don't think I'd get one for the wee ones to carry around. 'It's bedtime sweetie, do you have your vulva?'

Crafty Lady

Today commences Vacation Bible School. Now for the last I dunno how many years, roughly since the Mesozoic Era, I've been the arts & crafts lady. I'll be damned, oops can't say that when referring to VBS or they might threaten me with just that fate darned if I was going to help out by teaching actual lessons because it's summer and the kids are least enthusiastic about that part of VBS. Recreation? Do you really want a woman who falls off ziplines in her own backyard running the recreation period? I didn't think so. Snacks? Naw, not interesting enough. Nursery? Hhhhmmm, a small room, with a broken air conditioner, in July, full of cranky toddlers who want Mommy nooooooooooooooowwwwwwww. Not a chance in hell! Oops, there I go again, inviting damnation!

Ok, arts & crafts it is. I get to make messes, fling paint and glue and be an artiste! Five days of crafts for 50 kindergarten through 3rd grade kids in $200 or less. Bwahahahahaha. Now I don't wanna do some dumb door hanger or coloring page that gets tossed the second the kid gets it home. That is, provided it's not heaved in the trash before they even leave. So it's a challenge on a teeny budget.

I've enjoyed it in the past but I have to admit I was sort of hoping I could take a break and use the 'gimp excuse' this year. Better yet I was hoping they wouldn't even ask. Well, they asked. I was, however, so stoned on painkillers when they asked me I smiled vacantly and said, 'Oh suuuuurrrre. Nooooo problem. It'll be fiiiiiiiine.' Then I promptly let the entire conversation fly right out of my head until I was handed the idea book two weeks ago.

The idea book is generally the lamest thing going, by the way. (Make strips of card stock and pass out markers. Tell the children to write a Bible verse on the paper. Look, it's a book mark! Yay!) Puhleeeeze. That would bore me right to tears. Naw, I plan things like gyotaku when we have visitors from Japan. (Paint the dead fish with a nice coat of acrylic paint. Press the fabric over the fish to make an imprint. Put as many fish on it as you want. Use as many colors as you want. Please let the eyeballs remain IN the fish's head. Please do not terrorize your neighbor with a painted fish.) NOW we're talking arts & crafts.

This year we have visitors from Papua New Guinea so I was looking for crafts that would be reflective of that culture. So I want to know...



Do you think anyone will be upset if I have the kids make penis gourds?