Tuesday, March 22, 2011

A Note

I think the Super Full Moon has brought the looniest patients out in droves this week.

Dear Patients,

Most of you are wonderful people who I genuinely enjoy seeing.  There are a few of you who get on my last nerve though.  Today it seems all the crazy ones came en masse.  I'd like to remind you of a few things.  There is only one of me.  I'm the only one at the front desk.  This means you may have to wait your turn from time to time when things are busy.  I don't know how you got past kindergarten without learning to take turns.  Oh, and for those of you who called, please keep the call as brief as possible.  Save the gory details for the doctors.  They need to hear it.  I don't.  I need to schedule you, hang up, and deal with the line of people waiting for me in person. 

That said, to those of you who walk in without calling to make an appointment, would it kill you to pick up the phone first?  I mean really.  If your treatment plan includes multiple therapies it's a colossal pain in the neck (pun intended) for you to just waltz in an expect to be treated.  It also tries my patience when you get uppity about having to wait or not being able to see the massage therapist when you gave no advance notice.  Perhaps you'd like me to suggest stacking patients 2 deep on the massage table?  Or may I perform your therapies? (throws head back in a maniacal cackle)

To those of you with children, the waiting room is not a playground.  The therapy equipment is not for climbing, throwing, or tormenting one's kid sister.  And when I do,  I'm only smiling when I tell them to settle down because I am fantasizing about hanging them from the gym equipment by their belt loops and feeding them excessive amounts of sugar before sending them home, not because I think they are charming.

Finally, with regard to payment...Yes, we actually expect you to pay when service is rendered.  Shocking, I know.  I'm sure when you go to the grocery store or to get your hair cut or oil changed that all those places smile sweetly when you want to walk out the door without paying.  And seriously, there are a few of you who argue with me every damn time about how your insurance works in an attempt to scam the system.  If I've explained it, the biller has explained it, the doctor has explained it, and a rep from the insurance company itself has explained it just knock it the hell off already and pay your damn bill!  It's not going to change just because you don't like the answer we all give you.  Playing dumb doesn't cut it.  It just irks the shit out of us all. 

Personally, I'd like to institute a non-billable fee for dealing with your nonsense day in and day out.  Payable directly to me so I can afford to go hang out on the beach and have a cabana boy bring me refreshing drinks and a masseur to work out all the kinks in my neck from dealing with the stupidity of some of you.  I'll invite the cooperative patients to join me.



Anonymous said...

How come the crazies roam in packs? They're like ants, they all come out of the woodwork at the same time.

- Jazz

Hilary said...

My cousin works at a doctors' office and dreads the full moon.. similar reasons. You're a hoot. I hope they appreciate you. :)

Craig said...

Oooooo-kaaaaayyyy. . .

So tell us how you really feel. . .


Bijoux said...

Retail is no better!

Craver Vii said...

And what would the lady like to drink? (My wife calls me Cabana Boy.) Oops - did I say that out loud? Umm... pretend you didn't hear that.

Jocelyn said...

I read this and thought of Jazz, so I'm glad to see she commented first.

So, um, look how Turkey lifted the block for, like, ten minutes? Or something? I'm all happy to be here. What luck I tried clicking over, as I've missed you majorly.

I was about ready to call your office and act confused and like I couldn't pay.

secret agent woman said...

That no understanding about paying at the time of service? Drives me nuts, too.