1. Have you ever had inappropriate dreams about coworkers? (You know what I mean..)Um, no I don't really know what you mean. Could you spell it out for me?
2. Name the first person you ever told to fuck off.
You mean I get to re-christen him with a new name? Great! then I dub him Sir Hemorrhoid, Duke of Puke, Lord of all that is Foul and Diseased.
3. Have you ever smoked pot or worse?
I had a really hard time getting that blasted cast iron dutch oven to light. My stainless steel Farberware didn't work much better. Inhaling was impossible.
4. How and where were you conceived?
I was hatched from an alien egg.
5. Have you ever stolen anything?
Moments and kisses
6. Ever been handcuffed?
No, been duct-taped though. And thank you for dredging up such painful memories. Why dontcha give me a paper-cut and pour lemon juice in it now?
7. Ever been arrested? Naked?
I have had naked activities arrested.
8. Has anybody ever caught you watching porn?
Just food porn.
9. Do you have any unusual piercings?
Sometimes my eyes and voice are unusually piercing.
10. Do you know any crack dealers or pimps?
I once hired a plumber with bad acne. Does that cover them both?
11. Have you ever done a hit and run in your car?
Do squirrels and deer count?
12. Have you ever been in jail?
Why yes, yes I have...as a teacher.
13. Have you ever fired a gun?
I've never hired one to be able to fire him later.
14. Ever ridden a motorcycle in a race on the highway?
Zipline not withstanding, do I look like I have a deathwish?
15. Ever broken into a building illegally (as in, not your own house)?
Do I strike you as foolish enough to publicly admit to a felony?
16. Do you keep the extra change the checkout person gives you by mistake?
The checkout person can't change me. Only I can change myself.
17. What is your most guilty pleasure?
Why should pleasure be guilt inducing?
18. Who do you most hate?
19. Could you kill somebody?
Am I physically capable? Am I morally conflicted about doing so?
It happened when I was Jung