Monday, December 07, 2009

Tormenting Myself by Applying Logic and Tormenting Others With...

From Friday through today I am completely consumed by work since I am covering a girl on vacation and we have even more activities going on at the office than usual. So, today just some random thoughts on life at the office....no great insights I admit.




  • I don't think I will ever understand why the people who do not ever seem to discipline their children and who seemed completely annoyed by them continue to spawn. This is not an indictment of large families, I know several of those who have well-mannered children. I'm talking about the "parents" who come into the office screaming at their kids and making idle threats the kids know will never be followed through. The kids are terrors and try to run the place.

  • Likewise, the coworkers who indulge this crap. Sorry, I don't take orders from preschoolers. I will not reward kids who run behind the desk and demand snacks by screaming and crying. Ask politely and we can do business. That goes if you are 3 or 83.

  • If the boss doesn't eat sugar because it's bad for you why does she always have candy, cookies, danish, donuts for everyone else?

  • How is it that the lady who is always making sure we see her most recently acquired piece of expensive jewelry is always short on money and can't swing her relatively small copay? Wait, I think that one just answered itself...

  • I was told the boss will "love" me if I some in on days off, do extra work, and stay extra hours. I laughed before responded that earning her "love" was roughly #7,398,614 on my list of life goals, priorities, and motivations. (Never mind the entirely incongruous notion of "earning" love...) I do my job to the best of my ability, with integrity, and as efficiently as possible while being respectful to the boss, cooperative with coworkers, and welcoming to the patients. If that ain't satisfactory I'm not the one with the problem.

  • Of course, I was given that pearl of wisdom after I was criticized for "doing the bare minimum of work to get by," which came after I had repeatedly asked to be trained in a few other procedures so I could help pick up slack when the other girls are running like crazy. I was told I wasn't allowed to perform those particular activities.


Finally, I've been asked to provide a brief bio for the office website. The bosses know not what they ask.

Michelle was raised by Albanian gypsies. She has a degree in early 19th century Cameroonian poetry and East Asian astrology. For a few years after graduating she worked to build a herd of alpacas to supply extras for movies and to harvest their wool to knit custom outfits for pygmy acrobats. Unfortunately the herd was struck by a rare form of highly contagious mange so her dream of miniature woolly circus performers was cut short. Since the sight of bald alpacas and naked pygmies was so devastating she spent a few years in seclusion at a Himalayan convent where the nuns centered their contemplation and worship on determining which Brussels Sprout would ascend to the position as the next incarnation of Head Cabbage. In a moment of great clarity she received the call to chiropractic assistantship and thereafter began her period of employ in the service of the Grand Mistress of Chiropractic Wisdom. In her spare time Michelle enjoys confusing cats, creating mosaics of Fruit Loops depicting B-list celebrities reenacting religious scenes, and translating the works of Leo Tolstoy into Klingon.

25 comments:

~Dragonfly~* said...

Ahhh Man!!! You had me right up until the whole part about going to a convent!!!! lol

Jazz said...

First point: AMEM!!

Bio - now that would be entertaining.

Desmond Jones said...

So - when will you be posting one of your early-19th-century Cameroonian poems?

And I'm waiting with bated breath for the Klingon version of War and Peace (which I'm sure poses some real translational challenges; do the Klingons even have a word for 'peace'?)

Gledwood said...

People who don't discipline their children, especially when I have to endure the results on bus or in supermarket should be dipped in batter and deep fried in superheated oil. Yes ~ turn 'em into human tempura, it's all they're good for!

jinksy said...

What a cracking CV...

Suldog said...

I don't get it. You seemed to be setting us up for a joke, but then you gave them your true biography.

Phaedrous said...

Have you been hanging out on Regretsy? The fruit loop mosaics sound like they would be a natural.

Cricket said...

So "the boss" will love you if you show up on your days off and do a lot of extra work for free, huh? Sounds like the kind of boss who demonstrates that love by slashing wages and benefits (benefits? what are those?) next.

I am reminded a bit of a performance self-review I was asked to complete at a former place of employ. When asked what I thought I could do to improve my customer service, I answered: arrive in black-tie bearing trays of still-warm baked goods.

Maybe that's why it's a former place of employ. No great loss. Joke 'em if they can't take a f***.

S said...

Yep have them print that.
I dont like your boss.

Elle Dubya said...

I would like you to write the bio for my online dating profile!

Craver Vii said...

Tolstoy rocks. Ka'plah!

coopernicus said...

Naked Pygmy Help Hotline -

1-Get-Dre-ssed...

EmBee said...

"I do my job to the best of my ability, with integrity, and as efficiently as possible while being respectful to the boss, cooperative with coworkers, and welcoming to the patients. If that ain't satisfactory I'm not the one with the problem."

AMEN SISTA!
:-)

Ananda girl said...

A boss who believes in accepting free work and thinks a jelly doughnut will cover it????

Who wants that kind of love?

Kat said...

Hehehe. You rock. :)

choochoo said...

I still think that certain children should be sent off to an island somewhere until they're civil enough to join society.

for a different kind of girl said...

I loathe that bare minimum deal that's given to employees. It's soul sucking.

secret agent woman said...

I have a denistis hwo has a bowl of hard candy out for patients. Guaranteeing return business, I guess.

(M)ary said...

A boss who doesn't eat sugar but provides it for her employees is downright passive aggressive...our comapny has been making the vending machines more healthy which is annoying but at least reflects the corporate nazism push to be uber healthy

Hilary said...

You're a crazy woman. I suspect that's what keeps you sane. :)

Beach Bum said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beach Bum said...

...creating mosaics of Fruit Loops depicting B-list celebrities reenacting religious scenes...

That one had me rolling on the floor but after I thought about it you might be able to work a NEA grant, get rich and famous, then go on to have your own reality show.

Jocelyn said...

It's clear from the bio that you go ABOVE and BEYOND, in regards to what your work asks of you.

I'm sorry it's such suck.

barman said...

I forgot how much I miss visiting. Congrats on the Job (I think).

BTExpress said...

You mean the Trinidad stories have been fake?