A Crappy Gift

It truly is a miraculous season and blog fodder in terms of weird gift ideas is flowing freely....like a cow on laxatives.  Speaking of bovine scatology I have another bizarre stocking stuffer for all you shoppers looking  for unique and memorable gifts to give.

This was plopped at my feet via an email from a friend.  Today's gift idea is PooPooPaper. 

It's paper made from animal poo.  The site explains that several species of large, herbivorous mammals have very inefficient digestive systems so their poo is very heavy in fibrous material.  Some might suggest anyone wanting to turn poo into paper might have shit for brains but apparently the inventors of PooPooPaper wanted to find an alternative, ecologically sound source for paper other that wood pulp.  Maybe they have shit for brains, maybe that rationale is a steaming pile, but maybe...just maybe they have fertilized the seeds of genius which have blossomed into a sound business.

The site allows you to shop according to item type such as social stationery, greeting cards, photo albums, and other items.  If you prefer you can shop according to which animal's excrement was used to produce the paper.  My favorite part of the site is where they sell Poo-litical PooPooPaper.  There you can find elephant poo and donkey dung derived papers all with appropriately scathing commentary on the respective parties represented.

After the assurances of odorless products and explanations of the process and rational I only wonder why they haven't begun to produce rolls of toilet paper.

Lime's Gift Guide for the Disturbed

You've seen this sort of thing from me before (here, here, and here) and it's back again just in time for Christmas. I've scoured Etsy, ok...I merely scratched the surface...and found you all some lovely gifts.

You may think this a Barbie doll's toilet brush but you'd be wrong.  No, it's for the impeccably groomed bordering on
OCD.  Still perplexed?  It's a belly button duster.  Well you wouldn't want an unsightly proliferation of navel lint would you?  Now that grooming nightmare can be a thing of the past with this handy little gadget.

Next up is another personal item.  Yes, it's actually designed to be worn and the maker says this special Willie Warmer is sized to fit the "average male" though she also makes extra large for those requiring the accommodation.  She notes that although this one is styled to be natural in color and with the inclusion of pubes she is willing to make custom, non-natural colors.  Spotted dick, anyone?

Ok, moving on from one disturbing image to another, here is a warning sign.  And you thought the impending zombie plague was your biggest worry.  You thought you had dealt the death kneel to the monster under the bed?  Well, the new threat in town is apparently ceiling octopuses!

And now for the whimsical murderer wannabes with an artistic yet frugal side, we have the Macaroni Murder Lady.  Were I to analyze this I'd be inclined to think the creator has some deep seated issues stemming from early trauma during summer camp arts and crafts.

 Let's make sure not to forget that special lady in your life but forget those fancy jewelry stores trying to sell you blood diamonds.  You want something more ethical.  You want Bony Spaceship Earrings....because they are made from the vertebrae of an Australian possum...a possum that was electrocuted by power lines.  The artist even details how this type of death occurs.  Won't she be excited to know love her enough to want her to wear electrocuted possum bones?  What?  They're mounted on nickel-free posts so she won't react negatively to them....

Well there you have it, folks.  If you are stymied for gift ideas I have just provided some excellent suggestions.  Though I take no responsibility for the deterioration in any relationships caused by giving such gifts.

Swap-o-rama

One of the things I love about blogging is the chance to interact with people all over the world. I learn so much about places I have never been from people I might not otherwise have met. A couple of years ago I met Renny and Diane, a couple from Norway. I've really learned a lot about Norway from both of them. They offer slightly different perspectives since Renny is Norwegian and Diane is American. Both have wonderful blogs that are a delight to visit. Some time ago Renny offered all his readers a chance to engage in a swap of gifts unique to whatever area the participant is from. I jumped at the chance.

Here are the lovely surprises from Norway I found in my mailbox. first are a pair of adorable little trolls who sit on my kitchen windowsill along with a few other "friends." They keep me company when I am in there cooking and dancing. Renny and Diane also sent a CD of music by famous Norwegian composers and let me know the trolls are especially fond of Edvard Grieg's In the Hall of the Mountain King.

The other item they sent was a really lovely hand painted wooden plate. The style is similar to what I know as tole painting, which is popular in the Pennsylvania German tradition, so I especially loved this piece.

If you head over to Renny's place you can see what I sent him and Diane. I am betting you can all guess what sort of thing I sent but go check and say hello.

In other news, NYD won the contest with his plan for how to thwart an evil mastermind, thus he may claim he pair or tie dyed socks...assuming he considers that a prize. Congrats, NYD! thanks to all of you for your plans. They all gave me quite a chuckle.

Weird Gifts

Susie has a shop over at Etsy, which is a wonderful online resource for finding beautiful and unique handmade items. Some are more beautiful, such as Susie's creations. Some tip more toward the "unique" side of the scale....Some go way beyond unique and slide right into disturbed territory. At Susie's request I am reviewing some of the unique and disturbed finds just in time for your holiday shopping.




Right off the bat, with about 10 seconds worth of searching the site I found Vagina Soap Favors. There is even a choice between Caucasian and African-American skin tones or, if you prefer, there is also a Butt-shaped soap. What guy wouldn't want to find this in his stocking on Christmas morning? I can't even bring myself to post a picture of the Bride/Penis Soap. Go look. I'll wait. I am not even sure which gender that's intended for. It's the stuff of nightmares, folks.







The Golden Brown Beard would seem a normal sort of thing for the harried mother who needs a Halloween costume for her kid and wants it to be handmade without making it herself. However, Halloween is past. Also, take a look at the texture of the fake beard. I've never seen a man's beard grow in and look so much like fish scales but the description for the beard is what truly perplexes me.

The perfect fall beard. You’ll look great on your stroll through the park, as your new beard complements the changing leaves. A real autumn beauty; vibrant, yet demure. This beard would look especially handsome on a redhead, but is perfect for anyone wanting to add a little spice to their normal autumn attire.

So the maker views this as a fashion statement for women? (or I am the only one who thinks the model is a girl?) Oooooookay...Moving right along.



Here is the Love Heart Fake Dog Poop Gift for when you care enough to shit the very best. The scary thing is, I know men who would think this would be a wonderful gift for the special woman in their lives. These are the kind of men who send Valentine's Day card where the punchline is a reference to dog genitalia. I swear if any of you hips Mr. Lime to this entry I will have to hurt you before I send him to the Doghouse (Thanks, Cooper, for that little gem of an idea.)





Apparently beer can hats did NOT die the death they should have way back in the 70s. They have come back with the new and exciting textured yarns and are now made of soda cans so they are age-appropriate across generations...or perhaps the inappropriateness can span the generations. Notice the festive holiday color theme of this Mountain Dew Hat with Fun Frills.
Gads, I don't know. It makes my head hurt thinking about it...makes it hurt like there's a razor sharp can panel slicing into my scalp.




Next we have the Embroidered Phrenology Pin Cushion. It's kind of a voodoo/19th century pseudoscience meets fashion design piece that no deranged seamstress should be without.










Now we have something that really makes me wonder. The Voodoo Bottles themselves are wonderfully crafted pieces or art. It's the part of the description that says, "Each bottle has a mysterious thick liquid inside," that concerns me. I have visions of some sicko potter killing and dismembering some enemy. After sending the victim through the blender the psycho puts a little bit inside each of these bottles before mailing them off. Eeeeewwww.







Moving right along...How about something for the kiddies? Reindeer Snot! According to the seller it's a generous portion attractively packaged in an organza bag. (Anyone besides me gagging already as they consider the inability of organza to adequately contain snot?) Oh, it also comes with a poem. Won't the kids enjoy reaching into their stockings to find this!






And that concludes this year's review of all the weirdness one stocking could hold. Only 17 more shopping days so hurry and order now!