Back Atcha!

My back has been really fouled up for nearly three weeks.  It's getting old.  I had more deeply terrifying moments with cancer, but mostly unrelenting physical pain takes me to much longer lasting dark moods that are more difficult to pull myself out of.  My family finds me ever so charming as well.  I did make it to a very gentle yoga workshop on Friday night and that was really lovely.  It was good to be back, even if not fully.



I've decided to try acupuncture for the back issues.  If I understand it correctly it works on the qi, or energy flow, of the body to make sure it's all unimpeded or something.  So if there is pain you go ask someone to put 65 needles in your body, leave them there, and tell you to relax because functioning as your own full-sized voodoo doll makes you think, "Bloody hell, there's a handful of pins in me.  If I need to scratch my nose or sneeze or something I could have a real problem....wow, I haven't even noticed that my back hurts.  This shit is amazing!"  Joking aside, when it was over and I had to put my shoes on it was the first time in weeks it didn't hurt to tie my shoes.



Back pain (and realizing I felt better after sleeping on a friend's couch than in my own bed, for crying out loud) has also provided the impetus for purchasing a new mattress. I am hoping that sleeping on a mattress which is flat as opposed to concave will have a positive effect on the state of my lumbar spine and supporting musculature.  It's maybe a little weird how excited I am about a new mattress.  I'd say it's the little things in life that make me happy but given that the mattress is king-sized I don't think it quite qualifies as little. We'll see how tomorrow morning goes.




In other news I go back to Fox Chase tomorrow for my three month check up.  It's going to be 4 hours in the car, which is the worst thing for my back but I am trusting it will be a good report and I am hoping for some nice weather so I can make some pit stops to get out of the car and stretch and enjoy a little walking around.

Self Medicating

So that 16 lbs I lost in the last two months was not due to my new yoga regimen or attributable as a side effect of a short term medication I was on for an infection. Nope, it's hyperthyroidism which amps up the metabolism like crazy. I've been constantly hungry and eating but still loosing weight, which if you take the night sweats, tachycardia, headaches, and shortness of breath away wouldn't be such a bad thing in my book. I dragged myself through work today since my heart has settled down thanks to the cardiologist I saw Friday. It was less than fun but I survived the utter chaos that comes from having to reschedule all the classes I missed due to my absence last week. The less than useful nurse at my doctor's office who seriously mishandled the way she communicated my mammogram results last spring is once again demonstrating her great competence in that she can't seem to get her act together in getting me scheduled for the next set of tests to determine WHY my thyroid has gone insane and thus determine a course of action for treating the problem so resolution of this problem is delayed for a few more days. Oh joy, oh bliss. I had to pick up some food for dinner and breakfast and I saw something else out of the corner of my eye. Although I am the nutrition nut in the house and rarely buy this kind of crap it looked good and I figured I'll never have metabolism like this again (since treating hyperthyroidism tends to lead to hypothyroidism and a major slowing of metabolism and excessive weight gain...can hardly wait for that) so what the hell.

I really hope I can somehow handle a yoga class soon (it's a big challenge with the shortness of breath) so I can deal with this complete frustration in a healthier way.

Slice of Lime-A Quiet Spot

Yesterday was not a good day around here. The last few days have brought more frustrations and unwelcome news. I'll spare all the details. I'm just not in the mood and I'd probably wind up saying some very nasty things. Among all the other crap, yesterday I found out I didn't get the job. I had a lovely little pity party for myself. There was crying and a refusal to be consoled. I bet you're sorry you missed it. I was asked what the next step is and I said there is none because every time I take one forward lately I get knocked back six steps. I loose less ground by refusing to advance. Really, it was my finest hour. Later my cousin called and listened to me cry the blues. After that she told me to rehydrate and take a walk. Those seemed like manageable steps so I took them.

I'm told some folks are ocean people and some are mountain people. Personally, I rather like the parts of the California coast where ocean and mountains met, best of both worlds and all. But I grew up escaping to the low mountains of the East Coast and I still find comfort in them. A forest cut by running water is about perfect to me. The ocean and the plains have their own magic but they don't comfort me when I feel beaten. They make me feel exposed. The forest lets me slip away quietly among the trees to find a quiet spot where I can hide for a bit.

I went to the woods because trees are good listeners too. They don't judge you. Somehow even the ones that tower over you don't make you feel small in a shameful sort of way. They spread out their branches as if to shield you from too hot sun or too heavy rain. They whisper softly. I didn't go planning anything other than to wander a while and sit but there was solace and wisdom there. I thought it would be better to share that than to continue my whining. I pulled out my camera phone to do so, so excuse the poor picture quality.

The quiet spot. Well, ok, the water just drowns out the nearby highway noises. Good enough for me.

I can think. No interruptions. No demands. Just sit and listen and think. Wallow a little if needed. I told you, trees don't judge.

The old hemlocks suggest it's time to stand. Here's a hand. Get up now. Walk among my friends. It's been a while since we had a visitor. We're glad you came.

But I've fallen and I can't get up.

Holler for help if you have to.


Sometimes you'll grow crooked before you grow straight but you do what you must to get the water and light you need to live.


Your support system might look at bit odd to others but if it keeps you standing that's the important part.


It would be nice to have someone to walk with you on the trail but they won't always be either patient enough or energetic enough to go at your pace. Sometimes you have to walk by yourself.

Eventually, you'll have to make some choices.


You can't sit in one spot forever unless you want a moss covered butt.

Friday 55 & Da Count-Balance

FRIDAY 55


*Circus performer Johnnie Fortune Teetering on tightwire as he practices drunken clown routine by Loomis Dean, 1952

Perched precariously on the thinnest edge,
no solid ground for my feet,
no net below.
Wind swirls.
The wire shifts
under me.
Onlookers call
with demands
for daredevil tricks.
They toss things for me to juggle.
Ignoring shouts,
fixing my sight,
arms flailing,
hips swaying
as I seek
the balance
I've lost
before
I
fall.

DA COUNT

This week I feel like that guy up on the wire only he is a seasoned circus performer and I am just some drunken fool destined to loose the battle with gravity. There are a great many stresses all converging at the same time and I have not exactly coped effectively. I'm frustrated. I'm surly. Yesterday I was extolling the value of achieving balance as I spoke with a friend and I realized I've lost it myself. That friend and another person I ran into later who saw my stress a mile away both said to start with breathing. So, since I can't fully count having balance this week I'll count knowing I need to find it again and taking a deep breath.

Even Salmon Get Rewarded After Swimming Upstream

Ever have a day that feels like Andy DuFresne's...only you feel like you're crawling upstream toward the prison instead of escaping to freedom?

Well, to quote a different character (John Coffey) who was just trying to make things better in another prison movie (The Green Mile),
"Awful tired, boss. Dog tired."

Slice of Lime-Black River

When I stepped into the river and waded out to my dad and stepmom they asked how the long drive was. I poured out the tale of automotive woe. They empathized then my stepmom said, "Well you're in the river now," as she smiled. I took a deep breath, sighed, and nodded as I realized I already felt better. In my mind I heard Amos Lee's Black River so that's this week's musical Slice of Lime. I didn't take any pictures of myself this time around so I'll just share the river shots and an old picture of my girls wading in.

Oh, Black River

Whoa, Black River
Gonna take my cares a way
Gonna take my cares a way
Gonna take my cares gonna carry my cares
Gonna take my cares away
Gonna take a my cares away
Gonna take a my cares gonna carry my cares

Oh, dear savior
Gonna take my cares away
Whoa, dear savior
Gonna take my cares gonna carry my cares
Gonna take my cares a way
Gonna take my cares away
Gonna take my cares away
Gonna take my cares gonna carry my cares

Whoa sweet whiskey lord
Oh, sweet whiskey, lord
Gonna take my cares gonna carry my cares
Gonna take my cares away
Your gone gonna take my cares a way
Gonna take my cares away
Gonna take my cares gonna carry my cares
Your gonna take my bottle, my bible, my mess
Gonna take my cares away

Gonna take all of that sadness inside of me
Your gonna take all of my empty and my loneliness
Gonna take it all and set me free

Oh, Black River
Gonna take my cares a way

~Amos Lee~

Hello Out There

I swear I am not supposed to be able to communicate with the outside world lately.

The post office changed one small part of my address. I did not move. Yet my utility services and the local schools cannot seem to get the change correct. Now the post offfice is ending the forward period. Add to this an incompetent delivery person. Going to the mail box every day is a big surprise because I never know WHOSE mail is going to be in my mailbox, nor do I have any idea who is receiving MY mail.

Lost cellphone bills make the company threaten to disrupt service (even though THEY have been the company least likely to get my address correct).

My land line has been somewhat spotty lately too.

Oh, and my Internet provider admits they are having difficulty with all the high speed service in the area so yours truly has been battling crappy connections online.

Now, I had a lovely little Trojan to contend with and that took me all day to sort out.

I am just a wee tad aggravated by all of this and I am considering resorting to smoke signals and carrier pigeons for my communication needs. either that or if you all could gather up a lot of tin cans and strings...

Well, I think at least I have things working on the computer again and I found this at Alro's place and it made me laugh like a loon. I needed the laugh so I am sharing it with all of you.