Fancy Memeing You Here.

Retired and Crazy has tagged me.

7 things I plan to do before I die
1. Finish this meme
2. Find a pair of jeans that doesn't make my butt look big or else hook up with Sir Mixalot.
3. Reconstruct the 7 wonders of the world in mashed potatoes
4. Figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop
5. Paint my kitchen.
6. Sort through the junk in the 2 boxes I have yet to unpack from when I moved 5 years ago.
7. Develop some loftier goals.


7 things I do now
1. Produce ATP
2. Convert oxygen into CO2
3. Eat
4. Digest my food
5. Eliminate waste
6. Slough off gazillions of dead skin cells
7. Live a life of wild ambition, I mean really...just look at that list.

7 things I can’t do
1. Defy the laws of physics...as evidenced by my ziplining misadventure.
2. Explain quantum physics
3. Remember the words to Olivia Newton-John's "Let's Get Physical."
4. Remember much of the Mandarin I once learned. Heck, I can't even count to 7 in Mandarin anymore.
5. Wear a mandarin collar. They bug me.
6. Collar a crook.
7. Walk a crooked mile. Well, ok, I probably could but then I'd be limping off to the chiropractor.


7 things that attract me to the opposite sex
1. Cheesy pick up lines
2. Mad alphabetizing skillz
3. Timely payments
4. Powerful magnets
5. Delicate features
6. My basic heterosexual drives
7. When he does that....ooooh....uh-huh....oh honey...*gasp*......mmmm.....



7 things I say most often
1. The last time me and Mrs. Gassman played with your keys we put them right back.
2. AAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
3. @#!%&*&^#$%^$!!!! (It's really hard to pronounce but the up arrows indicate sounds like those clicking people make. The vowel sound that corresponds to the ampersand is trickiest, especially when it's in a digraph with the asterisk.)
4. Whatever the sound of one eyebrow rising makes.
5. Were you raised by wolves?
6. Supercallifragillisticsexpialladocious
7. Go back to your own damn state, you festering pustule on the ass of humanity. (Oh wait, this one I only say in my head. Does that still count?)


7 celebrities I admire
1. Paris Hilton, for her intellect
2. Britney Spears, for her fashion sense
3. Lindsey Lohan, for her charm and class
4 & 5. Billy Ray and Miley Cyrus, for their self restraint in avoiding overexposure by saturating every conceivable market...not to mention their musical genius.
6. William Shatner, for his nuanced portrayals
7. Phil Spector, for his great hair

And to add a category from Palm Springs Savant's Saturday Seven....7 Random Things found in my house.

1. A replica of a famous forefather's mansion. Said forefather was an early settler in Pennsylvania and a noted local abolitionist.

2. A penis gourd...hanging on the china closet. Kind of a What Not to Wear meets Top Design bit of decor, no?

3. A stuffed armadillo I bought in Texas because when Isaac was very little he had a bad dream and spoke in his sleep about needing an stuffed armadillo to draw on. He was very upset because we were all out of stuffed armadillos. The only thing that got him back to bed was to promise I'd get him one as soon as I could. It took a while but I kept my promise.


4. Pendulum Man on a backdrop of Magnetic Poetry. He's a real swinger when pushed to it.


5. A Christmas decoration hanging in the kitchen doorway. No, I am not decorating already. It's been hanging there since last year because I didn't realize I missed it when packing things up to put them away and the idea of dragging out the boxes of decorations from the crawl space before this Advent season was more than I was willing to do. Mr. Lime curses it on a daily basis because he bangs his head on it.


6. A dried up orange peel hanging in my kitchen. It's a Trinidadian remedy for a gassy belly. Break off a big chunk and steep it in boiling water like tea.


7. An embroidery project I made for my dad when I was 11. When I went to help my stepmother clean her house a couple weeks ago before her knee replacement surgery we uncovered this and she presented it to me. There is a strange jumble of memories that go with this. I'm thinking I might frame it and hang it in my kitchen...if I ever get it painted.


Finally, VE tagged me to share the most embarrassing songs I will admit to owning. He said he can't wait to see me do this straight. Now how a guy who says I shred memes more than he does can honestly expect me to do this straight is beyond me. Thus it shall be...

7 songs I have mortified a family member with (Keep in mind, VE, this makes it a ThemThem)

1. Kiss by Prince. My kids will not allow me to play this in the kitchen if they have friends over because, as Diana puts it, all I need is a pole and fishnets.

2. Love Shack by the B-52s. I have been in the grocery store when this came on. I danced down the frozen food aisle. The kids pretended I was off my meds that day.

3. Who Let the Dogs Out by the Baha Men. After a 15 hour drive to visit the mother-in-law, who lives in an upscale gated community, we checked through the gate then put this on at full blast and rolled the windows down. We let it finish playing as we danced in the driveway.

4. Some random and vaguely calypso sounding piece of garbage. At a wedding reception the DJ played some generic island music and "instructed" folks how to dance to it. His rendition looked like C-3PO trying to use a hula hoop and people were following his lead. It was appalling. When he made everyone circle up and invited a volunteer into the center to demonstrate they'd learned his moves I went in and showed 'em how it's really done. All yuh would know since I lived in Trinidad I could get on bad and wine dem hips and shake meh bamsee. It caused a mild uproar and afterward a guy at my table asked for a lap dance (I declined). No, I was not drunk. It was a dry reception. Mr. Lime was not pleased with me. Sorry, the reputation of the islands was being besmirched with that crap. I had to do something.

5. Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. Everyone in our house loves this song....when I sing it, not so much.

6. The Barney Song. Whenever someone gripes about having a song stuck in their head I sing this to them. I have had things thrown at me and been called very nasty names. Such ingratitude!

7. For this I will give VE the one straight answer I have for this particular theme, and it's not a single song but an entire album. Drumroll, please....

Kristy and Jimmy McNichol's album. I was 10 years old when this ridiculous thing was released. Lacking any taste at all, I spent my allowance on it. Shaddup. Just shaddup...