Sunday, December 05, 2010

Lime's Gift Guide for the Disturbed

You've seen this sort of thing from me before (here, here, and here) and it's back again just in time for Christmas. I've scoured Etsy, ok...I merely scratched the surface...and found you all some lovely gifts.


You may think this a Barbie doll's toilet brush but you'd be wrong.  No, it's for the impeccably groomed bordering on
OCD.  Still perplexed?  It's a belly button duster.  Well you wouldn't want an unsightly proliferation of navel lint would you?  Now that grooming nightmare can be a thing of the past with this handy little gadget.

Next up is another personal item.  Yes, it's actually designed to be worn and the maker says this special Willie Warmer is sized to fit the "average male" though she also makes extra large for those requiring the accommodation.  She notes that although this one is styled to be natural in color and with the inclusion of pubes she is willing to make custom, non-natural colors.  Spotted dick, anyone?






Ok, moving on from one disturbing image to another, here is a warning sign.  And you thought the impending zombie plague was your biggest worry.  You thought you had dealt the death kneel to the monster under the bed?  Well, the new threat in town is apparently ceiling octopuses!








And now for the whimsical murderer wannabes with an artistic yet frugal side, we have the Macaroni Murder Lady.  Were I to analyze this I'd be inclined to think the creator has some deep seated issues stemming from early trauma during summer camp arts and crafts.






 Let's make sure not to forget that special lady in your life but forget those fancy jewelry stores trying to sell you blood diamonds.  You want something more ethical.  You want Bony Spaceship Earrings....because they are made from the vertebrae of an Australian possum...a possum that was electrocuted by power lines.  The artist even details how this type of death occurs.  Won't she be excited to know love her enough to want her to wear electrocuted possum bones?  What?  They're mounted on nickel-free posts so she won't react negatively to them....

Well there you have it, folks.  If you are stymied for gift ideas I have just provided some excellent suggestions.  Though I take no responsibility for the deterioration in any relationships caused by giving such gifts.

21 comments:

WizzyTheStick said...

Filarious! It does concern me that you were disturbed enough yourself to search out these gifts but then how disturbed am I to be actually reading it! lol

Beach Bum said...

Actually I collect my belly button lint, but that is a complicated story.

Didn't know the first thing about the ceiling Octopus threat and here I am preparing for the zombies.

Hilary said...

Holy smokes.. what are people thinking? I wonder if any of these actually sell. Too funny.

Word verification is "brablog" and nary a woman's garment in the bunch.

Mother Theresa said...

You have rendered me speechless...

Cocotte said...

Those are just marvelous! And here I thought the first photo was for my avatar!

G-Man said...

To make a pasta sculpture of me you wouls need lasagna noodles...

haphazardlife said...

Looking at these I can't help but wonder if people actually buy this stuff...

- Jazz

coopernicus said...

mmmm...possum cartilidge...

hopefully those willie warmers come in larger sizes......

S said...

I love the little belly button brush because it is SO CUTE!!!!!
But Im gonna have to go for the sign because those ceiling octopus' get me everytime!

Craig said...

Jeez, if Jen were to give me one of those Willie Warmers, I might make some crude-but-affectionate comment to the effect that I thought SHE was my Willie Warmer, or somesuch as that. . . (or, you know, I might think better of it. . .)

And I think somebody is just pullin' our collective legs with a Barbie Doll toilet brush. . .

But the electrocuted-possum-bone earrings. . . sometimes you just wonder about people's thought-processes. . .

And I'll tell you - Dave Barry's Holiday Gift Guide has got nothin' on you, my dear. . . ;)

Suldog said...

If I were to receive the willie warmer and the belly button de-linter, it would be impossible to buy anything for me ever again. I would be the proverbial man who has everything.

Eric Alder said...

I could use one of those belly-button dusters. The hair on my belly seems to gather bits of lint as a hobby.

I'll pass on the Willie Warmer, since I like to keep mine tucked into a warm place. (I wonder if they make a nose warmer?)

Those Australian possum (or opossum, which oddly sounds like the opposite of possum) earrings sound a little exotic to me. I'll bet I could fashion something similar using U.S.A. possum bits.

(Packaged complete with "Made in America" sticker!)

secret agent woman said...

Eww, who puts things in their bellybutton?

And why would a man want anything on his nether bits that could only provoke laughter?

But actually, I want one of those ceiling octopus signs.

for a different kind of girl said...

Macaroni Murder Lady is inspired. Purely inspired! Guess what this mom's going to do the next time someone here floats the idea of doing crafts!

Jocelyn said...

I totally have my husband pinpointed for one of these things.







Shut up.

He has lint issues.

Xmichra said...

LMAO... I don't think I should ever read you at work, EVER again... lol...

ladyfi said...

These are hilarious! And yes, a bit disturbing...

~Tim said...

I wove a meditation rug out of yarn that I spun from lint that I collected while contemplating my navel. Really wish I'd had one of those little brushes....

My verification word is maggic. I wonder if that means my meditation rug is really a flying carpet?!? Maybe I should find a soft place to land before I test it.

slommler said...

Willy warmer?? Seriously!! And real bone earrings!! On ETSY?
And then offered is the macaroni lady. I don't think I could have laughed any harder here!! Ha!
Congrats on your POTW!
Hugs
SueAnn

Cricket said...

Sorry I haven't been around more lately. I've been sucked into the Christmas vortex. Ugh.

(sings) Well I need a little less Christmas, right this effing minute...

But seriously, congratulations on your potw for this. Very funny stuff, indeed. If I were to find my willie chilly, I'm not sure I'd want to wrap it in wool. That drawstring doesn't look too comfy, either. Ouch.

It would be a good thing to hang on the coat-rack, though. A let's-see-who-notices conversation piece, if nothing else.

kcinnova said...

This is definitely a better shopping experience than my "In Dog Beers, I've only had one" t-shirt find. Touche'!