Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics (and Maybe Some Truth)

I've seen Michelle H., Suldog, and Cricket each do this meme. While none of them has explicitly tagged me there have been hints that I might perhaps be able to cook up some interesting lies. Since not one of them has quite followed the same pattern so I'm off the hook for any kind of rules. I'll just be tossing out some statements, both outrageous and mundane. It's up to you to determine which ones, if any, are true. I'm anxious to see your guesses and will reveal if any, all, or none of the statements are true later in the week. No tags on this one but if you want to play fast and loose with the truth or unburden your soul with some wild confessions have at it...and and let me know so I can come see.

1. When I was 5 I threw myself out of a tree in an attempt to break my leg so I could have a cast like my best friend had. I was sorely disappointed to merely twist my ankle.

2. I slept on the porch of the governor's mansion on Mackinac Island, Michigan.

3. I have only mowed a lawn once in my life and it was only so I could have a place to sleep that night. I did the job poorly due to my inexperience and I am sure the folks thought I was just being sloppy and didn't care, but I really did try my best.

4. In college I was stopped by a photographer as I was leaving class one day. He ran over to me and begged me to pose for him simply because I didn't have bangs. I was a student back in the 80s when that scary mall hair fad was all the rage. You know the style, the one where girls teased and curled their bangs and used an entire can of Aquanet to make them stand up like a threatening claw. Well, I never succumbed to that and it served me well because the money I made posing for that guy put me through the rest of my time at college. If I'd been a slave to fashion I'd still be paying student loans.

5. I'm a book burner who has encouraged others to join in this activity.

6. I was part of a carload of gringos who drove in the Chapare region of Bolivia. The Chapare is one of the main producers of cocaine in the world. After passing through one of the open air markets where I was told cocaine is sold like flour we went swimming in a local river. I was more nervous about swimming in the river than by being conspicuously American in that part of the world. My reluctance was due to a misunderstanding about the level of pollution in the river. I thought the local guy we spoke to said it was highly contaminated due to the cocaine production. What I misunderstood was that he was speaking in the past tense but reassuring our local hosts the river was no longer in such bad shape but was now safe.

7. I once shared a hot spring in Yellowstone National Park with Christie Brinkley.

8. On a trip to England I succeeded in getting a Beefeater at Buckingham Palace to crack up during the changing of the guard. Then I watched him get a right proper dressing down from a superior.

9. During the processional into the stadium for my high school graduation I wore a pair of those gigantically over sized sunglasses even though it was strictly forbidden. When I got caught I talked my way out of having to give them up then donned them again once the coast was clear. It was my way of expressing my displeasure over the stupidity of school administrators who felt the need to hold the ceremony in a much smaller venue than normal (thus limiting the number of guests who could attend) only so they could show it off because it was new. My mother and grandparents were mortified. My father beamed with pride.

10. I have a strange birthmark on my right butt cheek. Since I knew I was adopted I used to imagine, when I was little, that it marked me as the daughter of a princess who would find me after years of searching and I'd be able to prove I was royalty by mooning the king.

11. The first time I got pulled over by a cop while I was driving I was 14 years old.

12. I was once offered $200 to eat calamari...one of the pieces that actually looks like a mini octopus. I.could.not.do.it. Just couldn't get that thing past my lips. Not for $200. Not for $2000. Yes, I just heard the collective gasp of all of you calamari lovers out there.

13. I did lick ice cream off the kitchen floor once when I was pregnant though. Cravings, ya know? I dropped my hot fudge sundae on the floor. We had no more ice cream. I was desperate.

14. I was frisked and threatened by armed military in Caracas, Venezuela because I took a picture in the airport.

15. I once aspired to being a parametrician.


Craig said...

Gosh, you've just gone above and beyond here. . . Hope you don't mind if I sorta pick and choose my way thru the list. . .

1) This actually sounds like something you might've done. At least a plausible lie. . .

2) I know you've been to Mackinac Island (and congratulations on spelling it right, BTW). But the governor's mansion is right here in Lansing. Besides, 'The Porch' is at the Grand Hotel. . .

4) Hmmmmm. . . doubtful on the lack of student loans; I'm sure you're telling true on the hair, tho. . .

5) Oh, come on. Is there some requirement to include at least one laughably false assertion?

6) Huh?

7) Again, I'm pretty sure you've been to Yellowstone; Christie Brinkley, I'm doubtful. . .

8) Hmmmm. . . I don't think so. . .

10) LALALA; I'm not listening! Do NOT want to know ANYTHING about birthmarks on butt cheeks!

11) Well, seeing as to how one of my kids got pulled over when he was an unlicensed 15-year-old, this is at least plausible. . .

12) I'm not a calamari lover, but I'd eat almost anything for $200. . .

13) I've been around enough pregnant women in my life to know that this is entirely plausible. Likely, even. . .

14) Somehow, this one rings true.

15) You made this up. . .

And now is when you show me, without a doubt, how weak my BS-detector is. . .

Cricket said...

Ooh, I dunno... I'm thinking you took Sul's approach, the kind of lie that is "truth-plus", rather than outright BS.

F'rinstance, I doubt you're a true book-burner in the usual sense, but I wouldn't be surprised if you actually did this through some weird twist of events.

Aren't the hot springs at Yellowstone really hot? Like, "cook you" hot? I thought they were...

Open air markets where cocaine is sold like flour? Just say "SI!" Remind me never to go to Bolivia. I won't make it past the "souvenir shops."

If anyone could break a Beefeater's composure, I'd think you could...

You seem innately practical... $200 for calamari and you passed? I dunno. I suppose my wife would have passed too, and she's Sicilian.

What in hell is a parametrician? Actually, I know, but only 'cos i just looked it up.

Looking forward to part 2.

Cocotte said...

You are a funny Lime. Are you going to come back with a Paul Harvey......"and now, the rest of the story!"??

g-man said...

Au Contraire to Craig...
There is indeed a Governor's Mansion On the island. Or at least there was when you were there!

10. I know for a fact this is true, Film at 11.....

g-man said...

...And I'm sure it had a porch!

Suldog said...

All I know is that I want to see photographic proof if #10 is true.

The only one I absolutely cannot imagine being true is #5, so I'll bet it IS true (but with some sort of explanation that will not cost you your spot in my libertarian heart.)

I anxiously await the answers.

S said...

How'd I do?

Ananda girl said...

Oh you are too good for me! The only thing that I believe is a lie is that you would burn a book! YIKES!

Craver Vii said...

The college part was believable until you got to the part about paying off student loans.

Get a Beefeater to crack up? No way. Not even you.

I liked the story about high school graduation. I would never have done something like that. I am too much of a conformist.

Craig said...

Are the guards at Buckingham Palace called Beefeaters? 'Cuz the guy on the gin bottle has a very different costume/uniform than the Buckingham Palace guys. . . Beefeaters are the Tower of London guys, aren't they?

And I know that the governor has a residence on the Island (I knew I was in trouble when Mr. Know-it-all called me out), but I didn't know it was called a 'mansion'. I'm still pretty sure you didn't sleep on his porch, at any rate. . .

And I have a sneaking suspicion that Suldog might be right - that you've got some oddball story of book-burning buried deep in your passionate youth. . .

(M)ary said...

I know you are not a book burner unless you mean books like Moby Dick, and even then I think you would find a use for it rather than burn it. (Door stop?)

I should know if you have mowed a lawn because I post about mowing my lawn and you make comments. So, I am guessing the lawn mower fact you gave is actually fiction.

The cocaine polluted river story seems really specific, so I will say that is true. And if it is not true, what inspired you to tell that particular lie?

Jocelyn said...

4,5,8, and 13 are lies. Plus some others...but you're such a regular and accomplished liar that at this point I'm not sure even you know what end is up.

Liar. You Big Liar.

VE said...

1. True. This sounds very lime like to me.

2. True. This is random enough to be true!

3. True. When do most women EVER mow a lawn?

4. False. Nobody admits (or remembers) what they did in the 80s

5. False. You are a book lover…aren’t all bloggers?

6. True. Who else would make up a story about the Chapare region of Bolivia.

7. False. This can’t be true…I should have done this before you!

8. False. They don’t crack…I’ve tried…

9. True. I’ll bet you put them back on for your last interview too!

10. False. All those thousands of stalker photos finally paid off!

11. False. Fourteen year old girls are too irritating to be allowed anywhere near a car!

12. True. Disgusting things; I would expect no less of a reaction!

13. True. Only the truth could be this horrible!

14. True. Not many people go to Venezuela…but I have been to that airport too and had you done that, I could believe that would happen and also you mentioned Bolivia which I would guess was part of the same trip.

15. False…because I have no flippin’ idea what that is so I have to assume you made it up!

An excellent game of lies and deception...a necessary skill of all women I've ever met... ;)

Michelle H. said...

Sorry I'm late. Been in and out of blog land for a bit.

Would it be a bad thing to say that I hope all are true, simply because I'm eager to hear an extended story of each? I guess I'll find out be reading the next post.