Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Remembering 5:15 AM Fondly

Remember this picture? Yeah, that's the one. Three years ago I was complaining about having to haul my butt down the hallway to start waking people at 5:15 am. I thought that was the worst. I was wrong. Back in those days all I had to do was drag myself out of bed after fighting the intense gravitational pull of the pillow. I didn't have to get dressed. I didn't have to be any more coherent than was required to motivate 3 children to escape the magnetism of their own mattresses. Basically, as long as the basic functions of my autonomic nervous system and some willful gross motor activity kicked in I was ok. I didn't have to worry about hygiene until after the water heater replenished the supply of hot water an hour after the kids had climbed onto their respective buses. Ah, those were the good old days.

Things have changed. This year Calypso is attending a charter school 2 counties away. That's far enough that said school is not required to provide transportation. That means it's up to the 12 or so families in our county who have kids at this school to work out carpools for our darling progeny. Guess who has Wednesday morning. Go ahead. I'll give you three guesses and the first two don't count. Hugh Jackman? No. If he did I'd be leaping out of bed every Wednesday morning. Attila the Hun? No, she has Mondays...er wait. Sorry, that's the Type A mother who needs to make sure the rest of us are under her thumb. Ok, third guess. Yours truly? BINGO! Congratulations. You win the $64,000 question. Unfortunately, I don't have a spare $64K sitting around. If I did I'd be hiring a driver. You'll have to live with the pride in knowing you were clever enough to figure out the correct answer. It's called intrinsic rewards.

Anyway, your very own Lime, who has been convinced for as long as she can remember that no one should be required to be functional before 9 AM, preferably 10 AM. (Listen, I am a night owl, ok? I don't ask early birds to be functional at midnight. All I am asking is for a similar level of acceptance from the early birds with regard to my own circadian rhythms, but I digress). As I was saying, I don't do well at this hour but I suddenly find myself required to be awake enough for my functional skill set to include safe operation of a vehicle conveying 5 teenagers to a school two counties away. That means if I want any hot water at all I need to be OUT of the shower by 5:20 AM. You may suggest I shower the night before but if I am going to be coherent enough to manage the whole safe driving thing I need the shower to wake up plus I think it's basic consideration before climbing into the van with 5 teens. You don't think I want to be referred to as Stinky Mom do you? You may suggest that if I wait until after the hot water is used up the cold will shock me into greater alertness. I will then call you a (expletive deleted) sadist. We have well water. Do you have even the remotest idea how flippin' cold that water will be in January???? I won't be alert. I will be a Limesicle.

Out of the shower by 5:20 AM. Have you processed that concept? That means I have to be IN the shower by 5:10 AM. Normally, I am all about the snooze alarm, which I hit at least 3 times. Even when I finally decide it's time to rise it's a sloooow process. I don't pop up like a Jack-in-the-box. No, it's more like those first few organisms oozing out of the primordial slime (and roughly as attractive). So if you back it up to allow for snooze alarm time and personal evolutionary processes I'd have to set my clock for BEFORE 5 AM!!!!! I really can't even bring myself to consider the actual time I'd have to set the alarm for. It's a horror is what it is. For crying out loud, it's 8:40 AM now as I type this and I want to go back to bed for a nap!

If you'll excuse me I have a pillow calling me.

19 comments:

g-man said...

Pillow Talk?

Ha!...But you gotta admit that you are Spring-Time Fresh!!

In the Fall....

Cocotte said...

That is just plain brutal.

Jazz said...

"Oh, you poor poor thing", she says while sipping her tea at 9:20 am trying desperately to wake up before her boss arrives.

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

now that is early begad!

Mine is set for 6.45a most days to get the big kids up...I' kinda resentng the fact I even have to now.at 17 and 15 they should be able...but I get up after snoozing and they get there on time....they use their dinner money for the bus..then eat me out of house and home upon return cos they are so hungry....If I get a ly in, then its a sunday IF lm not working...so maybe 9pm every 8 weeks>>> pah/...

Craver Vii said...

Ugh, I can't even imagine.

Desmond Jones said...

Oof-dah (as they say Up North. . .)

I feel yer pain, Lime. I'm a night-person meself, who's been for-all-intents-and-purposes forced to live as a morning person by the vagaries of my employment and progenic schedules. I tell ya, there's still something in me that just rebels against the idea of being in bed by 10PM. But if I can do it, so can you.

'Cuz I'm virtually certain that you have far more self-discipline than I do. . .

;)

EmBee said...

Not to brag or anything... Well okay, yeah, I'm gonna brad... I slept until 9:00am this morning... 'Cause it's VACATION BABY!

Okay, now I'll be all sympathetic... Poor, poor, Lime. I feel for you.
:-(

Moannie said...

Okay! Now look on the brightside, once a week you will have at least three and a half hours more of being Compos Mentis,that's twelve hours a month in which to inflict harm or create harmony.

Logophile said...

I'm sorry,
so sorrry, being a night owl myself I know this pain, but at least mine was short lived.
THAT child needs a driver's license

Ananda girl said...

Yikes! But on the other hand, being in a good stooper might be just the ticket to survive the bombardment of freshly energized teens in the morning.

Still, glad it's you and not me. I get up by 5:00AM for selfish reasons... me time. There are zero teens allowed. :-)

VE said...

That is very cruel. I would have commented earlier but it was before 9am and I was still sleeping...

S said...

Ok lets get her back to the school down the road!
Just kidding, Im sure it's worth the trouble.
YES I remember that hilarious picture.
I hate to rub it in but I have to get up at 8 am, jump in car with slippers on and drive 1.5 miles round trip to the Jr High.
Now mind you, if I need breakfast, (COCA COLA) then I will have to don some "real clothes" for the drive to SEV. Can't be seen braless in my Gandhi tshirt at Surinder and Sumitas 7-11, no siree!

Not fun...hope your car heater works well.

for a different kind of girl said...

The only time I like to see 5:10 is if it's followed by the letters P and M. Otherwise it seems far too inhumane. I had a hard enough time trying to get up today when the alarm went off at 6:45 a.m.!

(M)ary said...

Oh my! I will say a little prayer for you. But yeah rah for choosing a Charter School. I love the idea of charter schools...hmmm...maybe you could give Calypso a sleeping bag and tent to camp out on the front lawn. Kind of like sending her to boarding school. She can come home and visit on the weekends (-:

~Tim said...

Yeah... um... Oh, yeah! Sorry, I had an image of licking a Limesicle and wondering whether that would, um, get you up....

But what I really wanted to tell you is that a colleague turned me on to this poem about quilts and I thought of you. It's here: http://www.puhsd.k12.ca.us/deloro/deptfold/english/My%20Mother%20Pieced%20Quilts%20connie.htm

crazy4coens said...

yikes! and do any of those yoot even appreciate your sacrifice?

Mona said...

Limesicle ? LOL!

I must be the 17th person winning that intrinsic award!

I FEEL your pain! ( Yawn)

~Dragonfly~* said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jocelyn said...

As a fellow night owl (I can help you with whatever explanation of Circadian rhythms the judgey morning people need), this post hurts me. I would not be so noble with the shower, for sure.