Lime's Gift Guide for the Disturbed

You've seen this sort of thing from me before (here, here, and here) and it's back again just in time for Christmas. I've scoured Etsy, ok...I merely scratched the surface...and found you all some lovely gifts.

You may think this a Barbie doll's toilet brush but you'd be wrong.  No, it's for the impeccably groomed bordering on
OCD.  Still perplexed?  It's a belly button duster.  Well you wouldn't want an unsightly proliferation of navel lint would you?  Now that grooming nightmare can be a thing of the past with this handy little gadget.

Next up is another personal item.  Yes, it's actually designed to be worn and the maker says this special Willie Warmer is sized to fit the "average male" though she also makes extra large for those requiring the accommodation.  She notes that although this one is styled to be natural in color and with the inclusion of pubes she is willing to make custom, non-natural colors.  Spotted dick, anyone?

Ok, moving on from one disturbing image to another, here is a warning sign.  And you thought the impending zombie plague was your biggest worry.  You thought you had dealt the death kneel to the monster under the bed?  Well, the new threat in town is apparently ceiling octopuses!

And now for the whimsical murderer wannabes with an artistic yet frugal side, we have the Macaroni Murder Lady.  Were I to analyze this I'd be inclined to think the creator has some deep seated issues stemming from early trauma during summer camp arts and crafts.

 Let's make sure not to forget that special lady in your life but forget those fancy jewelry stores trying to sell you blood diamonds.  You want something more ethical.  You want Bony Spaceship Earrings....because they are made from the vertebrae of an Australian possum...a possum that was electrocuted by power lines.  The artist even details how this type of death occurs.  Won't she be excited to know love her enough to want her to wear electrocuted possum bones?  What?  They're mounted on nickel-free posts so she won't react negatively to them....

Well there you have it, folks.  If you are stymied for gift ideas I have just provided some excellent suggestions.  Though I take no responsibility for the deterioration in any relationships caused by giving such gifts.