Remember this picture? Yeah, that's the one. Three years ago I was complaining about having to haul my butt down the hallway to start waking people at 5:15 am. I thought that was the worst. I was wrong. Back in those days all I had to do was drag myself out of bed after fighting the intense gravitational pull of the pillow. I didn't have to get dressed. I didn't have to be any more coherent than was required to motivate 3 children to escape the magnetism of their own mattresses. Basically, as long as the basic functions of my autonomic nervous system and some willful gross motor activity kicked in I was ok. I didn't have to worry about hygiene until after the water heater replenished the supply of hot water an hour after the kids had climbed onto their respective buses. Ah, those were the good old days.
Things have changed. This year Calypso is attending a charter school 2 counties away. That's far enough that said school is not required to provide transportation. That means it's up to the 12 or so families in our county who have kids at this school to work out carpools for our darling progeny. Guess who has Wednesday morning. Go ahead. I'll give you three guesses and the first two don't count. Hugh Jackman? No. If he did I'd be leaping out of bed every Wednesday morning. Attila the Hun? No, she has Mondays...er wait. Sorry, that's the Type A mother who needs to make sure the rest of us are under her thumb. Ok, third guess. Yours truly? BINGO! Congratulations. You win the $64,000 question. Unfortunately, I don't have a spare $64K sitting around. If I did I'd be hiring a driver. You'll have to live with the pride in knowing you were clever enough to figure out the correct answer. It's called intrinsic rewards.
Anyway, your very own Lime, who has been convinced for as long as she can remember that no one should be required to be functional before 9 AM, preferably 10 AM. (Listen, I am a night owl, ok? I don't ask early birds to be functional at midnight. All I am asking is for a similar level of acceptance from the early birds with regard to my own circadian rhythms, but I digress). As I was saying, I don't do well at this hour but I suddenly find myself required to be awake enough for my functional skill set to include safe operation of a vehicle conveying 5 teenagers to a school two counties away. That means if I want any hot water at all I need to be OUT of the shower by 5:20 AM. You may suggest I shower the night before but if I am going to be coherent enough to manage the whole safe driving thing I need the shower to wake up plus I think it's basic consideration before climbing into the van with 5 teens. You don't think I want to be referred to as Stinky Mom do you? You may suggest that if I wait until after the hot water is used up the cold will shock me into greater alertness. I will then call you a (expletive deleted) sadist. We have well water. Do you have even the remotest idea how flippin' cold that water will be in January???? I won't be alert. I will be a Limesicle.
Out of the shower by 5:20 AM. Have you processed that concept? That means I have to be IN the shower by 5:10 AM. Normally, I am all about the snooze alarm, which I hit at least 3 times. Even when I finally decide it's time to rise it's a sloooow process. I don't pop up like a Jack-in-the-box. No, it's more like those first few organisms oozing out of the primordial slime (and roughly as attractive). So if you back it up to allow for snooze alarm time and personal evolutionary processes I'd have to set my clock for BEFORE 5 AM!!!!! I really can't even bring myself to consider the actual time I'd have to set the alarm for. It's a horror is what it is. For crying out loud, it's 8:40 AM now as I type this and I want to go back to bed for a nap!
If you'll excuse me I have a pillow calling me.